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ON DEC. 14, MY WIFE and I celebrated 54 years of marriage—not bad for a curmudgeon and the person who’s had to live with him.
Considering that the average marriage in the U.S. lasts seven to eight years and the divorce rate is near 50%, we’ve done pretty well. On top of that, we got married just 10 months after our first date—and I was in the Army for eight of them. I remember receiving a letter from my dad while I was in the Army in which he basically asked, “Do you really know what you’re doing?”
Apparently, I did.
A lot has happened over the decades, mostly good and some very fortunate. My wife survived two car accidents unscathed. The first occurred when she was pregnant and driving on a highway at 50 mph, and a front wheel flew off. In the other, someone ran a red light and her car was totaled.
We have what used to be considered a traditional marriage. My wife stopped working when the first of our four children was born in 1970. Thereafter, we lived on my income, and structured our standard of living and spending accordingly.
There was little hope of keeping up with the Joneses. Still, after 54 years, we now are the Joneses—assuming the Joneses have no debt and money in the bank.
When I returned from the Army, we saved 100% of my wife’s income toward a house down payment. When we bought our first and second homes, we chose houses we could afford on my income alone and that would meet the basic needs of a family of six.
Finances are one of the main causes of divorce. Generally, one partner is a saver and the other a spender. We never had that issue. My wife and I both came from modest backgrounds. Her mother lived in near poverty, and my family was lower middle-class.
If I were to tell you that, in 54 years, we never had a significant argument, would you believe me? I hope not. But when it comes to money, it’s true.
QDROs, short for qualified domestic relations orders, became law while I was managing a pension plan, so I got to read a lot of divorce decrees. I couldn’t believe the fights over money, especially when the spouse—always a man—took the position that the wife had done nothing to earn a portion of his pension.
Some decrees went into great detail. I recall one where the ex-spouses were going to live in the same house and share every expense down to the water bill. They couldn’t use the kitchen at the same time, however, so the husband was assigned times to eat. Could he cook, I wondered?
My wife has little interest in our finances. I doubt she knows our net worth or much cares. She still refers to the first of the month—when my pension arrives—as “payday.” There are no financial secrets between us. She’s attended all the estate planning sessions and the one investment meeting we had.
We have joint ownership of everything except my 401(k). I have explained how everything is structured to ensure our—and her—future financial security. I’ve prepared detailed instructions for her or, more likely, for our children to follow. Why has all this worked reasonably well for 54 years? I’d point to 10 factors:
In the end, we haven’t denied ourselves anything important, as some pundits claim frugal seniors do. Granted, many things were delayed to a point that others might find unacceptable. But as the saying goes, first things first.
Richard Quinn blogs at QuinnsCommentary.net. Before retiring in 2010, Dick was a compensation and benefits executive. Follow him on Twitter @QuinnsComments and check out his earlier articles.
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Mazel tov on 54 years! I doubt the Joneses are doing as well as the Quinns. Ha. My wife and I are also both natural savers. Probably the secret to our success. I could imagine being married to a spender could lead to problems.
Dick,
Congratulations on 54 years of happy marriage! My wife and I have 34 happy years so far and I hope we equal your record one day.
My wife and I are very different in numerous ways but the qualities one lacks the other seems to have in abundance. So, it’s worked for us. As they say, opposites attract!
Congratulations on the long and happy marriage you and the other commenters have had. My wife and I are at 43 years of marriage and counting. I find your list to encompass attributes which in my opinion helps to encourage a long and happy marriage, particularity the final item of love.
Implicit in your list is gratitude for the many common blessings we share. Yes, our own decisions are important but I appreciate those who shoulders I stand upon to make informed decisions.
I also consider myself lucky for the family, friends, freedoms, health and opportunities that I have had.
Best, Bill
Well said 👍
Happy anniversary and congrats to you and your wife. I love your work here at HD and respect your perspective on most things.
I will say, though, as a career woman, it’s a little discouraging to read all of the men here praising you and themselves because their wives “stayed home” and you “lived on one income.” I mean, that’s great for you, but it’s not the only way to have a happy marriage, raise kids, or be financially stable. We’re coming up on 40 years of marriage, and I have always worked.
Well, no it isn’t. A happy marriage comes in many forms I’m sure. I didn’t intend to say a stay at home wife was necessary for a happy marriage.
While I have strong opinions on marriage wives, mothers and careers, a happy marriage is about balance, compatible and both partners on the same page as they say and both contributing to the marriage equally in the way that works best for them.
My wife had no desire for a career, she wanted to be a full time mother and gave many hours volunteering at our children’s schools from kindergarten through high school which would not have been possible while working.
Thanks for the reply. I think part of my reaction, besides my own experience, comes from observing my mother. She married in 1960 and was a stay-at-home mom, as most women were in those days. And she was absolutely miserable and my parents were not financially stable, living on one income in the San Francisco Bay Area.
She finally went back to school in 1978, finishing her bachelor’s and master’s degrees and pursuing a career. This development broke up my parents’ marriage
I have a theory about the 1960s, working mothers and the results of it all. Basically with the social movements of the 1960s women were encouraged to have careers, the roll of just a wife and mother was demeaned.
Over the following years two incomes became more and more the norm and lifestyles and standards of living increased accordingly. That increased the cost of everything, especially homes which grew larger and larger.
Today two income families are the norm, in most cases required because standards of living require it. Even for the women who would rather be a full-time mother, the choice may not be available out of necessity.
My old boss was a career women, a real go getter and she worked her way up from a mail clerk to executive VP in an large corporation. Her whole life was her career. I recall one day I was in her office, she just hung up the phone after talking to one of her children and said, “I’m probably the worst mother in the world.” Career always came first.
I think women who are full time stay at home mothers can and do make as significant a contribution to society as anyone with a career. I also think in many cases our educational system suffers because of the lack of these women and I also believe in many cases a child’s education suffers because the stress on two working parents diminishes their ability to be involved in the child’s education and school work.
Oops, sorry, and before they divorced, they also filed for bankruptcy. It was far from an ideal portrait of a stay-at-home wife/one-income family.
Fortunately now many companies give ample time off for volunteering or allow very flexible schedules that enable volunteering in schools . I was lucky to work for such companies.
With a few minor differences, I feel like I just read my life story even down to the 54 years of marriage. We were high school sweethearts, married straight out of college, wife only worked before children, no debt, comfortable retirement, etc., etc. Still in our first and only house built new in 1971. She was raised Episcopalian and I a Methodist, so we compromised and I became an Episcopalian:).
We have four sons, all college on us, good jobs, financially secure, all (apparently) happily married. They’ve given us 8 beautiful grandchildren, 7 granddaughters and 1 grandson. Three of the families live locally and we see the fourth several times each year, including at an all-family two-week beach vacation every summer.
While many look to the heavens and cry out in anger, “Why me, Lord?”, I look up in wonder and thankfulness and also say, “Why me, Lord?”. We have been truly blessed.
Your last paragraph says it all for us to.
Thank you Mr. Quinn. I’m very happy for you and Mrs. Quinn and do hope my wife and I have a marriage lasting that long.
You wrote “My wife and I both came from modest backgrounds.”
I suppose this can end up going one of two ways. Your way which sounds ideal. Or the way my wife tends to lean which is “I had nothing growing up and because we have a few bucks I’m going to make sure my kids have a nice quality of life.” At least her higher spending tendencies have been on family travel and not stuff but I’ve still felt the need to rein it in a bit at times. So while there have been “discussions” there haven’t been fights. We have found a reasonable balance between her feeling we shouldn’t delay gratification too much and me feeling we should delay gratification a bit more.
You wife’s reaction is perfectly understandable, but can go too far as you know. My parents lived modestly, never invested and rarely did anything or go anywhere and lived in retirement on Social Security. That motivated us to live differently, especially regarding saving and investing and once I retired, travel.
old school
old’s cool
Great article Dick! Wife and I have been married 54 years too. We have a lot of parallels with your experiences. My wife became a SAHM after our first child. That was best investment we ever made. She worked part time in day care after our 2nd child started to school.
I was the primary wage earner but readily recognized her invaluable contributions to our family.
We bought our first home a year after marriage. We sold her 65 Mustang to help with the down payment. She has reminded me more than a few times that 65 Mustangs are classic cars and that we should have sold my Chevy Impala.
Your statistic about average duration of marriages is very sobering. We are thankful for 54 good years and hope for many more.
Sorry to say, your wife was right about the car. Our first new car was a Plymouth Duster in 1972, no AC, no power anything. It still exists in one of my sons garage.
Happy Anniversary to you and your wife. We will turn 70 and celebrate our 47th next year while having lived in the same home for 35 years. Our sons have college degrees, are married with families and live nearby. We have enjoyed knowing the five different families who have sequentially lived in the house next door, three of which included a real estate agent. We used to kid them that realtors don’t like us because we rarely move! My wife and I belong to different political parties, different religions, root for rival football teams but share your financial ideas. I think your old “commandment” about having a standard of living during the working years which you can comfortably afford to continue in retirement is spot on.
I bet your differences in political parties were tested in the last six years😎.
We are different religions also, but it has worked out – I just go to church with her and whenever we travel it’s my job to find the local church. I must admit though I failed to do so in Russia.
We have been following you for years. We have a lot in common. I will be 80 soon, met my wife on blind date and married in 5 months. Still married after 54 years, lived on one income, both from frugal backgrounds, good savers. We educated two children to professional degrees with no debt to them.lived in the same 1200 sq ft house for 40 years and now live in our 3500 sq ft condo . Loved my job and didn’t retire until 75, not bragging just had a great life very similar to yours.
RWW
It’s nice to know there are a few of us old school folks still around. I often wonder if we had it right or is it the current generations who do.
We lived in the same (1929) house for 43 years, we sent four children through college – 1,2 or 3 at the same time over ten years. But we never took them to DisneyWorld – which my daughter reminded me of on Christmas Day.
You have me on the condo. 3,500 sf is a whopper, ours is only 2,000 sf.
“Not bad for a curmudgeon “—hmmm, I’ve been married less than half of your years, but I think my wife has more than twice the patience of yours! Congratulations.