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IT’S THE MOST wonderful time of year—for trying to figure out what gifts to give. If you’re like me, you may be wringing your hands. But some studies and a bit of psychology could help.
While searching my favorite websites for gift ideas, I came across a helpful article by psychologist Jill Suttie. She offered five suggestions.
The first is to make sure the gift is practical. I didn’t see that one coming. Practical gifts are remembered. Expensive gifts aren’t necessarily better. Please don’t tell my husband.
You’ll be able to relate to No. 2 if you have small children: Initial enthusiasm doesn’t equate to long-term satisfaction. Have you ever given a child that toy he wanted, only to see him set it aside after a few days or even a few hours, never to be touched again? Suttie says we shouldn’t aim to wow the recipient momentarily with something flashy, but rather give a present likely to deliver longer-term happiness.
Third, people prefer gifts they’ve asked for rather than something you thought they’d appreciate. I can relate to this. Growing up, my mother rarely bought something on the spot when I wanted it. But often, I would later find it under the Christmas tree or as a birthday gift. I’m sure this was her way of ensuring her only child didn’t become a spoiled brat. I hope she succeeded.
Fourth, there’s been much talk about giving experiences over things. According to science, this brings about feelings of closeness between the gift-giver and the recipient.
Finally, there was one caution I found interesting: Don’t give folks a gift if they don’t want one. Such gifts are seen as self-serving, creating a sense of indebtedness.
Suttie’s article reminded me that the point of giving gifts is to strengthen relationships. That helped reduce the commercial aspect of the holiday for me, and also made me look at shopping a little more positively.
Now, about that diamond bracelet I’ve been eyeing. I told my husband it would definitely strengthen our relationship.
People just refuse to accept I don’t want gifts just to get gifts. I don’t need more stuff I don’t want. I don’t want a shirt without a front pocket or thin socks I’ll never wear. I haven’t worn a tie since my wedding five years ago. I don’t want tickets to an experience I’m not interested in. I especially dislike when my family get me gifts I don’t want when effectively I’m paying for them. Just accept I don’t want to deal with more stuff. But at least I’ve learned how to say Thank You without sounding impolite.
A few weeks ago I got a delicious cake for my birthday. It was something we shared together. That was agood gift.
Flowers are always a good bet. I’ve never seen anyone complain about flowers – female OR male. Few people get flowers on days other than traditional days for them (like Mothers Day or an anniversary), so getting flowers out of the blue is always a happy surprise.
How true, at least in my case, when I stopped by the grocery store recently, a flower arrangement caught my eye so I bought it on a whim. Upon bringing it home, my wife was blown away, totally touched by a $12 floral arrangement, a happy surprise as you say!
I recently listened to an episode of the podcast The Hidden Brain entitled “The Secret of Gift Giving” which goes into scientific and psychological research into giving gifts the receiver will value.
https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/the-secret-to-gift-giving/
Some of the gifts that are most valued by the recipient: unexpected gifts (not around holidays, just on random days), gifts that are handmade in some way, experiences over “things”, and gifts that remind the recipient of an experience. (“here is a pebble I picked up on our first date”, etc.)
They go into much more depth and and have many more insights in the episode, of course.
Sonja, thanks for the timely article. We’ve decided that the best Christmas and birthday gift for our kids and grandkids is cash, so they can buy for themselves something they really want—whether a thing or an experience. There have been no complaints and, as far as we can tell, no disappointments.
With few exceptions I find gifts rather disappointing most of the time and I bet if people were honest, they would agree.
After many years it turns into an indirect exchange of money, sometimes that one party can’t truly afford.
If not a disappoint, then there has been so many hints and suggestions it’s like filling a shopping list.
Then at the extreme, the financial stress hits when the January credit card bill comes due.
Routine gift giving is highly over rated.
A true surprise at an unexpected time – like a diamond bracelet – might be different.
I agree. At this point in my life I appreciate a thoughtful card much more than a routine gift I probably don’t even want or need. However, when an opportunity arises to give someone a gift that is both unexpected and something you know they’ll like, then that’s a different matter entirely and I greatly enjoy those moments.
My husband and I make it a point to exchange cards on a regular (and unexpected) basis. There’s an old-fashioned dime store in our neighborhood where you can get really lovely greeting cards for $3.00 (or less!). As a writer, I always appreciate a thoughtful written message as much–or more–than an actual gift.