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Driving home from the airport yesterday morning after dropping off a friend, an amusing thought crossed my mind: what if I actually calculated my billable hours for the past week? Since retiring, I’ve noticed that friends and family have come to see me as their go-to problem solver whenever something needs doing. The assumption seems to be that old Mark just sits around doing nothing while everyone else is busy being productive.
Let me walk you through my week. I took a friend’s daughter to the hospital for her 20-week pregnancy scan and spent the appointment in the waiting room entertaining her two-year-old. I collected another friend’s car and drove it across town to get its mandatory annual safety inspection. And as I mentioned, there was that airport run yesterday morning.
But let’s really examine my billable hours. On Friday afternoon, I ran a two-hour pickleball clinic for 16 seniors who wanted to learn the sport. I taught them the rules, covered playing tactics, organized practice games between participants, and walked them through proper court safety and age-appropriate warm-up routines. That’s got to be worth a few billable hours, surely.
Now, I’ll give myself a free pass on the three days I spent ferrying my grandkids to and from school. Billing for that would be pushing things a bit far.
By my rough calculation, that’s at least $400 to $500 worth of services I’ve provided for free this week. It just goes to show how much society benefits from the goodwill of us retired folks who are supposedly standing around doing nothing all week.
I wonder what job title I should give myself? needs to be something fancy to justify my wages: Community Logistics & Wellness Coordinator sounds about right, I’m feeling very important now, I might get myself some new business cards printed up.
Just saying 😉
Billing Period:,”November 17 – November 23, 2025″
Billed To:,”The Community (Friends, Family, and Society at Large)”
Consultant:,Mark
Title:,Community Logistics & Wellness Coordinator
Services Provided This Week
Monday
Hospital Caregiving & Support: Providing childcare/entertainment during friend’s daughter’s 20-week scan (Waiting Room Attendant / Child Supervisor)
1.5 hours @ $50/hour = $75.00
Wednesday
Automotive Fleet Management: Collecting, driving, and coordinating mandatory annual safety inspection (Logistics & Transport Specialist)
1 hour @ $65/hour = $65.00
Friday
Professional Athletic Instruction: Developing and delivering two-hour Pickleball Clinic (Certified Wellness & Sports Instructor)
2 hours @ $100/hour = $200.00
Saturday
Executive Travel Coordination: Early morning airport drop-off (Dedicated Chauffeur/Logistics Specialist, including premium for early hour service)
1.5 hours @ $75/hour = $112.50
Complimentary Services
Pro Bono Publico Deduction: Family Transport Services (Grandkids school runs x 3 days) = $0.00
Total Hours Billed: 6 hours
Total Amount Due: $452.50
I am the treasurer of a small tax district, an elected official. I approve invoices, sign checks, go to meetings, prepare and present quarterly reports, and help prepare the budget. It is only part-time, but to hire some with the skill level to do this work would not be cheap.
As long as they are just fantasy billable hours, why not increase your fantasy hourly rate and feel even more highly paid in your fantasy accounting for your time?
I could certainly do that. However, that would undermine the article’s central objective: using the humor of a ‘fantasy labor bill’ to illustrate the hidden economic value that retirees contribute to society through volunteering. Maybe the conceit was too subtle?
No, not too subtle. Humorous post that I thoroughly enjoyed.
When I started a volunteer activity in 2018, the organization told the other volunteers and me how much per hour our volunteer “work” saved the organization. That was the only time when I have bothered to think about the economic value of what I voluntarily do for free as a retiree.