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I’ve just got a hug from my daughter as she heads out our door to make her way home. I always have a sense of regret when a visit from one of our children ends. It’s always lovely to see them, but with my youngest child I admit to normally heaving a sigh of relief. Not very fatherly, but she truly vexes me.
Let me explain my difficulty. My daughter is 27 and, to my mind, going on 13 when it comes to her ability to hold firm financial opinions. Around finance, it seems whatever is the flavour of the day on TikTok becomes the firmly held conviction of the moment. Trending narrative is, to my daughter’s mind, the last word on the subject.
This situation presents a tough challenge. Do I keep trying to offer advice that she’s likely to reject? Or do I step back and let her learn her own lessons, no matter how painful they might be? It’s a difficult balance to strike, and there’s no easy answer.
At present I’m in a non-committal phase of our relationship. Whatever financial wisdom is imparted by my dear child is acknowledged with a generic response like “very good” or “I see” before moving our chat onto a more promising avenue.
The difficult part is that the anxiety doesn’t just disappear. While I’m no longer debating with her, I’m still worried about her future. This, I guess, is one of the challenges of being a parent: we can’t always save our children from themselves, but we can always be there for them. By choosing to step back from the debates, I’m ensuring I’ll still be a safe and supportive presence in her life if and when she needs me.
While my approach is working in the sense of “keeping the peace,” I truly find it an unsatisfactory impasse, and I can’t see a natural pathway for a better resolution. I guess sometimes in life, knowledge and understanding has to be experienced to be learned, even if the financial consequences could be messy. It’s hard to step back. I find this doubly frustrating because I feel her generation has a more difficult path than mine.
I console myself with the thought that my parents maybe had doubts about my financial choices, although by 27 I very much doubt that. I was two years away from starting my own business and already owned my own home. I guess being successful in all areas of life is too much to expect, but it would be lovely to eventually succeed with this thorny problem.
The only possible positive outlook is that future security for both my daughters is reasonably good due to the successful financial lives my wife Suzie and I have achieved. Although that won’t be until both our passing—hopefully, for us, a long time in the future! But at least we all have a crutch to lean on, even if it’s for different reasons between our two generations.
But the question has to be asked: does our success influence the very problem I worry about? Is it a catch-22 situation? Have I created a dilemma due to our very different experiences, causing a different relationship with money? I have no answer. Sometimes family life doesn’t present a neat solution.
Speaking as a 37yo who knew very little of personal finance 10 years ago, but was and still is always looking to connect with her dad in any way, I think that she’s probably just trying to relate to you, bringing up a subject that she knows you find fascinating. I would take it as a sign that she loves you and wants you to think that she’s smart. She is also probably savvier than you give her credit for and likely knows that you post here. A simple google search of your name would probably yield this article. Parents don’t think that their kids google them occasionally, but we totally do 🙂
Thanks for this post, Molly. Thinking back half a lifetime, to when I was 37, I’m sure my folks didn’t approve of all my decisions. I recall having conversations with them as well. At the end of the day, most of the good stuff I learned, was from them.
Wish I’d had Google back then🙂
I generally tell my adult children what I think once and then leave it alone. One of them can be quite stubborn, he tries to time the market with stuff like leveraged bitcoin ETF’s. I told him he was gambling in the market but nothing has changed.
Anyway, I think your daughter might pay more attention to being wise with her finances if you were to let her know that the safety net underneath her might not be as large as she thinks it is. You might tell her that the cost of long term care could use up all of your money before you die. This may or may not be true.
In general I believe you are right. Your success allows your own children a safety net or margin for error.
I think of M. Scott Peck’s book “The Road Less Travelled” and in the first paragraph there is the statement that “Life is difficult”.
”it’s hard to teach an adult kid new tricks.” Very true. Preparing a child for life begins early. It is a process of ever-increasing complexity. Some of it sticks and some does not. One hopes that there will be sufficient life skills acquired by adulthood, or eventually.
One thing I could not teach them was how to deal with certain types of relationships. That they had to learn on their own, and one marriage ended in an acrimonious divorce. Some things are more difficult than others. I did tell them to “choose wisely” but in affairs of the heart that side of the brain can become very clouded and reason can be overcome. However, we are resilient beings and we can overcome just about anything. Who we are in t