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There was a very thoughtful post on here regarding family that is distant and solutions when there are health events. I was going to comment but thought I would just start another post as this is more of a question than a solution.
Hubby (who has since passed away) and I moved from Fl to NC to be closer to our youngest daughter and family, including our youngest grandchild. She is responsible and stable and I can rely on her for assistance when I need whether financial advice or otherwise. Our oldest daughter still in Florida is always short of money even though she earns well, asking for loans regularly. In addition, I worry as she ages about her health and what expectations would be if she had a health event where she needed assistance. I am 77 and don’t travel as I have ongoing health issues myself and our daughter here isn’t close to her.
Is anyone else in this type of situation and does anyone have any thoughts about this that would be helpful?
If I can’t afford to give it, I don’t lend it. Actually having it returned is a bonus, and a good indicator of whether future “loans” are warranted.
The Bible and common experience say the lender/borrower relationship is a bit like that of a master and slave. Thus I chose never to lend to friends or family. If someone asks I tell them I don’t make personal loans, but I will consider giving them the money. Oddly, this has resulted in all the larger loan requests being rescinded and only one that I can remember accepted a smaller amount. I’m only one data point, but it’s over a span of about 45 years. Humans are interesting.
I had a sister who frequently asked various family members and friends for money ostensibly because of one crisis or another. When she asked me for money, I lent her some, saying if she repaid it, I would lend her more if needed in the future. She didn’t repay it, and when she asked again anyway, I said no, and when she pushed back multiple times, I just kept calmly repeating no.
One of the best things I ever did for myself was learn how to say no.
Yes, that is what I have started to do is just say no.
We are grappling with this issue with our oldest child. Mid 30’s still struggling with having a steady income and $$ seems to flow somewhere with mutiple crisis. We are not sure what the underlying issue is, possibly gambling or substance abuse. We are in the process of setting up a trust with an outside trustee to approve funds as needed for housing and medical care. Even if I had another family member both young enough and mature enough, not sure I would want to burden them with being the trustee. But other than disowning them I see no other solution because I don’t believe any inheritance would last long if we left the money with no strings attached.
I’m not a lawyer so take my comment with a grain of salt. I believe some states have a specific “spendthrift trust” written into state law to specifically deal with this kind of situation. I don’t know but assume it might have some added benefits for ensuring the trust meets your intended purpose. In states without a spendthrift trust, there might be a “spendthrift clause” that needs to be in the trust to help achieve your goal. If your attorney hasn’t brought it up, you might want to ask about it.
Thank you for this info…will look into it as a possibility.
Yes, it is worrying…I don’t know that I honestly care when I am gone what she would do with monies left to her except that her sister will be left with untold headaches and that I DO worry about.
I resonate with your concerns. Our daughter (early 30s) has never fully launched financially and was injured twice in car accidents. We’ve jumped in and helped her with money several times, which we could do while we’re still working and had disposable income, but those days are rapidly coming to a close. She also doesn’t take care of her own health especially well—at her age, she can somewhat get away with that, but it will catch up with her before too long.
One thing we’ve done is to set up a trust for her in our estate plan in which a trustee releases money to her at intervals over several decades so that there’s support for her when she’s older and when we’re gone. We don’t have confidence that if we just left her a big pot of money, she’d manage it wisely. She might be offended by that conclusion, but it’s our money, and she can think what she wants.
The question you raised of how to care for an aging adult child if they get sick or injured and don’t have resources or a support system other than you is a good one, and I’m going to think more about it. We’ve already concluded that we can’t expect her to care for us in our old age and that we’ll have to make our own arrangements, but what if we’re (much) older and she needs care? Aargh. Another thing to worry about…
As we have divided the estate between the 2 girls, not sure if I can set up a trust for her specifically, will call my estate attorney and try and address this going forward. And yes, that was one of the reasons for our move was that we had become aware she wouldn’t be trustworthy if we needed ongoing health assistance and our younger daughter would be. If you come up with any ideas, would love to know, many thanks…
Have you tried having a conversation with her to express your concerns? It would help if you have suggestions on how she help herself.
Do you always give her money when she asks? Saying no with love and explaining why would help.
The difference in your two daughters is not unusual. We have a son and daughter, both now in their 50s. When they were young, we would send them to church camp for a week. One year I gave them both $20 for spending money (this was the 70s). Our daughter had $10 left at the end of the week. Our son had spent his $20 and had borrowed money from one of the chaperones which I had to repay.
This financial behavior has persisted throughout their adult life although our son is better than he used to be.
If I could post a photo of myself you would see me with a blue face as in I have spoken to her/with her til I’m blue in the face. Her sister is worried about her future health/financial issues so we BOTH have come up with multiple suggestions for solutions…she is dismissive and insulting so we have stopped trying to make suggestions.
I would give her the small amounts when she asked as she would pay back immediately. Last month however she didn’t pay me back (to date hasn’t) and she then wanted more money to forestall her car getting repoed. I told her I wouldn’t give her any more money and was going to step out of that constant borrowing as she surrounds the ask with chaos (at Christmastime) and it was affecting my health. She FaceTimes regularly (since my hubby died) so I try to keep conversation light and avoid mention of her money problems.
Just cannot come up with a possible solution if she gets sick and my health is already compromised.
Particularly since the sisters are not close, you could speak to an estate planning attorney and look into setting up a trust. If you have concerns about your daughter’s future health, there are ways to address that. Be sure to research the reputations of anyone helping with estate planning – getting a few recommendations from trusted friends would also be a start.
When hubby was alive we did estate planning yearly, thoughtfully. The girls have been left equal shares of whatever estate is left after I have gone. Am curious what you mean when you speak of addressing daughter’s future health though?