FREE NEWSLETTER
Go to main Forum page »
Last month, I wrote about a spate of funerals my wife and I attended. Since then, I recently found out that a close friend and colleague in his early 60s was diagnosed with a “butterfly glioblastoma,” a rare and aggressive form of brain tumor. It’s a recent diagnosis, and his treatment plan is being finalized. A few friends and I drove an hour and a half to take him out to lunch earlier in the week, and to offer our support. This friend has a keen interest in investing, and a group if us would frequently talk about stocks and markets. I was always the one to add a cautionary note, and tell them to make sure they took care of the other, highly important parts of their financial lives – namely estate planning, insurance, tax planning, risk management.
That’s where my mind went shortly after I first spoke with his wife. I went back and reread much of what Jonathan has written since his diagnosis. I was doubly impressed by the way he approached this challenge, using his time and experience to bravely face the issues at hand, and make sure matters were addressed to the best of his ability. It’s a great model for all of us. In the context of my friend, one thing that greatly concerns me is that his diagnosis will likely cause some cognitive decline. Some of it was noticeable at lunch – he complained that he is struggling to keep on top of things at home and work.
At the lunch, I brought up that my wife and I had recently redone our wills and POAs. The two guys who also attended lunch acknowledged that their estate.plans could use a review. But our friend with the diagnosis was quiet on the subject. It concerns me, and I intend to find a time to approach his wife and see if I can help.
Rick, thank you for thinking of quiet and substantive ways to assist your friend and his wife. My husband passed away exactly 10 months from his diagnosis of lung cancer. In the flurry of those months, we completed his estate planning. Alas, even with my experience managing finances, some details were overlooked, causing delays afterward. Checking beneficiaries and proper titling on accounts is critical – I missed one, having assumed everything was in place for that account (check the forms!).
And when setting up a modest trust for our kids where I would be the trustee, our attorney suggested a successor trustee. Excellent planning; my brother was named as successor trustee to me. Alas, the language also included a trust firm just in case my brother couldn’t do it. The language, though, was written as “my brother AND the firm” but could have been ‘my brother and/or the firm.’ So if I pass away my brother has to reach out to a firm for sign-offs, which will charge a fee for very little work.
Rick, I had a hard time reading this after Spouse’s brother’s recent death. We were very surprised last fall when we thought he was going to pass then that they had not finished their estate planning that they had told us before they were doing. I think some of this was that they didn’t want to accept the ALS diagnosis. Maybe your friend is still in the shock and denial stage of the stages of grief. Brother and his wife were able to get the necessary papers, but it was touch and go for awhile b/c he was heavily sedated and the drs had to bring him up enough that he could say yes to the POA. This was in the ICU. It all turned out ok, but they surely didn’t need the stress. Thank you for being there for your friend and his wife. Chris
Thanks Chris. I’m sure you and your wife were a tremendous help to your brother and sister-in-law.
Thanks Chris. I’m sure and/or wife were a tremendous help to your brother and sister-in-law.
I am currently reading Mike Piper’s “After the Death of Your Spouse”, even though I don’t have a spouse, to get a clearer idea of what my unfortunate executor (living on the other side of the country) would be expected to do. Maybe you can suggest it to the wife. Best wishes to all of you…
Kathy, thanks. That’s a great idea.
Another book that would be helpful, but she might not be up for, is Katy Butler’s “The Art of Dying Well”. It covers a lot of ground, and is especially good on the later stages. I don’t agree with her about Medicare Advantage, and I might put more stress on some things, but otherwise I recommend it. My CCRC ran a series of discussions based on the book earlier this year, I think this may be an annual event.
Rick, I’ll echo what everyone has said—you are a true friend. The tangible help you are giving this man and his wife is invaluable.
Along with the will and beneficiaries, I’ll add that a complete inventory of all your friend’s assets and accounts is crucial. A few years ago my wife and I were assisting with a deceased family member’s estate and it turned out he had numerous small life insurance policies scattered around with different companies. Just figuring out exactly what he had was a sizeable project.
Finally, as you and Dan noted, Jonathan has gifted us with the perfect roadmap on how to plan for our own demise.
Andrew, thanks for the kind words and excellent suggestion. I had to do a similar financial organizing task for my wife’s aunt when she developed dementia. It looks several years.
Hey Rick, you know, Michael1 said it best below. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.
And I agree with your praise of Jonathan, he has practically provided us with a How To manual on the subject. We’re lucky for his friendship as well.
Thanks Dan. You are so right about Jonathan.
From my limited medical knowledge I would not be surprised by a short survival time. Updated wills, if needed, or any will at all can be highly beneficial to the survivor(s) but his knowing he has the ownership of real and tangible titled property (houses, cars) and his financial beneficiary designations (retirement plan, IRA, life insurance) as he intends may also be key as such ownership and designations will typically override the best (or worst) will as I understand.
I hope he accepts your help.
Best, Bill
Bill, thanks for the input. Sadly, I think your medical assessment may be correct. I’ve put together a check list of items for my friend and his wife to consider. Your reference to beneficiaries is something I always worry about. We know a family where the husband was the sole wage earner. It was his second marriage, and they had 2 teeenage children. He died suddenly in his 50s. It turned out that after his divorce, he had changed the beneficiary of his life insurance to his mother. After remarrying he neglected to change it to his new wife. After his death it became quite complicated, as the mother did not trust the second wife’s financial acumen.
In my state our laws were amended so a divorce automatically revokes provisions in a will that name a former spouse as a beneficiary, except if the will expressly states otherwise. Those law changes did not extend to beneficiary designations.
I think using checklists are a vital tool not to overlook issues and needed actions that occur once in a lifetime or only a few times.
Your friend is fortunate to have you as one.
Thanks Michael