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With families spread out across the country—and sometimes across the world—I’ve been chewing on something for a while.
Quick definition: a nuclear family is the basic household unit—parents (or a single parent) and kids living together.
What I’m really asking about is the older geographic family nucleus—grandparents, siblings, aunts/uncles close enough to be “boots on the ground” when you need help.
It seems like that this started loosening after WWII and, by the late 70s/80s, more families were scattered for careers, school, military life, divorce/remarriage, and plain mobility.
The practical result is pretty simple: a lot of us can’t assume family is nearby when real life hits—surgery, illness, a spouse needing care, a sudden fall, a car in the shop, you name it.
So, here’s my questions:
If family isn’t local, how do you plan for the “support gap” that distance creates?
• Do you set a target monthly spending level for help you might outsource—housekeeping, yard work, meals, transportation, handyman, occasional in-home assistance? If so, what number do you use and what drove it?
• Do you maintain a separate “distance fund” for travel—planned visits and last-minute trips for emergencies?
• Does being far from family push you toward long-term care insurance, a retirement community/Continuing Care Retirement Community, or simply a plan to pay for in-home care as needed?
• For those already living this: what costs were bigger (or smaller) than you expected?
Here’s the planning assumption I’m trying to sharpen into something usable:
“If we don’t have nearby family support, we should treat help as an intentional part of the plan—either (1) a recurring ‘outsourced support’ spending target plus a separate travel/emergency reserve, or (2) a dedicated reserve/insurance strategy for short bursts of higher help needs.”
How have you quantified that “support gap” in your own plan—rules of thumb, real numbers, or lessons learned?
While unplanned events may occur randomly, I don’t think most unplanned events repeat themselves, like hot water heater replacements, a new furnace, a car accident, a fall down steps, or a leaky roof. I also think that unplanned events, taken as a group, tend to occur randomly over time, and can usually be managed if they do. I use the rule of thumb that I will have at least one and possibly two unplanned events a quarter that may cost me in the range of $500-$2,000 each. That’s what I plan for, and that’s the extra room I leave in my accounts to be used for them.
Of course, I also try to maintain a slush fund of dollars that I can tap into if a larger unplanned event or a sequence of unplanned events demands it, or I don’t want to confuse my normal planned spending with other things that demand my money. That goes for vacations, occasional big charitable contributions, and other things that are positives and not negatives. I don’t like to maintain too much detail in my paperwork accounting – being too granular is a waste of time to me. One just needs to be able to go back and look at prior expenditures in an area, watch the flow, and notice changes in trends, IMHO.
While the financial support gap is real, we can fund and plan to fill the gap. The emotional support gap is just as real and needs to be addressed as well.
This morning started with news from my son-in-law that his father suddenly passed during the night. (The man retired in September.) My SIL and his siblings all live close to his parents and the emotional support will be more precious than anything else.
My wife is a Geriatric Care Manager. If you are in a situation where you are alone, have family in another state, or are becoming a caregiver for a spouse look into this type of service. She will assist coordination of Dr appts, rides to Dr visits, attend the visit and take notes, inform family if so requested. Help with searching for care in home or assisted living. Work with pharmacies to get medication, and a host of other practical day to day needs. It’s not for everyone, but if you or someone you know needs this type of service, it could be invaluable. She can take care of the grind so you don’t have to. We are in GA but I understand that these services are taking shape all over the country now.
Good one. I had a life lesson in most of this starting 30 years ago as an only child and grandchild living in another state. That 12-year lesson of managing care, visits, finances, support, government rules, nursing homes, real-estate transactions, wills, estates and lots more, provided the impetus and some of the knowledge and experience that has been useful in planning for my wife and I. The first two questions are financial and the answer is we did not dive into detailed budgeting, but we did is work long and hard and save so that we have a reasonable war chest. Yes we did buy traditional LTCI in our 50s and yes we went on the waiting list for 4 CCRCs in our 60s. I feel like we are pretty well prepared. We also are investing in our health to increase our healthspan-my hope is to extend the Go-Go years right through our 70s! We’ll see, I turn 70 this year!