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WE RECEIVED A PHOTO Christmas card from a guy I used to work with. The picture was taken at his daughter’s wedding, with my old colleague standing next to his wife, son and daughter-in-law. Picture perfect.
The only problem: His story isn’t picture perfect. When he and I first met, we worked in the same division at an insurance company. Right before the division was closed down, I transferred to a different department. Eventually, we were both laid off. I went in one direction. He chose a completely different direction, becoming a life-insurance salesman.
After our division was closed down, rumors started circulating that he had cheated on his wife. This shocked me because this guy looked like a boy scout. In fact, he had been an Eagle Scout. Such people are supposed to be trustworthy, loyal and kind. I’d put him on a pedestal.
When I approached women who had worked in the same division as this guy and asked about his infidelity, they all said, “Oh yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.”
Learning all this, my attitude toward my old colleague changed. It isn’t that I’d never heard of anyone cheating on his wife. Rather, it was because I’d held him in such high regard. Other mutual friends also ended their relationship with this guy.
His wife, however, never left him. She was pregnant with the daughter who’d later be the Christmas card bride. When the guy’s wife was challenged by mutual friends, she said she couldn’t leave because she wasn’t working and needed his support to raise their two kids. Result? The Christmas card I found myself looking at.
My wife worked with a colleague who used to joke that, “It’s cheaper to keep her.” In my ex-colleague’s case, it was his wife who decided she couldn’t afford not to keep him. Anyone who’s gone through a divorce will tell you it’s almost always a costly proposition, especially if it’s a nasty divorce.
How costly? For Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, the price tag was $38 billion. His wife, MacKenzie, met Bezos at hedge fund D.E. Shaw. They left to start Amazon together. He cheated on her, they divorced and she ended up receiving $38 billion.
When my first marriage ended, it wasn’t due to cheating. It was because I didn’t want kids. This didn’t sit well with my first wife, who came from a large Irish Catholic family. She got the marriage annulled. I didn’t contest the divorce. She paid for the whole thing since she was the one who wanted out.
We all make mistakes. We’re all human. Have you considered the consequences of your actions? If the action is worth the price you might pay, go for it. If not, maybe—as with all financial decisions—it’s worth stopping to ask, “Should I do this or not?”
Maybe it’s just me, but I had trouble following the point of this post. Is it “cheating’s not that bad because this guy and his wife stuck it out” or “divorce is expensive, so don’t do it” (except that Dave did do it)? I also struggled with the whole premise of the piece being to bash a former coworker based on rumors and gossip—and to what end?
Yes, this post is a good reminder we should always ask ourselves “Are the consequences worth the actions?” But we don’t because we are human beings.
Too much judgement in this post. One thing I learned from being married is no one knows what is going on in a marriage, except the 2 people in it-not you, not your co-worker, or mutual friends.
There are worst thing in relationships than working through a bit of infidelity and coming out the other side. And pragmatism and compromise does have a role.
The other thing is we’re usually really bad about judging other people’s relationships. The perfect, happy couple often aren’t, the “I can’t imagine how those 2 are together” may have a deeper bond than they present.
You mentioned it, so I assume I can ask. Why didn’t you discuss children or not before you were married.
Wondering the same…
“Should I do this or not” is the question we ought to ask ourselves about most everything in life. Would this person I’m dating be the kind of parent I want for my kids? Is this advisor just a bull-s#@t artist? Do I really need a pickup truck? Will the pleasure be worth all the pain?
This is one reason opting to be a stay at home wife can be a major mistake. All women need to be able to support themselves if necessary, because it may be necessary. After all, the cheater you describe might have decided he preferred one of his other options.
Agree that women should be able to support themselves if necessary. However young children need to loved and cared for by their parents and sometimes that means Mom or Dad must stay at home for awhile. Of course this is not a financial option for everyone.
Kathy, those are nearly the exact words I said to my daughters when they were young.
Good for you!
As with many things in life, the decision to leave or stay in an unhappy marriage is rarely black and white, even if infidelity has occurred. As you point out, there may be financial concerns for a low or no-income spouse. More importantly, maintaining a stable home environment for young children complicates this choice greatly.
Maybe this is why “grey divorce” is such a popular option.