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Recently, Mum got lost on her way to my house. We live just a mile apart.
Fortunately, I located her using Find My Friends and took her to her doctor’s appointment. My strongest feeling was relief. It could have been far worse, and I was grateful to be there.
On the way to the appointment she acknowledged being lost. She recognizes my house by the tall Italian cypress trees out front, but she never made it to our street. She spoke about the changes she knows are happening to her.
Then she asked me to help her stay in her apartment. She doesn’t want to move into memory care.
I told her we would do our best to make her apartment safe, knowing we’ll need to reassess as her needs change.
Mum moved into an independent living facility about seven years ago, partly to avoid becoming a burden to her children. She made a substantial, nonrefundable payment for her apartment and continues to pay a significant monthly fee. She had planned ahead.
But independent living has its limits. Emergency help is available, and memory care is offered at no additional cost in a different building. Moving there would mean leaving her apartment, where ongoing care isn’t included. For now, we believe family support can meet her needs: being available, taking her to appointments and noticing when something once straightforward becomes difficult.
Over the past year, since Tory and Jonathan passed away, my involvement in Mum’s life has increased. Caring for her stretches across all 365 days. There are occasional breaks, though usually brief.
My husband, Joey, is a big help. Other family members have helped for a few days, which I appreciate. When Joey and I go away for longer, arranging support becomes more complicated.
It can be worrisome and tiring. I want to be there for Mum, and I also want time with Joey. Making room for both requires help.
Hiring someone is one possibility, but in-home care is expensive, and Mum feels having someone following her around would be invasive. She wants to retain control over her days.
Elaine asked what we would do if I didn’t live nearby. Given Mum’s reluctance to accept outside help, I believe we would need a rotating family schedule so one of us could be with her. That would place demands on our time and disrupt our plans. But she’s our mother, and I feel responsible for helping work through those difficulties.
Her wishes matter. So does being honest about the changes we’re seeing. We’ll need to keep talking with Mum and one another about what’s working and where she needs more support.
I don’t want regrets. I want to know I did all I could for her. That includes asking for help and sharing the responsibility. It takes a village, even when that village is only a handful of people.
This experience has made me consider my own future. Retirement planning includes where we’ll live and how we’ll pay for it. Mum considered both. But who will we turn to for support, and how willing will we be to accept it?
I can’t promise Mum she’ll always be able to stay in her apartment. I can promise to listen, stay involved and work with the family to help her.
That day, I was relieved to find her and be beside her as she told me what was happening. For that moment, she didn’t have to work it out alone.
Have you toured the Memory Care at your mother’s CCRC?? Has she? I have a friend who had to put her husband in such a facility, but well before he needed to move, they both attended lunch, activities, etc at the place. And before he moved, his favorite possessions were put in his apartment. When he finally had to transition, nothing was strange, and everthing went smoothly.
Maybe it’s time for you and your mom to do something similar. It doesn’t have to be threatening— just “”checking things out.” Doing this also would reassure you and the rest of the family that this MC is a good fit. And if it isn’t, you could begin the process of identifying alternatives.
As an outsider looking in the logical answer would be to switch the burden of daily care for your mom from family to a paid professional care giver, at least until her assets are completely exhausted. It may not be her first choice but at any stage of life it is selfish to insist on having exactly what you want, regardless of the impacts on the lives of others. This is exactly what my parents did in their later years. We helped in any way we could but they posed zero financial or decision making burdens on us. They chose their own facilities and care givers and handled all the costs involved. Even when they were in far worse shape physically and mentally than your mom.
Steve, I’m glad your parents were able to make those arrangements. Mum also planned ahead, moving into independent living partly to avoid becoming a burden to us. Memory care is available at no additional cost, though it would mean leaving her apartment.
I don’t see her reluctance as selfishness. She’s aware of the changes happening to her and is trying to hold on to familiar surroundings and some independence. That doesn’t mean her wishes can determine every decision, or that family can provide unlimited care. We’ll need to balance those wishes with her safety and what we can reasonably manage. Paid help remains an option as we work through that.
When I read stories like this I think how fortunate Connie and I are even considering her several physical issues. However, I do find the discussions depressing and a bit frightening.
I look at this issue from the inside out. Our children are ages 56, 55, 52 and 51. I wonder if they have similar discussions about us.
So far so good regarding our cognitive abilities. We have a few friends who have not been so fortunate.
I am grateful our children still ask us for advice and rely on us for transportation, errands, etc. on occasion. In other words, they still trust us.
Good fortune is something to be appreciated.
As far as HD goes, if I start agreeing with the majority of writers and readers, you will know I’m slipping. 😱