Family Dynamics, Part 3: What Do Adult Children Owe Their Aging Parents?

If you thought my posts on family estrangement and supporting adult children were doozies, wait until you dig into this one.

My musings on all three of these topics are specifically related to how complicated the interaction between family dynamics (especially if it’s a “difficult” family) and our finances can be. This one focuses on how caring for parents as they age can raise challenging questions.

Like many of you, I’m at the stage of life where I view these questions both as a daughter and as a parent. The parameters and principles I hold to right now (about the older generation) could well be turned around to apply to me and my husband, and that all factors in to how I think about these matters.

Anyway, let’s dig in. I see two separate but related sets of factors or questions.

Financial/Practical Questions

• If the aging parent needs regular or even daily assistance, are you willing and able to provide it? How might time spent fixing up their home, driving them to appointments, buying groceries, cooking, cleaning, and more, affect your own financial situation, especially if you’re still working? What about your ability to care for yourself and your own family, if you have one? What if you don’t live anywhere near them?
• If the parent says something like “I want to live out my years in my own home. Don’t ever put me in assisted living”–are you (and your siblings, if applicable) able and willing to help make that happen? Will a family member move in with them? Will you have to provide the care yourself, or pay for in-home caregivers? If the parent has their own means to pay for help, who will be in charge of arranging and overseeing that care? If there are gaps in coverage, who will solve that problem?
• If the parent either agrees to move into a residential care situation or is unable to make those decisions for themselves (because of cognitive or physical limitations), do they have the means (funds or long-term care insurance) to pay for it? If not, are you able and willing to chip in or pay for it entirely? Who will find the facility, and who will oversee the parent’s care once they’ve moved in?

Relational Questions

• Do you have a warm, supportive relationship with this parent, or is it a difficult relationship? How does the quality of the relationship affect your answers to the above practical questions? (Should it?)
• Has your parent made financial/life decisions over the years that have put them into a precarious situation now? While perhaps it’s not your place, as the child, to judge them, is it then your responsibility to make sacrifices to cover up for their (maybe bad) decisions?
• How would it be received if, for example, you suggested the parent apply for Medicaid to cover long-term care instead of paying for it out of resources that you will need for your own retirement years?

There are bigger ethical and philosophical questions to consider, too. After all, it was the parents’ decision to bring the children into the world, not the other way around. So in what sense does a child “owe” them anything? The traditional answer to that, of course, is that family love and loyalty should transcend generations: We care for our parents when the need arises and we hope that our children will do the same for us when the time comes. But what if that isn’t a realistic expectation, either because you don’t have children or other family members who would or could care for you, or because giving the parent what they “want” (for example, years of in-home care or a more deluxe residential facility) would harm your own ability to care for yourself and your own children (if you have them)?

“My kids will handle it when the time comes” is the easy answer for many people. Obviously for some people, that’s no answer at all. But is it ever the best answer for anyone, and if so, under what conditions?