AT A VULNERABLE time in my life, I went to a “quantum healer” who said my deceased mother was trying to ask me, “What do you want?”
I kept saying “I don’t know” to the healer and she kept repeating the question, until the answer popped out unexpectedly, “I just want to be alone right now.” The healer said my mother was clapping. That was exactly what I needed to hear to help me clarify my thinking.
I believe that “what do you want?” is the most important question we can ask not just ourselves, but also others. If we don’t consciously identify what it is we really want, how likely are we to achieve it?
I knew a man who lived and breathed real estate. He got his real estate license but he never used it. Every time he got near success, he would come up with some reason he couldn’t do it. He remained unfulfilled and complained his whole life. He never believed that he could get—or perhaps deserved—what he wanted.
I now understand that we accept into our life what we think we deserve. There’s a saying that goes along with this notion: “If you believe it, you can achieve it.” So, what is it that you really want?
Early on, it was clear that what I wanted most in life was a belief system that worked for me, to be married and to be a mother. It took a lot of living to make all of those things my reality.
I realize now that for years I unconsciously believed that, to be a good mother or even a good person, I needed to continually sacrifice my own needs and desires. By the time I met the love of my life in my mid-50s, I was prepared to live the life I truly wanted. To get there, however, I had many experiences that clearly defined what I didn’t want.
What does all this have to do with money? If I identify what I want financially, it’s more likely to happen than if I’m vague about it. What wants have I identified for myself?
I’ve been working my entire adult life. I now realize that I want to work as long as I love it, can set my own schedule, feel valued and am genuinely contributing. Right now, I have the perfect job for me, one where I set my own hours.
Physically, there’s a point where work is actually good for me, and a point where it becomes unhealthy. I have enough financially to survive in retirement, but I do love the freedom that comes with more money. If it comes easily, I will continue to acquire it.
In fact, I know I tend to hoard money. My husband helps me spend it on experiences that we’ll treasure forever. As I write this, I’m listening to the birds from a lanai in Molokai, Hawaii.
I’m still working on questions about my retirement. What will motivate me when I no longer have a job? What will I do to feel inspired, to get up and out every day? Will my self-worth and motivation suffer when I’m no longer showing up and being useful in a financial way?
I know I don’t want to be dependent on anyone else financially. I want options, especially as I age. As a nurse, I’m familiar with caregivers who look after their grown children, while risking their own future.
It’s surprising how many people know nothing about what they should be doing to prepare for their future. Many are so anxious they won’t even look at what needs to be done. They’re so overwhelmed by distractions, enticements and fearful news that they don’t make any deliberate changes.
What I find most disturbing is that many of these people feel it’s honorable to take care of their family before themselves, even when they’re putting themselves at risk. They have irrational guilt about taking care of themselves. At one time, I did, too. But here’s the obvious thing: Not taking care of yourself doesn’t help anyone.
I’ve adopted some financial principles related to helping others that keep me on track:
Focusing on what you really want may seem selfish. But I see it as being responsible. I believe everyone should take care of themselves to the best of their abilities. I want everyone to have the life they desire—but that doesn’t usually happen without deliberate thought and without asking, “What do I want?”
Marla McCune is a registered nurse with a career spanning 45 years. She also loves journaling and outdoor activities, including swimming, photography and gardening. Marla’s previous article was Finally in Charge.
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That’s a fascinating article, Marla. I retired about a year ago after 37 years as a primary care physician. A few months back a friend asked “Do you feel unfulfilled? I mean, didn’t doctors used to work until they were 89?”.
I told him yes they did, but that was before dysfunctional electronic medical records and incessant nonsensical battles with insurance companies burned out a substantial percentage of the primary care workforce. I reassured him I have a multitude of pursuits that have assisted with my psychological well being. Just last night I was thinking about all the missed events and good times over the past many years and I feel no remorse over now being more selfish with my time.
You’re in health care so you understand completely that we need to start doing a much better job of supporting clinicians to allow them to focus on what is really important (providing optimal patient care!).
There’s a difference between selfish and enlightened self interest, and you’ve made the distinction well. About leaving an inheritance for your kids: more than money I believe is leaving an example of a life well lived, placing love, kindness and compassion above all else. That being done, when you start “spending your children’s inheritance” they’ll be loving and happy that you know enough to do so.
Thank you. I want to give my children things far more valuable than just money. I want to emulate to them how to create for themselves happy sustainable relationships with people and money both.
Marla, thanks for a fantastic article. I agree wholeheartedly with your premise of starting with the question “what do I want?” When I made the decision to retire it wasn’t because I hated my job, but I realized I have a finite number of days left, and my goal is to live each day intentionally. We don’t get any of these days back – there are no do-overs! So I basically start each day with the question “what do I want today to be?” Once I determined that I was financially secure enough to retire, my goal has been to really be intentional about how I spend my remaining days.
You will be the same person whether you are working or retired, guided by your principles, interests and motivations. One who defines themselves by his or her job will experience pain when the job ends. But we are all much more than our work. The hardest challenge I’ve found in retirement has been finding a way to contribute where I can use my still-valuable skills to do something I enjoy that really makes a difference somewhere for good, and at the same time not get locked into a dull situation with just another schedule and routine to bog me down. I’ve been only occasionally successful, but I am infinitely curious and a self-starter generally, so I don’t feel I am missing anything when I simply enjoy retirement.
Good thoughts, I think we need to be willing to enter into an empty void of stillness sometimes to let our truest gifts and desires take shape so I am not worrying about what I will do later too much now.
An empty void of stillness can be a very appealing thing after years of being on the front lines of health care.
A recently retired ER doc friend and I agree that it is an awesome thing to no longer constantly be in a huge hurry.
I think a lot of drama is created when one attaches strings to a gift. Expecting others to use the gift responsibly is quite the string. Can we really expect others to be responsible? If I give money to my children and one saves it for a down payment on a house and the other goes on a vacation and buys a new tv- should I care? I think I am better off not caring.
As I ride off into the sunset-I retired a year and a half ago- I created a little side hustle, providing science activities for libraries and schools at no cost. It is a way for me to give something to back to my community. Each of us is unique, and we thrive when we use our unique skills to help others. The thing is, when we help others we inadvertently help our selves. It’s a bit of a paradox, but the more we try and covet our money, the poorer we tend to feel. I am not advocating we give our money away necessary, but I have found that I don’t need all that much to be happy- and the things that will bring the most satisfaction really don’t cost that much.
I agree that we must know what we want, but if it can be purchased it’s probably not what we need- unless it improves our health or connection to others.
agree completely!
Thank you for this article. It really helps me. I am now 79 and have been retired since 2015. My wife passed away last September. I loved her unconditionally and devoted most of my time caring for her during her decline. In addition to the grief, I have also been having identity crisis.
Your last paragraph shocked me into realizing I need to put some “deliberate thought” into asking myself “What do I want?”.
Thanks Nicholas, you are going through some difficult challenges and hopefully you can identify and focus on what is most precious and important to you now. Sending courage.
An interesting point of view. You say “What I find most disturbing is that many of these people feel it’s honorable to take care of their family before themselves, even when they’re putting themselves at risk.” That’s a real complex statement. You could substitute responsible for honorable for example. Then, of course, we need to define risk.
However, you are correct that if we do end up making ourselves dependent on others by trying to help, not much has been accomplished.
“If others want help, they should negotiate – some mutual benefit” Can’t say I agree with that one. I get pleasure in helping others who have never met me and never will. I don’t expect appreciation, even when I help a child pay medical bills.
An inheritance is not a right. I agree. On the other hand, beyond my actual needs, what did I accumulate money for?
I have long had a goal of helping my children and grandchildren to the extent possible. My wife and I don’t deny ourselves things and experiences, but we also plan to leave an inheritance for family if possible, something neither of us had.
I hear you. But is it responsible to put yourself in harm’s way to help someone only to find yourself needing them to reciprocate? And I do believe in helping others who can’t benefit me… the point was not letting others manipulate you into not taking responsibility for yourself.
Einstein said “Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile”. I believe he was correct. Our society today is the most selfish and narcissistic I’ve seen in my lifetime. Especially the younger folks. Absolutely agree with the personal responsibility parts of your article. Not so much the rest.
I think people have been complaining about ” the younger folks” since…forever. I’m optimistic about future generations. My own 3 kids, (now adults) are not selfish and narcissistic. I suspect it’s always other people’s kids.
Interesting article Marla. Thanks for sharing.
A few years before I retired, I had a conversation with someone about my retirement. He asked, “What will you do after breakfast every day?” That was a great question.
Like many high achievers, I did not want a life of total leisure. I love golf, but do not want to do it every day. I love to travel, but not all the time. I wanted to have meaningful purpose in my life. For me, that would be giving back by volunteering with my church, serving on the board of 2 retiree associations (one has 50k members), and other useful pursuits.
I am blessed not to need more income and swore not to work for a paycheck again. I turned down a lucrative consulting engagement shortly after retirement because I knew how seductive that can be.
Finding the right retirement pursuits can be tricky. I have had to adjust a couple of times due to management and organizational changes. Twelve years after retirement, I am now 78 and still not ready for a life of leisure. I hope that I never am.
Yes I agree. I would continue my work even if they didn’t pay me (but don’t tell my boss!) because it is so meaningful. We also enjoy volunteering. I have no desire to be on a permanent vacation ever!