I’ve decided to put my opinions to good use. I’m going to become an advice columnist. You know, like Ann Landers, Dear Abby, Miss Manners.

Who doesn’t like to give advice and these days and I would have Gemini and ChatGTP to help.  

To keep it friendly I’m thinking of going by Dear Dickie.

Think of all the good I could do encouraging people to give up their budgets and spreadsheets and aim for 100% base pay replacement in retirement, including use of an immediate annuity, dividends and interest. I’d tell them to make sure they leave a modest legacy if possible, but to travel the world or at least the US. 

Here is a sample of how I envision my column.

Dear Dickie, do I need a budget? I can’t seem to save. Signed Frugalist

Dear Frugalist: nah, a budget won’t help. Get your act together, discipline is what it’s about. Stay out of the snack and prepared meals aisles, you don’t need another tattoo and make your own coffee in the morning. 

Dear Dickie, my spreadsheet says I can retire at 73, but I want to retire at 53, what can I do? Signed Dreamon 

Dear Dreamon, that’s easy, next time throw me a fast ball. Change your investment return assumptions and your life expectancy until it does work. You might want to check out crypto. I hear that’s a solid investment. 

Dear Dickie, I’m retiring soon and plan to relocate to Hawaii, any thoughts about this. Signed Alone

Dear Alone, I’m assuming the move is not to save money, but more like getting away from family and friends. Good idea, not many of them will schlep 12 hours to visit. Have you considered living full-time on a cruise ship? 

Dear Dickie, I have $1,000,000 saved, can I retire? I’m 45.  Signed Early

Dear Early, No doubt you can retire, but whether you can eat at the same time is up in the air. Have you considered a monastery? 

Dear Dickie, I hear a great deal about living within your means. Does that include making minimum monthly payments on all my five credit cards? Signed Livinitup

Dear Livinitup, let me think about that. If your means includes bankruptcy and poverty, I think it does. Seriously, cut back dude, your means ain’t what you think it is. I’d stop using those credit cards – right after the next family trip to DisneyWorld. 

Dear Dickie, my coworkers keep telling me to save in our company 401k, but I think I’m better off investing on my own, any thoughts? Signed Will Besorry.

Dear Will, I have a bridge and ten acres of slightly moist land for sale at bargain prices. Not sure it will beat that 50% company match on your contributions to the 401k though. Your coworkers may be on to something. 

Dear Dickie, I want to be sure my investments are diversified so I’m using large cap index funds from Fidelity, Vanguard and Schwab. Is that okay? Signed Clueless 

Dear Clueless, let me put if this way, you are about as diversified as buying Lays, Cape Cod and Wise potato chips. You need to add some Fritos and Cheese Doodles.

Dear Dickie, should I start my Social Security at age 62? Signed Earlybird

Dear Earlybird, that’s a tough one. How long do you plan on living and with how much money? I’m going to refer you to an engineer with serious spreadsheet skills.  

So there you have it, the future of modern advice columns. Any questions?