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November is my birthday month. A good time for reflection. With advancing age, we can all give more thought to how we can improve the quality of our lives—enjoy our days and gain peace of mind. When we don’t have as much life left, we want to maximize the time we have.
One of my pet peeves has always been dealing appropriately with rude and disrespectful people. With maturity, we are motivated to avoid jerks and futile conflicts. And we learn how to regulate our emotions to mitigate the effects rude people have on our psyche.
But there are some situations you can’t always avoid. The next time someone cuts you off in traffic, Don’t assume that they are only rude to you. Truth be told, that person is rude to everyone—even their mother. If their parents didn’t teach them how to be considerate in 25 years or so, how are you going to improve their bad manners by invoking your anger.
Let’s put things in perspective— When we take whatever others think, do, or say personally, we are allowing others to offend us. The fact is that some humans possess a large number of negative traits that lead to inconsiderate words and actions. Learn to ignore disrespectful words and actions, as these people are doing the very same thing to others. They can’t help it; It’s just in their nature to be that way. Often they are just malcontents— Out there, looking for a dog to bite in the”A – double scribble.”
Granted you want a world in which everyone is as considerate as you are. I think you know this won’t happen. Don’t take it as a personal affront. Do you really need their respect and approval?
While you can give someone a piece of your mind when you’re angry or irritated, you will only achieve peace of mind by letting your anger go. The human condition is such that anger is the first emotion to well up when we’re offended, but the sooner we can quell negative thoughts and feelings, the happier we will be.
Sometimes, we struggle to regulate our emotions. It helps me to think of courteous people; strangers, I might encounter in my daily errands who smile at me in passing, hold doors open for me— And even help me unload my groceries from the shopping cart onto the cashiers counter at the Food market. Little do these strangers know how much they contribute to a more pleasant world.
Have you let someone get under your skin? It will only frustrate you and ruin your day. So the next time someone slights you, hurts your feelings, or irritates you with harsh or disrespectful comments, take a pause. Resist ruminating over it. Trust me, if happiness is one of your goals it’s just not worth it.
Good day to all. After 78 years, I at least think I learned how to mellow. There are just too many times when getting angry can get you into trouble. Drive defensively, chill when you get cut off, and you will have a better day. When things seem to be going wrong, do what I call ODAAT, one day at a time. This has gotten me through a bone marrow transplant and it was a long time, and many more situations. So take on that good attitude and spread Kindness to all, even when they do not deserve it. None of us know the many troubles of our fellow citizens.
So, I’ll tell you a story of something that happened to me and I’d like to get feedback on how you would have responded.
My wife and I were returning home from a weeklong trip and decided to make one, last stop at a coffee shop in a small town. We were ready to relax and unwind. We got our coffee and pastries and sat at our table. Soon after, a couple with children in tow came in and sat in a table next to us. One child (about a year old) started crying and being fussy. I eyed an open table and we moved. Problem solved, I thought. A little while after, the couple was leaving and the mom stopped and said to us “Thank you for moving” (no smile). It took me a long while to process, but I realized after they left that I had just heard the finest backhanded compliment I’ve ever heard. I ruminated long afterwards on my retort. I just found it frustrating that she was insulted and couldn’t see our perspective –and we didn’t even say anything to them. So, so hard to take the article’s advice in the moment, but I agree it’s the only path to peace of mind.
Kurt, my reaction to the woman, whose remark to you was intentionally nasty and selfish, would have been—“you are so welcome, the pleasure was all mine”. Never give people like that satisfaction. And don’t respond in kind. If you can remember my suggestion it will serve you well. Hope I’ve helped.
thanks for reading and commenting.
Perhaps the most familiar razor, a philosophical rule of thumb that helps simplify thinking, is Occam’s Razor. It can be paraphrased as “The simplest explanation is most often correct.”
Hanlon’s Razor might be useful in this discussion.
“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence or stupidity.” It can be paraphrased as “It isn’t personal!”
Thanks for reading Brian and sharing your perspective
Marjorie, thanks for an insightful post, and Happy Birthday (month)!
I appreciate your good wishes, Andrew. Thank you very much. And thanks for reading.
For me, frustrations mostly don’t come from the actions of other people, but rather from dealing either electronically or otherwise with businesses and service providers. There is nothing as un-enjoyable as listening for the 60th time to a recording telling me how much they value me but have too many callers to help me.
Or how about entering the grocery store and finding no carts available. I am certainly not happy when on the first hour of a sale that they don’t have the items they advertised for sale.
Over the last several months I have received an average of 4-5 spam phone calls every day, this despite using all available ways to stop them. Oh, and let us not forget the times we need to consult some website and the thing I need to see is blocked by a pop-up ad, or cookie management notice or some other visual junk.
Finally, just 2 years ago, a head of green leaf lettuce at our local Kroger brand store was .99$; yesterday it was $2.69.
The challenge with all of this is that there is nothing you can do about these things except call a friend and commiserate…
I agree that Business interactions seem to have become more complicated and frustrating with passing time. When you call a business person now you get voicemail. You leave a message but may not be available when and if they call back. You wind up playing “phone tag”. And businesses want everything done online, but first you have to create an account. That’s just the small stuff.
Getting anything settled can be a nightmare. To further complicate matters a lot of companies, Even major companies, comtract with third-party companies to handle some situations. You wind up dealing with a big confusing complicated mess. Nothing is simple or clear cut.
You are not alone, Stelea99, but you are right about one thing—friends make all the difference
and make everything better.
With respect to the cut off in traffic situation, I always try to give the benefit of the doubt. Some folks are simply not good drivers, others may be new drivers, some older in age, others with some type of personal crisis going on causing distraction. And of course, there’s always the option of just a knowing jerk. I find assuming it’s one of the prior options makes me feel more grateful and less triggered.
Malba, you certainly have a generous attitude. If, however, as you say, they are “simply not good drivers”, they really don’t belong on the road. Still, I appreciate your good intentions and kind feelings towards others,
Thank you for reading and commenting.
Great advice, Marjorie. And thank you for the homonym about the mind. Some of my favorite people were born in November. Happy Birthday to you!
Ed, leave it to you to catch the homonym, as clever as you are with words. And thank you for your well wishes.
On a personal note, Ed, someone wrote a post recently about favorite commenters and writers. Although I don’t know if it’s fair to single people out as so many contribute so much, each in their own inimitable style—still, I couldn’t help thinking of you as a good candidate.
You are too kind.
Working in the grocery industry I had my share of rude customer encounters. I rarely took it personal, it was just about something with the store. One day a woman approached me to ask about a product that was empty on the shelf. I told her we were probably out but would check our back room. She proceeded to explode and completely went over the top in her rudeness. I went into the back room and happened to find the item she wanted. I thought what a witch and would be happy to be done with her. When I brought her the item(Oreos) she took it and proceeded to break down crying. She apologized for being so mean, but said she had just dropped off her sister from her doctor appointment. Her sister had terminal colon cancer and was going to be entering hospice. I started talking to her because my mom had died from colon cancer just a month earlier. Now we were both crying .Customers walking in the aisle were definitely looking. Once in a while that person you encounter who is being a jerk might just be having one of the worst days of their lives.
H S. Thank you for sharing your story. You were so good to empathize with your customer. And I am so sorry about your loss.
While there are circumstances when it’s not always about us and our feelings,I am reminded of a lovely woman I knew who had terminal cancer. That Christmas I received a card from her. It was a beautiful red card with a small gold heart in the center. When I opened the card, there was only one word inside..it said LOVE. She died soon after. I’ve always thought of her gentleness.
As part of overcoming perfectionism, I have learned to accept the varying degrees of varying imperfections not just in myself but in all humans.
I think it was philosopher Peter Singer who said he never got angry with people because he recognized that if we had lived others’ lives exactly as they had — with their genes, upbringing, experiences, and circumstances — we would make the same choices they did. Practical ethics, if you will.
In my faith, we have “Let not your heart be offended with anyone” and “Beware! Beware! lest ye offend any heart” and lots of guidance on accomplishing both, as of course they are easier said than done.
Thank you for your comments, IPF. I also think it is our faith that gives us greater tolerance, as well as kindness, gentleness, compassion and understanding.
they think it is their world and we just live in it…….time is too short to worry about what the idiots think so I just surround myself with as mant positive people I can…….life is too short enjoy each day
Thank you for reading and for your wise comments, Jay.
Learning to not being bothered by such things is a huge contributor to good quality of life… And I’m forever working on it.
On road rage; if I wouldn’t say it to your face, I try not to say it from the safety of my car. It isn’t always easy.
And extending common courtesy to strangers; priceless.
Thank you for your comments, Dan. No matter our age, hopefully we are constantly learning, adapting and growing. I’m still learning.
“Now, ain’t It good to know that you’ve got a friend, when people can be so cold..They’ll hurt you and desert you and take your soul if you let them. Ah, but don’t you let them.”—Carole King