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I want to thank all forum members who commented on my last post about helping my adult son and his new wife. Last night, my wife and I applied all of the lessons to have “the talk” with my son, his wife and my daughter over an impromptu family dinner at our house. Just a quick background for context and then back to the conversation. My daughter lives in Maryland, some 3.5-4.0 hours away. My son also lives south of us about 2.5 hours away. Unless we drive to them, it is not often we are all together. What brought us together last night was the death of my MIL, who died peacefully at 97. Tired and emotionally drained, we decided to order in food for dinner rather than going out. It set the stage for a very healthy and productive conversation about money. As fortune would have it, my son and daughter in law opened the conversation by telling us that they had stopped to look at a few houses on their drive up. They were all excited and a little nervous by the experience and the potential reality of owning their own home. We listened and probed (gently). When the topic switched to mortgages, down payments, etc. I used one of the HD lessons to ease into the conversation. I told them how proud we are of them for taking this big step on their own. I also said that while I understand and respect their desire to do things on their own, that I wanted them to know that we are in the fortunate position to help them and would very much like to offer our support. Initially they were gracious, but clearly hesitant. So my wife jumped in with “the offer they couldn’t refuse”. She will be inheriting a rather large sum of money from her mother, and before she passed they talked about her desire to help her grandchildren financially. She also added in that we are both of the mindset to want to see our kids benefit from our financial well-being while we are still alive. In the end, I do not know whether they will take the money or how much, but we felt fully armed with all of the tools to have the conversation we needed to have, in large part thanks to the wisdom and generosity of the HD community. I imagine this is what Jonathan was hoping for when he launched this site. Thank you again.
If your children will be beneficiaries of your estate and you can afford to help them I see no reason not to do so.
Personally we have been gifting our children money for their IRA’s that they would struggle to fund at their current salaries. They are thankfully both financially responsible and live within their means.
We helped each of our children buy their first homes with a modest amount. My folks had done the same for us. Even a few thousand dollars to help with closing costs lets them know you are on their side. We and our children were all grateful for these gifts given with love. Chris
We started giving unsolicited money gifts to our two children 2 years ago. We had good years investing and decided to share that with them. We gave each of them $15k each year. They will have good inheritances but these funds will help now when they can use it. It will not jeopardize my retirement and I plan to make this an annual event.
We will be having a similar conversation with our adult children soon and this post has given me a couple good ideas. Thank you!
i believe in your initial post, you expressed some disappointment in your son deciding to strike out on his own rather than live in a property you owned. In this post, you and possibly your wife, seem to have moved on from that position. I think that’s truly an important familial benefit — regardless of whether your son and his wife accept the down payment help. Sometimes it’s hard to accept our adult children’s decisions when we think we “know best.”