Blood Money

On February 28, 2026, “a war began when the United States and Israel launched surprise airstrikes on multiple sites and cities across Iran, killing Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei and several other Iranian officials. Iran responded with missile and drone strikes against Israel, US bases, and US-allied countries in the Middle East” per Wikipedia.

Soon after, the Strait of Hormuz was closed to shipping, and by March 10, 2026, crude oil increased from $67 to $87 per barrel. Now, a cynical investor might think the timing of these airstrikes might have more to do with changing the direction of the news cycle. I instead thought it might be an innocent opportunity to sell some of the 3,500 ExxonMobil (XOM) shares held in my 401(k) account.

Now, if these shares were held in my Charles Schwab account in the time I typed the Cramerian words “sell . . . sell . . . sell,” I could have sold some of my shares and returned to watching Executive Suite on TCM. But as all of my shares were held by Voya Financial, I knew it would be slightly more problematic.

So on March 10, 2026, I logged into my account with three questions that needed some answerin’:

1. How many shares should I sell? I reached out to some former colleagues for some petrol-economical advice. One responded with “It’s never bad to sell at an all-time high,” which sounded like good advice. Another mentioned that he “rented a Ford Mustang convertible in Tuscon [while vacationing] and loved it. You can still get it in a stick, Came home and bought one,” which made me realize that his corporate career had been a little more meteoric than mine. Either way, I knew I should sell more and not less, but was a little reluctant as what if this “military operation” lasted a little longer than four to five weeks and crude oil increased to a little more than $200 a barrel? Since I had no idea how the Voya sell process worked, I decided to sell about $5,000 worth, purely as a proof of concept.
2. Which shares to sell? After previously doing some extensive NUA calculations, I knew that like investing in dividend stocks, it was a chimera of investing outperformance, with a de minimus of tax saving. But as I wanted to keep this “opportunity” available, I decided to sell the XOM shares with the highest cost basis first.
3. How to sell my shares? I tried to do it online, but it seemed every time I l clicked on the ExxonMobil shares link, it opened a PDF of the “Fund Fact Sheet.”

So I then decided to call the 877 number and initiate the interminable sell by phone process. The first time I was connected with a Chartered Retirement Planning Counselor (CRPC®) who was more interested in “providing retirement solutions” than lightening my dependence on fossil fuels. When I mentioned that I wanted to sell some XOM shares, he immediately transferred me to someone who put me on hold while she determined what needed to be done, until I hung up five minutes later. The second time, I was connected with a different CRPC®, who connected me to someone who walked me through a 20-step process of how I might be able to sell shares online myself, until I lost the thread of it all and hung up. The third time, I was connected to another CRPC®, who connected me to someone who eventually sold 29.15 shares (1% of my shares), informed me that I could only sell my XOM shares twice per calendar month, and that the next time the process should take less than 40 minutes.

Since I now only had one bullet left, I then waited until March 26, 2026, when crude reached $94, XOM $165, and my gut said: “Sell some more shares, ya greedy bastard.” So, I then sold another 127.995 shares (5% of my shares) of my highest cost basis shares. The process was a little smoother as I was only disconnected once. Now, unlike Charles Schwab, selling isn’t instantaneous, more like tomorrowtaneous as my sell price was the following day’s closing price.

After I got off the phone, I started to feel a little unpatriotic. As though I knew it was best for all concerned that the “conflict” become a little less heated and the Straits of Hormuz reopened, part of me wanted XOM to remain the same price for the next 26 hours (or slightly . . . increase).

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and reach out to a former ExxonMobil colleague to see what he could do to ensure a 26-hour price freeze. He mentioned something about using helium to maintain the share price. I knew ExxonMobil would never contemplate such ridiculousness, as helium was quite expensive. I texted back about a more ExxonMobilish stratagem: immediate opex reduction and/or workforce reduction.

He asked me to call him to discuss further, when he hopefully mentioned that he was hopeful that the “conflict” would continue, as it was the best way forward to ensure Middle East peace. While this sounded quite positive for my share sale, when I asked if he was planning to enlist to affect this rosy future, he mentioned that he was too old. I then helpfully noted that, quite coincidentally, the U.S. Army had raised its maximum enlistment age to 42, and many Americans lied about their age to fight in World War II.

Either way, my dream came true as crude oil increased $6.44 a barrel the next day, with XOM increasing $5.56 per share.

As I would have to wait until next month before I could reload my shiny, slightly used XOM red, white, and blue Derringer with two new bullets, I made a note on the calendar for April 1 to “Sell without remorse.”

Via the comments, I’ll provide updates as my shares of XOM are culled.

“Nobody tells those guys what to do.”

– President George W. Bush, regarding ExxonMobil