My New Zero-Wage CEO Role

This morning, as I was drinking my coffee, I realized it was September 1st. Today, with the kids returning to school in Ireland, grandparents across the country will be taking on after-school care duties.

This got me thinking. Just after I retired and before heading to my vacation home, I had an eight-week window into one aspect of my retirement future: helping out a couple of days per week minding the grandkids.

This was a new and unique adventure that I’m looking forward to resuming in late September. My initial impressions of this new responsibility have been enlightening. Although my grandson spent part of the summer with us, entertaining him one-on-one is a different kettle of fish.

I’ve discovered that school drop-off is a dog-eat-dog world, where you jostle for the perfect parking space. It’s highly exciting when you spot a place right at the school gate, with envious “yummy mummies” looking on in anger. Very satisfying, and worth missing that second coffee.

Then there’s soccer at the local park after school. I’m positioned in the goal while my grandson kicks the ball at me as hard as he can, seeking the perfect goal. It hurts when the ball hits me right in the leg! I’ve had ball-shaped bruises to prove it.

Quickly moving on from this indignity, we come to his favorite Xbox video game, Fortnite. I’ve mastered the basics but keep getting killed within minutes. I’m going to need a refresher course in September. My grandson thinks I’m a bit rubbish at it, but my goal is to last a bit longer before getting laughed at.

Then we have my younger granddaughter. She’s not yet experienced the joys of school but loves trying to shove plastic cups into my mouth while making me dinner with her toy kitchen. That’s slightly better than having to scold her naughty doll for jumping off the couch. That gets tiring after the first 20 minutes, but I’m sure I can adapt and continue showing the correct amount of enthusiasm.

Sometimes they even quietly play together without needing my immediate attention. They seem to have a built-in radar to find me just as I’m about to read a book or listen to the news. I’ve tried a few distraction techniques but have been unsuccessful in finding a surefire winner. My best hope was sending them to find my wife, Suzie, but her distraction technique is much better developed and generally involves finding their “Pops”—i.e., me.

As pickup time approaches, my eyes develop a fascination with the clocks around the house. That last half-hour seems to take an age before the door opens and the call of “it’s only me” announces my duty is over for the day.

Strangely enough, I look forward to the next time it’s our turn to be the caregivers. It’s a rewarding experience that gives structure to the day. But now that I have my own space and quiet to relax, I’m looking at that discarded Xbox, wondering if I should do my Fortnite homework and get a little bit better at staying alive. Maybe I’ll have the last laugh the next time we play.

So, what do I think of it all? I’m a recently retired business owner who now has a demanding zero-wage job that actually costs me money to perform. It comes with zero career development prospects, a steep learning curve, and exhausting hours. But the rate of return on investment for satisfaction and enjoyment is off the scale. I get to help my daughter and spend two days a week bossing my grandkids around—or maybe it’s the other way around? What’s not to like about that, roll in mid September, I’ve got this covered…I think!