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WHEN MY HUSBAND and I moved into a continuing care retirement community, we were both in our late 70s, healthy, active, and living independently. We had been considering such a move for several years. Still, friends sometimes wondered why we would move before we needed care.
That was precisely the point.
We wanted to decide while the choice was ours—while we had the energy to explore alternatives, review the finances, and talk honestly about what each of us wanted. We couldn’t predict every detail, but we could take more control of the future.
Where we live as we grow older is one of the largest financial decisions many of us will make. Yet it is rarely just about money. Housing, health care, family relationships, community, independence, and personal values are all part of the decision.
Too often, people wait until circumstances have narrowed their choices.
More Than a Housing Decision
Later-life planning is often framed as a simple question: Will I remain in my home or move somewhere else?
The broader question is: How do I want to live, where will support come from if I need it, and how will I pay for that life?
Remaining at home may seem the least expensive and most comfortable choice. But the analysis should include more than the mortgage payment—or lack of one. Maintenance, property taxes, insurance, transportation, home modifications, and paid help can all become significant.
Staying home may also place responsibilities on family members. Who will coordinate repairs, arrange transportation, manage medications, or respond when help is needed? Family care may be given with love, but it still requires time, travel, emotional energy and difficult trade-offs.
Moving to a retirement community likewise involves more than comparing an entrance fee or monthly charge with the cost of staying home. What services and future care are included? Will the move provide transportation, meals, fitness programs, social opportunities or easier access to health care? What protections—or risks—come with the contract?
Two choices with similar dollar costs may place very different demands on those involved. Family responsibility belongs in the financial analysis.
The Plan Must Work for One
Couples often plan as though both spouses will remain healthy and able to help each other indefinitely. Eventually, however, one may become the caregiver—and the other may become the survivor.
Having been widowed before remarrying years later, I understood this firsthand. A plan that works beautifully for two may be unmanageable for one.
Could either spouse maintain the home alone? Would the survivor be comfortable driving, overseeing repairs, and managing hired caregivers? Is there enough income and savings? Would either feel isolated without the other?
These aren’t pleasant questions, but they are loving ones. Asking them does not mean expecting the worst. It means creating a plan that respects both partners.
They are especially important for widowed people and solo agers. Without a spouse or nearby relative, who will notice when more help is needed? Who has permission to step in? Who understands the person’s wishes and knows where important documents are kept?
Looking Beyond Two Choices
Aging in place and moving to a continuing care retirement community aren’t the only options.
You might remain in your current home with modifications and outside support. You could move to a smaller home, condominium, rental apartment, or 55-plus community. A continuing care or Life Plan community combines independent living with access to additional care. If more support is already needed, assisted living, memory care, or skilled nursing may be appropriate.
Each option offers a different combination of cost, care, community, family involvement, and personal control. None is automatically right or wrong.
Moving to Oak Hammock at the University of Florida was right for us. We valued its university connection, lifelong learning and wellness programs, and the possibility of receiving additional care without another major move. But I would never suggest that everyone make the same choice.
The goal is to understand the alternatives and select the one that best fits your circumstances and values.
Three Questions to Begin
You don’t need to settle every detail in the first conversation. Start with three questions.
What do I want daily life to look like?
Think beyond the residence. Consider relationships, activities, transportation, health care, spiritual life, pets, privacy, and opportunities for connection. What makes a place feel like home to you?
Who will provide help if I need it?
Be realistic. Adult children may live far away, have demanding careers, or be caring for others. A spouse may have health limitations. Friends can be wonderfully supportive but unable to provide ongoing care. If professional help may be needed, investigate its availability and likely cost.
What will each choice require financially?
Compare the full costs and benefits, not just the most visible price. Consider home equity, entrance and monthly fees, maintenance, transportation, modifications, paid caregiving and future health-related expenses—along with the unpaid time and responsibility that may fall to family.
These questions lead naturally to others. Who should hold financial and health care powers of attorney? Are estate documents current? Where are account records and passwords kept? What if the preferred choice is no longer workable?
Choosing Before Choices Narrow
Planning cannot guarantee that life will follow the script. Health needs, family circumstances, communities and financial markets all change.
But planning can preserve choices.
It gives us time to gather information, tour communities, talk with family, and consult financial, legal, and health care professionals. It also lets us express our preferences while we can speak clearly for ourselves.
Most important, it changes the question from “What are we going to do now?” to “What kind of future are we trying to create?”
That is why I developed Planning Ahead: Staying in Control of Later-Life Housing, Care, and Support Decisions, a complimentary 12-page eBooklet for individuals, couples, widowed people, solo agers, families, and the professionals who guide them. Its Housing, Care, and Support Chart, conversation prompts, and questions can help readers identify their next steps. It is available at https://www.kathleenrehl.com/articles/planning-ahead.
The guide will not make the decision for anyone.
Its purpose is to help people start the conversation—before someone else must begin it for them.
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I read this piece when it first posted last week but am coming back to it because we’re living some of it in real time. My husband’s widowed stepfather is 84, frail, and has ongoing health issues. For example, he’s about to undergo his third shoulder surgery since February because the first two failed (hardware problems). He lives alone in Southern California, 400 miles from us, and even further from his only child, who lives with his family in Virginia.
It’s been clear for a while that he shouldn’t be living by himself, and (incomprehensibly) he also decided a few months ago, while still recuperating from round 1 of shoulder surgery, that it was a great time to adopt a puppy(!).
We’re having conversations with him and about him that he needs help, whether it’s caregivers in his SoCal home or moving to our town or to Virginia. We’re not quite at the “someone else will decide” stage with him, but it’s getting very close. It’s a volatile situation. The hard part, of course, is that he’s still an independent adult and we can’t just decide for him (yet).
What a difficult and unsettling situation for all of you. You’ve described one of the hardest parts of planning ahead: family members can clearly see that living alone is becoming unsafe, yet the older adult is still entitled to make his own choices—even choices that others find baffling, like adopting a puppy while recovering from surgery.
Your words, “we’re living some of it in real time” really struck me. This is precisely the narrow window when candid conversations and acceptable choices may still be possible, before a medical crisis forces the decision. I hope his upcoming surgery goes well and that your family can help him accept some form of support, whether in his home or closer to one of you, while he can still have a meaningful voice in what happens next. Thank you for sharing such a vivid, honest example of why these conversations matter.
The puppy may be a huge positive in your step father in law’s life. Try not to make it a part of his other issues. My husband is 84 and I’m 83; two years ago, after the death of our 13 year old dog, our kids encouraged us to adopt another. It was the right call—especially for my husband. The dog forces real structure in his life, and is a source of constant entertainment for both of us.
As I wrote below, I recently checked into elder care options near my daughter. – just to see what was possible. Most of the places I’d seriously consider would accept a dog or cat. I know most of the places
in Madison also do: in fact they’re featured on the websites. Even if FIL remains at home, there are options. From what you’ve written before, he seems to have financial resources. Dog walkers are readily available. They’re not cheap, but they allowed my 90+ year old neighbor remain at home with her Samoyed.
I do understand you’re facing major issues withFIL. But I wouldn’t let the puppy complicate things— it can be accommodated.
He loves dogs, and in some ways, I think it is good for him. But he can barely use either arm because of his shoulder issues, and it’s hard for him to manage even a small (and energetic) dog without help. Right now he doesn’t have any help, so it does feel like yet another problem we may have to solve in due course. But just to put your mind at ease, no one is planning to try to take the pup away from him.
I will move one more time. This is a great article, but for me the financial considerations are still significant. As I age, it is less about the income, sales and real estate taxes, and a lot more about the estate taxes. That will be the big one – larger than years’ worth of the other taxes. My current state (MD) has both estate and inheritance taxes, and the “grab” is growing to cover state overspending elsewhere. I want my kids to get what I have, not a rapacious and inefficient state government.
Try NH if you can tolerate the winter weather (HINT: It’s getting warmer) as we have neither tax, nor income. The highest tax is local property.
Martin, you raise an important point. The financial implications of a later-life move can vary greatly by state and by family circumstances—and estate and inheritance taxes may outweigh the more immediate tax differences. Your comment is a good reminder that “Where should I live next?” is both a lifestyle decision and an estate-planning decision. I hope your next move gives you the setting you want and helps you preserve more of what you have built for your children.
Thank you so much Kathleen. I plan to use your booklet. This is why I read HD
Nick, thank you—your comment means a great deal to me. I’m so glad you plan to use the booklet. Helping people begin these conversations before a crisis is exactly why I created it. And I agree: thoughtful exchanges and useful ideas like those shared here are what make HumbleDollar so valuable.
Thank you for adding to the conversation on this topic. As I’ve written here before, I chose to move to a CCRC and after nearly three years I am still very happy with my choice. I lived alone and my house would have needed modifications to make it suitable for aging in place, plus a car was essential. I was glad to stop worrying about maintenance, and to stop cooking all my meals. I am more active and more social since I moved, both recommended for healthy aging.
The wait list at my CCRC consisted of 1,500 households back in the spring, and I routinely see prospective residents being shown round. I recommend signing up in your mid-60s in my area. I also recommend moving early enough to enjoy life in Independent Living, and make friends with fellow residents. I expect it to make a transfer to Assisted Living smoother and less traumatic.
Thank you for sharing your experience. You beautifully illustrate why planning early matters. Moving while you can fully enjoy independent living, build friendships, and become part of the community can make the transition a positive choice rather than a response to a crisis. And those long wait lists are an important reminder that exploring options—and even joining a list—often needs to begin well before a move feels necessary. I’m delighted that your decision has brought you greater activity, connection, and peace of mind.
For me is the time to make the decision is before you really want to go or have to go. Both my parents went in to separate places (divorced) early. What I saw was they both fine for a long time then suddenly their health changed drastically. If they had not already been in an assisted living facility it would have been a nightmare for them and the children.
Yes—before you truly need to move is often the best time to make the decision. Your parents’ experiences show how quickly circumstances can change, even after a long period of doing well. Because they were already settled in places that could support them, a sudden health decline did not become an emergency move for them or a crisis for the family. Thank you for sharing such a meaningful example.
Thanks for contributing again Kathleen. I appreciate all your articles and always learn something and this one is no exception. My wife and I are on 4 CCRC wait lists in our area to keep our options open and those lists keep growing. We joined those wait lists 2 years ago when we were 68 and 65 and based on the independent living accommodation we selected our wait time could be 7-12 years. We haven’t made a final decision to commit to a CCRC but joining the waitlists keeps our options open. We started our research with a wonderful OLLI course in our area called Stay Put or Move On which is split between Age in Place lectures and CCRC info and visits which highlighted several of your questions and the info in your booklet. I totally agree planning can preserve choices. We are trying to preserve ours as our parents’ and grandparents’ choices narrowed to difficult ones with challenging family interventions and support in some cases and loneliness at the end of life in others.
My parents resisted going to assisted living until we children finally insisted. Unfortunately by that time my mother had Alzheimer’s for about five years, and after moving into the facility my father started experiencing communication issues (possibly Lewy Body dementia). They were only there for a couple of years before both went to a nursing home.
The stress of my father taking care of my mother resulted in his declining health (he refused in house assistance) and he passed away a few months before my mother. Also their admission to the assisted living facility was so late that they never connected with other residents.
This is why we are investigating CCRCs when we turn 70 hoping that we can stay in our house for another 8-10 years due to our excellent health.
We don’t want our children to go through what we did. Lesson learned the hard way.
Thank you for sharing your experience. A possible 7-to-12-year wait certainly underscores why it can be wise to explore options early. As you said, joining a wait list is not a final commitment—it preserves a choice.
The OLLI course sounds excellent, especially because it presented both aging in place and CCRC options. Your family experiences also bring home the real purpose of planning ahead: not to predict exactly what will happen, but to reduce the chance that narrowing choices, loneliness, or a crisis will force difficult decisions later. You and your wife are approaching these issues very thoughtfully.
Excellent booklet Kathleen. The chart for comparing alternatives is excellent. Thanks for sharing.
I appreciate your comments.
Thank you for a thoughtful post (& e-booklet!) about a daunting decision.
Thank you! I’m glad you found both helpful. I hope that the e-Booklet makes this daunting decision feel a little more manageable—one conversation and one step at a time.
Great post Kathleen. I’d just add, while thinking about what you really want, try to have options. We’re under 65 and thriving but are also on two CCRC wait lists and have been for a few years. We may not go to either when the time comes hopefully several years from now, but meanwhile we’re moving up the wait lists so we can go.
That’s an excellent addition. Getting on wait lists early creates options, not obligations. When the time comes, you can still decide that neither community is right for you—but you won’t have closed those doors by waiting too long. You’re planning ahead while continuing to thrive right where you are.
Kathleen, thank you for posting this information on this forum. It is very comprehensive.
Have you explored options for those retiring abroad with respect to end of life care? There seem to be cost advantages, especially for those without LTC in place, and of course many disadvantages, such as being away from the family.
Thank you. I haven’t explored retiring abroad for end-of-life care in depth, but it’s certainly an option worth considering. A friend of mine did look into long-term care in Costa Rica. She wasn’t especially close to her family, so distance would not have been a major concern for her. She still thinks about this possibility, but I doubt she will move.
The potential cost savings can be attractive, particularly for someone without long-term care insurance. But one must carefully consider access to care, language, legal and residency issues, the availability of trusted support, and the potential need to return to the United States later.
I’m a hard core age at home— at least for the present. But the possibility of something in between the seemingly extremes of stay home vs a CCRC interested me, so I was inspired to do some online exploring (it’s also raining outside.). My husband and I will need to relocate closer to one of our kids—so I checked what is available near our daughter.
There are possibilities that seem pretty good fits for us. A for profit operation with 2 bedroom assisted living apartments that would allow us to keep our dog and that hasan indoor swimming pool seemed especially promising. The monthly fees are high, but, if one us us needs that kind of help, our LTC insurance would pay for that person and our pensions and SS would easily cover the other. There also is no huge upfront payment, so our house with its enormous capital gains wouldn’t have to be sold. Looks like a possibility.
Not to say, I rushing to do this!! I also looked at flights to Greece for next April this afternoon. But I may show the site to my daughter and indicate she should keep it in mind if there’s a need. I’m still hoping for fast exits for both of us.
Marilyn, I love that a rainy afternoon led you to explore both later-life living options and flights to Greece!
You’ve captured exactly what I hoped readers might take away: planning ahead doesn’t mean deciding—or moving—today. It means discovering what possibilities exist between staying home and entering a CCRC, and considering how they might work financially and practically. Finding a place that could accommodate both of you—and your dog—without a large upfront payment sounds well worth keeping on the radar.
Showing the information to your daughter is also a gift. She’ll know what might appeal to you if circumstances change. Many of us hope for a fast exit, but having a Plan B can provide peace of mind. In the meantime, Greece sounds like an excellent Plan A!
Thanks for the suggestions! They’re exactly the kinds of things I love to do. Seems like my efforts yesterday put me on the path to some good outcomes.
i meant this as a reply to David below, but learning about some different care
options is also good.
We spent two weeks in Greece a couple of years ago. I highly recommend seeing the Peloponnese peninsula which contains Nafplion/Naflio (towns are often spelled several ways) which was the original capital of Greece and nearby Mycenae, as well as Olympia which obviously is the origin of the Olympics, and a great little town.
For an island we visited Idra/Hydra which is a small island with no vehicles a couple of hours by high speed ferry from Athens transportation which is really not necessary as it is a very walkable island is only donkeys. We found out about via Rick Steeves as it is his favorite Greek island.
I browsed it quickly but it looks great, and what people need to consider in retirement living. Thank you for sharing this Kathleen.
Thank you! I’m glad you found it helpful. My hope is that it encourages people to think through their retirement-living options—and begin those important conversations—before a decision becomes urgent.
And Jerry, thank you for posting “The Letter.”
Some valuable challenges and something we all should be considering and/or forcing our loved ones to confront.
It’s a reality of life that everyone who doesn’t go out in a tragic parachuting accident etc has to go through some diminution in the final act. And also that sandwich generations are often left dealing with navigation of care and wishes for parents when preparing for or even in retirement themselves and/or still being present for their own children.
I suspect there is still a lot to be done re communication between generations and expectations or otherwise. It’s all very well for an aged parent to say “I don’t expect you to look after me” but that ignores whether moving to live in a granny annex might be the most viable option for the individual. Equally moving to be near an adult child can result in isolation from old networks and not much more benefit in hands on care.
Anyway who is or anticipates being single needs to be particularly conscious of the options and permutations and plan for appropriate safeguards. For myself although it is hopefully decades away I’ve already identified the fallback accommodation to hope to move to when I can no longer cope in my house. That’s physical decline. Mental is something else that I can’t really plan for because it largely depends what the provision of memory care facilities is when I might need them.
You’ve put your finger on an important distinction: saying “I don’t expect you to look after me” is a loving intention, but it isn’t a workable plan by itself. Families need honest conversations about what adult children can realistically provide, especially when they already have responsibilities to their own children. You also make an excellent point about the possible isolation that comes with leaving established relationships to move closer to family.
Identifying your fallback housing now is wise. I agree that cognitive decline is harder to plan for; it requires trusted people and safeguards as much as possible.
You’ve done an excellent job compiling the booklet. Thank you for providing the framework for retirees to plan their future.
Thank you, Mark. I’m so glad you found the booklet useful. I wanted it to offer a framework for beginning the conversation—not another intimidating list of decisions people feel they must make all at once. If you use it yourself or share it with others, I’d love to hear which question or section proves most helpful.
Excellent discussion, but all those decisions are hard. We left our house and moved into a 55 plus condo community, but that does not solve all the issues. Especially with one partner left. It all worries me.
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Thank you. You’re absolutely right: moving to a 55-plus community may simplify housing, but it doesn’t necessarily answer the care and support questions—especially when only one partner remains. Having been widowed before, I understand why that possibility weighs heavily. One question my husband and I kept asking was, “Would this plan still work for either one of us alone?” We can’t remove every uncertainty, but talking about it can help.
I am beginning to think we have left it too late.
I am 86 and my wife is 81. Until last year we were both healthy and active and were planning to age in place. Recently my health has quickly deteriorated so my future of living independently is totally unrealistic. In NJ the CCRC’s have multi- year wait lists so that won’t work for us. I would appreciate what other alternatives readers might suggest ?
Anthony, I’m sorry your health changed so quickly. A sudden change like this is exactly what makes these decisions so difficult.
Although a CCRC may no longer be practical because of the waiting lists, you may still have other workable options.
Depending on the support you now need, possibilities could include a rental senior community offering multiple levels of care, a standalone assisted living community, or paid support in your current home—perhaps as a bridge while you explore longer-term arrangements.
I would begin with an assessment of your current needs and some knowledgeable local help. New Jersey’s county Area Agency on Aging can connect older adults and families with case management, in-home support, and other local services. An Aging Life Care Professional may also help you and your wife evaluate appropriate options and identify communities with current availability.
I hope other New Jersey readers will share their experiences and specific suggestions. Wishing you and your wife clarity and good support as you consider your next steps.