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A question for discussion. Is an eighteen year old an adult? Do you expect an 18 year old to pay their bills, to be on their own for college?
Several years ago on HD someone wrote in a comment that when their child reach age 18, they were done. They expected them out of the house and they were on their own. Another wrote that when their youngest child graduated high school, the were relocating south and leaving the child behind.
One blogger I read who retired at 33 bragged that when his 11 year old asked if he was going to pay for her college, he told her no.
Frankly, I don’t understand those points of view. In my view an 18-year old brain is not that of an adult. A child is the parents obligation until they are truly on their own, earning a living. Even then there are times when help is appropriate.
And no, I am not talking about the 25 year old lounging in the basement playing video games all day.
I am especially convinced that to the extent feasible parents have a responsibility to pay for college.
In a recent post on HD from 2017 Jonathan wrote “Can you afford to help your kids with college costs? It’s important to talk to your teenagers early on about how much financial assistance you can offer—and that’s doubly true if they’ll need to shoulder much or all of the cost.”
Wise advice indeed. Defining “afford” is critical. In my example of the 11 year old, the family takes three or four international trips a year.
Some families view college the same way they view housing, food, or healthcare while growing up—as part of supporting a child until they’re established.
Others argue college is the student’s responsibility because:
Is there any point in life when a child needs financial assistance that you feel comfortable/justified simply saying “not my problem?”
In about 1937 when father was 18, my grandfather told him he couldn’t afford college. As my father was learning the trade of mortician, WWII came along and he used the GI Bill to get a degree after the war. I’m the youngest of six. All of us had the opportunity to go to college. My oldest three siblings never finished college, us younger three did. My older brother and sister that finished worked their way through college. I entered the military in 1979, got into a service academy in 1980, and Uncle Sam put me through school. I told my four kids I’ll have the money to put you through the local state university, a solid school, if you live at home. I told them if you want to go away for college, you’ll need a scholarship. The youngest 3 each got full tuition scholarships, went off to college, and I had plenty saved to pay the other expenses. They all have living wage jobs and do well. One of my sons was a late bloomer and he paid what he could, living at home, until he found a full time, living wage job after college. If I’ve learned anything about being a father of 4, is that every child is different and you have to be flexible about these things. There is no one size fits all approach to raising responsible adults. And even then, having kids can be like a box of chocolates–you never know what you are going to get.
I do not think most 18 year old are can be expected to cover college costs. Personal expenses (clothing, gas, subscription fees, etc.) should be their responsibility in most cases. My wife and I covered both of our sons undergraduate costs. My older son went to a state school and received a 50% tuition scholarship. My younger son went to a private school and also received a very healthy scholarship. He finished his undergrad in 3 years-a big help. He then went on to Rutgers Law School on a full scholarship.
My younger son often stops by with a friend of his. She received her undergrad & masters (Psychology/Counseling) from a private school in NJ. Financed all with public and private loans. For various reasons she was able to keep deferring payments until recently. Total cost is north of $100,000. Her stress level is through the roof. She doesn’t know how she is going to pay the $1,000 + monthly loan costs. She is barely keeping her head above water as is.
My son said one strategy she is considering is going on for her PH’d in that field ….taking out more loans to cover the cost. Apparently, as long as she is a full time student existing loan payments are deferred. Meanwhile, interest costs keeps growing and she’ll need more loans to pay for the Ph’d. I asked him if he realized the craziness of her thought process. Thankfully, he has. He is strongly discouraging her from going that route.
Parents have many responsibilities which include steering their children into viable careers. A college education isn’t to give them something to do for four years, or become trivial pursuit champs or activists.
I agree. A 18 year old young person is yet not an adult, in the sense of affording some of the needs of this society – college education, healthcare, home rent, etc. We were true Indians in our thinking, when it came to our children – we expected them to excel in school and college, but paid for their entire undergraduate education, room and board. We told our children that we need them to at least get a Master’s education, but will only fund their undergraduate studies. We kept to our word. My son paid for his own way to graduate studies. My daughter decided to work after her under graduation and then paid her own way to enroll for a MBA after 5 years of working.
I have a close friend, whose children are bad at studies and spent several years to finish their undergraduate studies. They still live with their parents. I do not approve of this, as they are over 25 years old and need to find their own way in this world.
Why the disapproval? My eldest didn’t leave home until she was 27, when work took her to London — and that was three years ago. I still miss her knocking about the place. Staying in the family home supercharges your ability to save for a deposit, and lets you enjoy a decent standard of living without scrimping on a cheap rental.
Mark – My disapproval is not about staying with parents. It is about not finding your way in this world even at this age.
We’re paying for our daughter’s college. She has always been a hard worker and a good student, and will get her undergrad degree in May after three years in school. One more year and she’ll have her Master’s degree, so I don’t feel bad about paying for it.
We also bought her a 2015 Honda Fit (Jazz in the UK) to get around in, as she was working a catering job that took her all over the place.
She always talks to people at those catered parties, and at one corporate Christmas party she talked to a guy who was a VP in her area of study. He told her to apply for an internship last year, which she did, and it turned out they only hired one intern per location, so that worked out well.
After the internship, they contacted her a couple of months later to ask if she could work part time while attending school, and told her a full time position was hers for the taking once she graduates. She’s working there 20 hours a week now.
As for money, she’s a saver. She’s putting as much as she can into her Roth IRA, and buys most of her clothes at thrift stores.
She also told her prospective (at the time) boyfriend that she wasn’t going out with him unless he quit playing video games all the time and got his grades up 🙂 He did, and they’ve been together just over a year now.
I think she’ll do well in life.
Dick, I agree with what you wrote. It is important that our kids have some kind of skill to make a living. It doesn’t have to be college. I feel it is our responsibility as parents to make sure they can support themselves as adults. We are doing them no favors if 18 is the cut off for support, unless they were in some kind of good vocational program in high school.
In our kids’ case, we also helped them as the programs they were in needed more than a BS. We also didn’t understand parents who cut the kids off after 4 years if their program was a good one and beneficial. Daughter had MAcc program and Son got into a PhD program for food science. Both good programs and it was worth helping them with what their stipends didn’t cover. Chris
Dick, based on my own experience as an 18-year-old, I agree with you that an 18-year-old brain is not that of an adult. I’m thankful that I did not have to venture out into “full adulthood” once I graduated high school…I would have been crushed. My parents paid for four years of college tuition plus room and board at a moderately priced school, while I had the responsibility to buy my books and fund incidental expenses. I extended the same deal to my two children and have zero regrets, even though the total outlay exceeded the cost of our house. We continue to provide a bit of tangible help to support our great kids as they navigate these complex times. And now we have a grandson to think about.
Regarding children learning living, spending and earning lessons, does anyone think much of those lessons are learned in the family in which they grow up? Observing family living and perhaps financial limits or struggles can be powerfully…I think.
I think it is a mix of nature and nurture. Birth order seems to have an impact as well. No set formula or answers since every child is different but having them take accountability for their decisions seems to have long term benefits.
My wife and I both attended a State University, paid for by our parents. Graduating without college debt allowed us to start our own lives together without debt and for that we were grateful. Like David, we put 4 times “x” away for our 2 children’s college fund. They were aware of the amount saved when they made their college choices. Our son chose a top private engineering school that would easily have exhausted his fund. My daughter chose a state school that would leave her money leftover in the event she wanted to go to graduate school. After two years my son left the private school and transferred to a different state school where he met his wife. By underspending their budgets and the good fortune of a very favorable stock market, both had money left over. My son used his for a wedding and my daughter completed her doctorate. Personally, I am a big believer in treating adult children as adults. Making them part of the decision and hoping they make the right ones. Either way, the sooner they learn that they need to live with the decisions they make, the more prepared they are to live independently.
The subject matter is too nuanced and individual for a simple yes or no answer. Context is everything.
Take my youngest daughter as an example. On one occasion she took herself off on a spur-of-the-moment foreign holiday, and on returning home asked us to cover her streaming subscriptions for the month because she was “skint.” As it was hardly a life or death situation, we declined — consider it a small lesson in prudent personal financial management.
On the other hand, we cover her apartment rental every month. That one we’re happy to do, because giving her a stable, independent base to build her life from feels entirely different to bailing her out of a self-inflicted cash flow problem.
Same daughter, same parents — two very different answers.
So far, these two comments are not what I expected. How old is your daughter?
She’s 28 with the worldview of an 18 year old. Prone to poor and impulsive choices.
When my daughter (the oldest child) was looking at colleges we told both of our children we would pay X amount per year x4 and the rest was up to them. Around then we had refinanced our house during the Russian debt crisis to a really low 15 year mortgage and put the college funds in CDs.
With our daughter she graduated then she started her own life with help purchasing her first used car an off to Connecticut she moved to be near her boyfriends’ family.
Our son started in college while living at home, and then left, against our advice, one semester shy of an associates degree. He was told he could continue to stay at home if he obtained a full time job locally and take night courses. Four years after he graduated from high school he was told it was time to move out and see what life is like earning minimum wage. He moved in with an Army buddy who had been discharged and was renting a house while going to college. There he met his future wife, moved to Delaware and enrolled full time in college and obtained his bachelor’s degree, making the Dean’s list each semester, while working. When he left college we used the balance of his funds to redo our kitchen so that money was no longer available so we paid for his books each semester as at that point our financial focus was maximize in our last decade or so of saving for retirement.
Different paths for different children, but it worked out for both.
Thank you for sharing your story.