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TODAY IS THE 50th anniversary of the most important day of my life. On Feb. 16, 1974, I met my wife. Choosing a life partner is arguably the most crucial decision we make. No other choice likely matters as much, including education, career, finances, where we live or even having children.
We’ve all heard the statistic that half of marriages end in divorce. In addition, marriage rates are declining, marriages are happening at later ages, and late-in-life gray divorces are climbing. On top of all that, many alternatives now exist: unwed partners, significant others, friends with benefits, even throuples.
Still, when marriage works, it can be wonderful. Warren Buffett said marriage is the “ultimate partnership” and is “the most important decision that you make.” In her book Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg writes, “I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is.”
Interestingly, the process of dating and partner selection is often based on immediate physical or social attraction that may not matter much over the long run. Youthful lust isn’t as important for a long-lasting marriage as shared values, good communication, friendship, empathy, respect, commitment and positive emotional support.
My wife and I have had to develop and nurture these characteristics in our 50 years together. We’re definitely not the same naïve, 18-year-old college freshmen that we were when we met. And haven’t we all been guilty at times of taking our close personal relationships for granted? I know I have.
There are several commonly reported benefits to marriage. University of Chicago researcher Sam Peltzman has found that marriage is “the most important differentiator” of who is happy in America. Fortune reports that married folks live, on average, about two years longer than single men and women, based on Medicare data. Finally, the laws of the land give married couples a better chance for financial security—providing, of course, that they practice good money habits.
This is not to imply that those who are single are doomed. Moreover, staying in an unhappy marriage clearly leads to many unhealthy consequences.
Fortunately, I’ve had a happy marriage. This is how it started: 50 years ago today, I was holding two beers alongside the dance floor at a college fraternity’s Saturday band party. I was neither drinking nor seeking a girlfriend. I was on the wagon for both following a rough patch for drinking and relationships, along with mediocre grades in my first college semester.
I attended the Lambda Chi Alpha party to kill time on a cold winter night when little else was happening on campus. During a song interlude, a young woman casually asked about my awkward appearance, which looked to her like two-fisted drinking. I explained I was just holding the beers for two friends who were dancing.
After handing the beers back to my friends, I wound up dancing the next set with my new acquaintance. We soon left for the college commissary to chat, because the volume at a 1970s band party could be summed up by Animal House’s theme song Shout. We shared cups of tea and cinnamon-sprinkled toast. It was a cheap first date for this financial-aid student who worked three campus jobs to pay his way.
I was smitten, and we’ve been inseparable ever since. She embraced all those positive traits I’ve mentioned—shared values, good communication, friendship, empathy, respect and commitment. We were married four years later, in June 1978.
Happy golden anniversary, Karen. Our meeting seemed random, like most of life’s connections before the internet, social media and dating apps. Are you in a long-term relationship that predates the online world? You, too, might want to celebrate that wondrous thing known as chance.
Thanks for the wonderful and heart-warming story! All the bits in this issue of Humble Dollar hit right on different aspects of meaning and contentment in retirement – something I’m still working out.(Don’t get me started on the generally shallower and often vaporous term, “happiness.”)
Oh, and anyone really interested in the role of chance in life might want to have a look at a new book, or excerpts thereof, “Fluke” by Brian Klass.
Thanks again for all the well-wishes and keep posting your meet-up stories to keep the thread going.
John-
Enjoyed the story. Like you, I am also celebrating the 50th anniversary of the first date this year, on May 24th. Ours has a bit of a twist – we actually went to high school together, but didn’t particularly care for each other. As fate would have it, though, we ended up attending the same large state university which was overwhelming to both of us. We ended up in the same geology class freshman year, and started sitting next to each other just because it was a bit of a comfort. When I finally asked her out, it was more to hang out with someone I knew than because I was smitten. But I figured out in about 4 months that I couldn’t live without her. It took her about 5 years to figure out that she couldn’t live without me, including a lot of time apart with not even a hint that we would have celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary last Friday, but indeed we did.
Chuck McLean
I’m so happy for you, what a great love story. Sounds a bit like my own, except mine had his eye on my roommate first! 😀
Congratulations to you both. Last Year my wife & I hit that 50 year milesotne from our first date and both questioned was it actually 50 years. It was a great decision for both of us.
Congratulations to you and your wife, John. Thanks for the happy story.
Happy 50 John!
God willing my wife and I will get there in 5 years.
To my Wife:
”… long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I’ll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I’d be without you”
Great song reference Winston
Lovely tribute to your wife, Winston.
Mazel tov, John!
I always like to hear about successful “how we met stories”.
Here’s mine: I flunked Spanish I in high school, so I had to repeat it, which put me back in a class of students who were one year younger. First day of repeating the class, I’m sitting at my desk and in walked this beautiful cheerleader I’d never seen before. She sat down a few rows away and I immediately started figuring out a way to find out her name. In walked the teacher, who said “First thing today, I want to go around the class and have everyone introduce themselves.” – My lucky day! Of course, when it came to her, I couldn’t understand her first or last name, so after class I had to ask around to find out who she was. I got up enough nerve (hey, I was only 17) to ask her out and we were married 6 years later.
Now, our four sons and daughter-in-laws have given us eight grandchildren and we’ll be celebrating our 56th anniversary in June. You never know that flunking Spanish in high school can be the most important thing in your life.
We have truly been blessed.
Thanks! I really enjoyed this article and I agree with it totally. But having a great companion in life isn’t something one has total control over, so there’s a bit of luck and effort involved. And frankly it doesn’t happen for everyone, but it is wonderful when it does happen. My first wife divorced me after 27 years and that was very painful, but it did allow me to ultimately end up in a much better relationship for the 2nd half of my life. That said, it wasn’t easy finding someone and frankly I had pretty much given up when I got lucky and met my second wife. Also, as good as the right companion is, I believe being alone is vastly preferable to being with the wrong person. Also, we should acknowledge individual differences and that some folks might simply prefer living by themselves. All that said, I really enjoy having a great companion. In my case, her companionship is far and away the biggest factor in my happiness. Thanks again for the reminder!!!
We can’t always help who we fall in love with and marriage has no guarantees but you give credence to the thought that “love is lovelier the second time around”.
John, congratulations to you and Karen. Fifty years together is quite a milestone. Vicky and I are about 2 years behind you guys, but our story is similar. I can’t imagine my life without her.
Hi John, this is Chris. Happy 50th to you and your wife, Karen.
Thanks and I’m enjoying the other meet-up stories. I was all set for a first-time-ever celebration of our true anniversary date, but so funny, that my honey got invited on a last-minute cruise by a friend. The celebration has to wait a few days for her return.
Finding the right one as they say is truly a unique experience.
I spoke with my wife on the phone – she was the claim examiner for medical claims for my employers benefits – for several years before I met her, but once I did there was no question.
On Feb 14 1968 we were both working OT and I asked if she wanted to get something to eat after work. We started dating, but on May 20, 1968 I was called to active duty in the army. I came home in June that year on leave and we got engaged. I went back to Alabama. We were married December 14, 1968, ten months after our first date even while I was away nearly eight of those months.
Four children, 11 grandchildren and 55 plus years later I have concluded it was worth the cost of that dinner, but to this day Connie refuses to acknowledge it as a date – business meeting she says – successful business I say.
If you got reimbursed by your company, then Connie is correct! 😀
John, thanks for a heart-grabber. Great story. My wife’s classmate dropped a casual comment about “this girl I should meet.” Five months later, I was starting a new job several hours from home, and lonely. I called to get the girl’s number. It took two tries, but when I finally connected, I was smitten with her voice. She decided on our date that we were destined for marriage. This year is 25 happily married years for us.