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After church service, I said hello to a fellow parishioner. I asked him, how are you doing. He replied, I’m fine, but I wish my friends would stop dying. I said nothing. Upon reflection, I should have replied, well you need to make new friends.
I retired early three and a half years ago at age 57. I spent my days going to the gym (lifting weights) and swimming (getting my cardio). I would say hi to a few folks, but they were mostly thirty second conversations.
Over time, my health and stamina improved. I was pretty happy. Then we went on our annual camping trip to Yosemite National Park. This time, my wife didn’t join me in hiking Yosemite Fall, a strenuous 6-10 hour hike. You start at Yosemite Valley, hike up, see the waterfall, then hike back down. I’ve done this before. Without my wife, I descended without taking adequate breaks. Plus, I started racing others going down. With my hiking sticks, I was moving fast. The next day, I noticed my knee hurting and swollen. First time ever. Turns out I tore my meniscus. Post surgery recovery was depressing. My knee was attached to an ice machine which limited my movement. Retirement didn’t look so good.
I re-started golfing with a longtime friend once a week. It was good to be reacquainted. I also met up with a former coworker. What did I learn? My golfing buddy and I were in a different space. He couldn’t leave his wife for more than a few hours (she wasn’t sick). So we were limited on where to golf. Money, which he had plenty of, was not the gating factor. It was time and commitment. It took me a long time to accept this. Once I did, I looked for other partners, social opportunities. My former coworker? After two lunches, we realized we were incompatible, and like in dating, moved on.
Fast forward to today, and I am a member of a men’s group whose mission is for members to be social (by taking part in various club activities like golf, hiking, lane bowling, book club, etc). The club’s median age is 79. But these men are much fitter and more active compared to most men, at any age. I aspire to be like these men. I am president of the men’s group for our church. We have monthly dinners and two annual parish-wide events. Being a leader pushes me out of my comfort zone, and it’s a great way to meet people. I started a 9-hole men’s golf group within our church. We play weekly and have a beer/snack afterwards. We also watch baseball games, or go to San Francisco to be local tourists. I’ve gotten to know these men at a much deeper level; before we were casual acquaintances. Our wives got in on the fun, and we go on various musical performances. My social circle is much bigger now compared to when I was working. Oh, I rarely see my former coworkers.
What’s next? I think I need to exercise my brain more. I don’t know what this means exactly. We’ll see.
I’m an introvert, but when I moved to a CCRC I made the decision to be more social. I have some new friends and am staying busy. I can still stay home if I feel like it, but I am enjoying myself.
I too made a conscious decision to be more social. I’m glad I did.
I was never a joiner and not now at 82 either. I never had a circle of friends beyond work which turns out colleagues, not friend.
Our condo community has several events, like the upcoming Super Bowl party, we have gone to a few, but it’s just not our scene. We are sitting in the clubhouse now and a woman asked if we were new here – we have lived here 7-1/2 years.
On the other hand, we have made several new friends who we enjoy being with, going out to dinner, having drinks, etc. Also, one guy organizes golf twice a week for 8 of us in the community.
That level of friends and social circle plus two couples we have known for 40 plus years keeps us happy.
7.5 years, that’s funny. Sounds like you have a good balance.
This article sort of reminded me of myself. About 15 years ago, I took up a long-time interest in antique clocks – collecting and restoring. This has led me to meeting people with various backgrounds. Many of my mentors are 10-20 years older than me, so they have much wisdom to share from their professional careers. Being social is good!
Totally agree.
You have identified a serious problem for many retirees, along with some good solutions. Great read, thanks.
I hope I’ve helped those on the cusp of retirement.
Enjoyed reading your story, Venicio. You made some important points about finding your place when you retire. Chris
Thanks Chris.
Thanks for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading about your efforts to build a social network. I think cultivating a strong circle of friends is worth investing our time in—for most of us, life would be diminished without those bonds of friendship.
I was focused on work and family. Expanding my social circle has made my days fuller.