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Are you definitely sure I can’t tempt you?” my friend asked for the last time as we finished our phone conversation. Once again, I replied in the negative before a few pleasant closing words and then hanging up.
Thinking back on our chat, I realized this was the fourth invitation to various activities I’ve turned down in the last few months. The invitations ranged from an opportunity to provide tax reporting services for an old friend at a decent billable rate to this most recent inquiry today to play doubles together in a badminton league come September.
The common thread running through all these rejections was a desire to protect and husband my most precious asset, my time. To an observer, this in some aspects could be seen as a worrying trend, possibly leading to social isolation. However, through my eyes, when I already have a large universe of diverse sporting and social activities, it’s an essential filter to ensure maximum enjoyment from my current lifestyle without undue pressure.
I understand I’m fortunate in having the privilege of an already rounded social life, and I know this isn’t a given for everyone. But if you are in my position, I think it’s important to practice this mindful curation of your time.
In a world that often celebrates “busyness” as a sign of importance and meaningfulness, learning to say no is an act of self-care. It’s an acknowledgment that our energy, like our time, is a finite resource. By carefully assessing what we commit to, we create space for what truly matters: deep connections, genuine engagement, and the necessary quiet time to recharge.
This isn’t isolation; it’s intentional living—a deliberate choice to build a life that is rich in quality, not just quantity. It allows me to enjoy considerable amounts of time on solitary activities like reading and pursuing other interests, such as spending time thinking and composing articles for this site.
Ultimately, the choice to say “no” is in my mind the choice to say “yes” to something else: yes to your well-being, yes to your existing connections, and yes to the quiet moments that make life meaningful. This isn’t isolation; it’s a quiet form of self-respect that allows you to build a life that is truly rich in quality. Be careful that the doors you open are the ones you want to step through.
The ability to say “no” is an important life skill. “Sorry, no”, if appropriate, no explanation needed (and best avoided).
Agree about avoiding an explanation — so as not to be taken as an invitation for a rebuttal.
I do use “so sorry” instead of just “sorry” hoping it comes across as a gentler turndown.
When appropriate, I also use “That’s not something I do” or “That’s not something I can do.” Again, no explanation.
Thank you for the terrific article.
When I was still working, it seemed as if those who were “so busy” were among those who were least effective.
Now in retirement, having nearly complete control of my time has been delightful, allowing me to focus on those activities that give me and those I love joy.
Mark, well said and excellent points. I think that sometimes in retirement, we are worried about filling the time gap left by not going to work with enough activities to fill those hours. Since retiring two years ago, I don’t feel that need at all. I’ve found things to keep myself busy and engaged including regular visits to our local library, reading (something I mindfully wanted to do more of), enrolling and taking college classes (non-credit basis) at a nearby NJ state university for free, volunteering for a few non-profit and social groups important to me, being a member of the Homeowners Association of our NJ shore condominium and playing Pickelball with my wife and many new friends we’ve made through this popular sport for folks our age. When friends have asked me to play golf, I just don’t have a great desire (or time) to spend a 1/2 day struggling with my mediocre game.
And I didn’t even mention spending more time with my grandkids, who are all nearby fortunately and our proximity helps out their busy working parents.
Are there other things I am offered to do (or wish I could do)….yes of course, but who has the time? I just have to say NO!
Yes I never mentioned the grandkids, they take up a lot of time!
I think it’s definitely a throwback to the world of work. How often do I hear the “are you busy?” gambit in work conversations to which the answer is always to play up how insanely hard you are working or what projects you’re bringing in etc. To do otherwise would somehow be to admit you are less than 100% crucial to the business and mark you down as a slacker.
It’s different for business owners but for worker bees, surely the ambition should be to be as busy as you need to be but no more. It isn’t a virtue in its own right.
I think that equation should hold for retirement. With personal needs for social connection, health/fitness and necessary life admin being the priorities before you take on the stuff for others. And a recognition that the “void” time when your time is not being controlled by a calendar may be the most valuable of all.