FREE NEWSLETTER
Go to main Forum page »
One of HD’s newer authors, Alina Fisch has a great article about Bucket Lists, but it was something in her bio that really caught my attention. Alina is a fee only financial advisor focused on helping single and divorced women.
My experience with the subject comes from my own divorce, as well as a handful of my income tax clients who found themselves in that situation.
These women were all good people and loving moms whose marriages ended for a variety of reasons. They ended up with a property settlement, and either child or spousal support (or a combination of the two).
And they were all adamant about keeping the house. My wife and I split the value of our assets 50/50, and I was more than happy to give her our house in exchange for my keeping a greater share of my retirement savings.
All these women used their monetary support to maintain and live in what had been the marital home. Problem is that child support is finite, spousal support is often finite. In the examples I use, all of the women could have transitioned to less expensive homes long before the support orders ended.
The expense of delaying the downsizing had significant negative effects on their future retirement.
When a couple heads into divorce, the family courts often suggest or order counseling, especially if kids are involved. Afterwards other than enforcing the support order these women are on their own. I think it would be great if the courts could make post-divorce counseling available that included a free consultation with a reputable fee for services financial advisor.
Thoughts?
I think it is a great idea to have financial counseling upon a divorce, especially for either of the couple who needs good financial advice.
Splitting the resources of the couple into two parts often creates challenges for both parties.
I am a facilitator in our churches Griefshare ministry which ministers to grieving people. Many of our participants need good, unbiased financial advice. To my knowledge, our church does not provide such a program. I intend to discuss that need with our elders.
I agree with Kathy and Kristine -the more you move the less likely you are to become attached to a particular home. I am in one of the most modest houses in my little town, surrounded by several single women much older than me who live in huge houses. When I look at these beautiful, well-maintained homes, I think “What a lot of work.” But different strokes for different folks …… And I firmly agree with Marjorie that in the wake of a sudden or traumatic loss, especially when children are involved, moving right away would add to the sense of loss.
“When I look at these beautiful, well-maintained homes, I think “What a lot of work.” “
Exactly. I bought a smaller house than I could have theoretically have afforded because I didn’t see the point of anything bigger. Not only would my mortgage payment have been bigger, along with taxes and insurance, but it would have cost more to heat, cool, clean and furnish.
As I’ve written, in 1994 my wife and I bought the home I grew up in. My parents lived with us the rest of their lives. I lived in that house for 44 of my 67 years. There are defiantly fond memories, and times I miss it, but we were ready to move on. It may have helped that we sold it to a local, young family with strong ties to the neighborhood.
I have limited experience with divorced family and friends. It can be very difficult, both emotionally and financially. When there children who are in good schools with lot of friends and activities, moving could be very tough.
I’ve seen a related dynamic when someone suddenly loses a spouse. If there are children, it is reasonable to want to limit the amount of change in light of a wrenching loss.
Very true Rick. After the death of a spouse, stability for the kids is at the top of things to consider.
Like child support, the Social Security benefit received by the kids is finite, and should be considered in the surviving spouses long range planning.
I’m left scratching my head wondering why young people often don’t own cheap term life insurance. This is a little off topic; why don’t more renters buy rental insurance? They already have car insurance, so the multiple policy discount practically pays the cost of the coverage.
Marriage is a contract like no other. When one person decides they want out, that’s it. when your world is uprooted it’s all you can do to get through the days. While post counseling is a good idea, some marriages end acrimoniously, and even cruelly. The person who is aggrieved may take at least a year to get themselves to the point where they can function reasonably.
The road back to stability is too full of twists, and turns, to even begin to think about navigating it. Losing one’s home can feel like further losing yourself.
while all situations differ, I have a friend whose husband left her after 40 years of marriage. She had the care of a special needs child. Her home was the only safe place she knew. Whether a sentimental, foolish notion or not, sometimes women look upon their homes as their nest. She had supportive friends in the neighborhood as well.
Our financial circumstances are never entirely under our control. In a perfect world, your suggestions are sound and practical, but add in emotional turmoil and it’s not as easy as it might seem.
Thanks for a thoughtful post Dan.
Marjorie, thank you for your very thoughtful post.
I don’t understand why people get attached to houses. I know some people say it’s about memories, but memories aren’t defined by a physical location.
I’ve moved so many times in my life—if I had to make a guess I’d say at least twenty times, but probably more than that.
When I got divorced I had no desire to stay in our home. Instead, I moved into a 700 square foot apartment and started saving as much of my paycheck as I could. Financially it was a good decision for me.
My wife and I are definitely attached to our first and only home of 53 years (and counting). Our four sons were born and grew up while we have lived there and it is still the location for almost all family gatherings and memories. On top of that, I have personally done almost all of the improvements and renovations. Every room and the yard reflects my handiwork. It’s basically been my hobby for all of that time. I’m not sure if we can ever walk away, but realize things change.
You are right about memories, they are with you, but I can understand the attachment.
We moved into our second house (I did) the day after Connie had our fourth child. We then had 45 years of birthdays, graduations, family parties, holidays, births of grandchildren and all the rest that goes with raising a family.
I occasionally have flashbacks to events that happened in a certain room, to my parents at an event, but memories may be related to a location, but they go with you.
I don’t know, but doing a lot of moving may affect the attachment thing.
I don’t get the keep the house thing either – my first husband bought me out. (Second time I owned the house before we married, and kept it.) But it may be different if the kids still live there. Besides, just look at the people here who are adamant about aging in place. Same problem.