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IN THE SOUTH, it’s common for a restaurant server or store clerk to refer to me as “sweetie” or “honey.” I’ll often respond by asking, “How did you know my name is Sweetie?”
This will usually bring a smile to the face of even a harried worker. Our friendly banter is the worker practicing some of the charm and hospitality that the South is famous for, and me returning the courtesy with “reverse hospitality.”
A commercial transaction doesn’t involve just money. Two people are face to face, one looking to serve and the other to be served. There are exceptions, sometimes notable, but most of the time the servers are polite and friendly. They do their best to provide what I want to buy and give me a smile while doing it. I think I have a responsibility to return the favor.
Telephone transactions are a little more challenging, but I still try to make it personal with a friendly comment or question like “how’s the weather where you are?” or “do I hear chickens in the backyard?”
Am I always patient and diplomatic? No. Sometimes, I’m preoccupied with my own thoughts and needs. I view the person in front of me or on the phone as an obstacle between me and what I want, and I can be brusque. My wife can attest to that. I know, however, that I should give the other person the same courtesy and respect that I want to receive.
What does reverse hospitality get me? I can’t say for certain that it puts more money in my pocket. But I also can’t claim that I’m being purely altruistic. If I do plan to ask for a better deal or special service, I’d rather ask it of a new friend. Maybe I can charm that friend into seeing things my way.
Still, the real value that I take home is the knowledge that I may have done something to brighten the day of an overworked, underpaid and often underappreciated fellow human. And it didn’t cost me a cent.
Excellent reminder, Edmund. And when you engage in some friendly banter with that telephone rep, you can on occasion learn something. Once I was on the phone with a tech support guy and I asked where he was located. He told me Nicaragua, and went on to explain that there was a whole tech support industry there. I’d had no idea.
You are right, Andrew. My wife and I both like a chatty telephone rep.
While it’s now been more than a decade ago, I faced a major confrontation in which I was forced to admit that I was being selective in to whom I showed love and kindness. It took me a while longer to realize that even people like cashiers or now, self-checking supervisors, are as happy to receive love and kindness as anyone else!
But how do I show love and kindness to people who would use that to manipulate me? I’m still wrestling with that. I have tentatively decided that for someone making unsolicited appeals, whether door to door or on the phone, my best response might be to end the transaction as quickly as possible so that they can focus their energy somewhere more rewarding.
What do you think?
I don’t answer the phone unless my phone recognizes the number – if it’s important the caller can leave a message. I always say “no” to unknowns on the doorstep. Except one time it was an Edward Jones rep and I read him a lecture about finding a job in a less predatory section of the industry. (Honestly, who would take financial advice from an unknown going door to door!!)
I face the same conundrum with direct appeals for charity. I pray for discernment and hope I make a good decision.
I don’t have a wise answer for direct sales, but it’s good to remember that it is a form of advertising. As with all ads, I try to look for the manipulation that surrounds the message. But I can be a soft touch sometimes.
I admit to not being as kind on the phone during the season of Medicare open enrollment as I strive to be at restaurants. It is difficult on some calls to find a break in their script to advise them I prefer my traditional Medicare plan over any Medicare Advantage.
Yes, some telephone calls challenge me, too.
I do this, too. It may be because one of my daughters is a restaurant server, but I feel a lot of compassion for people who work in the service industry and try to be as polite and friendly as I can. As you said, it may help get you better service, but in any case, it might brighten someone’s day.
I feel the same. The servers are the real “sweeties “.
Even if it gets you NO special treatment, it will make you feel good to do it, to be a kind, considerate person.
Yes, and that alone is worth the effort.
Thank you for your article. I have found that most customer service reps are so harried that this “reverse hospitality”, patience, kindness makes them want to work harder to solve my issue/problem/question for me. They get to take a break from being yelled at for most of their day and talk with a reasonable, courteous person. It has worked wonders for us over the years.
I agree, and I recently read of some research that tended to support our opinions.
Thanks for the timeless reminder. My wife is the best at this. She spent many years in the healthcare industry, taking care of patients and their families. She inherently knew they should be treated with concern and respect, and went out of here way to help people in their scariest moments. She does the same thing when she is the consumer, and it makes a difference.
I’ve had a number of challenges dealing with customer service employees the past few months as I transition to Medicare. Most of the the folks I spoke with were well-trained and polite. They tried to help when they could. The most frustrating part was when they didn’t have any real insight into the programs they were explaining, and just read form the plan documents. Gone are the days where a company had an in-house expert who knew the benefit plans inside and out.
I must say the representatives at the SSA were very well trained and helped me – once I got in the office.
IN every case, being polite and patient worked wonders. The people I dealt with weren’t responsible for developing massive, complex bureaucracies, or obscure rules. They did their best and helped when they could.
I’ve felt that frustration before. At those times, it’s easier to preach patience that to practice it.
Most people would if they could, but they can’t.