I was estranged from my mother for the last 25 years of her life. My decision was made to protect my son and husband from further, escalating abuse. I know my decision was the healthiest thing for my family. Every familial estrangement is personal. Consider another view. My decision was done with the understanding that I would experience regret and emotional pain. My children grew up without an extended family because of my decision. I was never able to resolve the abuse I grew up with. I watched my sister suffer and become a broken woman because she was unable to get out from under my mother's grasp. I have had to sift thru and establish extremely difficult boundaries to maintain the protection my immediate family deserved. I have lived the rest of my life knowing that my extended family was extremely critical of me for not meeting my "obligations" to my mother. My mother left me out of her will. I didn't expect anything different. The value of her estate was not significant. But I can tell you this, all the money in the world would not have bought me any more peace of mind. And it probably would have been a constant reminder of the damage she did to me and mine.
I understand and strongly support the intent of statements along the line of “not contributing to the purchase of bronze doors”. I believe that God expects good efforts at responsible stewardship from each of us and I give to assist in relieving the suffering of my fellow man. Likewise, can you imagine how much poorer our world would be if the religious institutions of all varieties had not utilized the God given talents of the artists and tradespeople who created religious monuments. From the cathedrals and monasteries of Europe, temples in Asia, labyrinths in the southwest, prayer houses and youth camps throughout the US - we benefit. They hold treasures above and beyond the “gold” they cost to create. As with all things, balance
Ahhh - to travel!
When my daughter was in her early teens I decided that being able to navigate mass transit would prepare her to do pretty much anything. So off we went, starting in the US and then to Europe. Since our early travels, she has ventured to Asia and Australia/New Zealand on her own and now with her husband.
We are history and art fans, so our trips tend to focus on museums and historical locations. Great Britain and Northern Europe are favorite places. After several trips with my adventurous daughter, I finally convinced my husband to travel with me.
Visiting the Netherlands seemed to be a good entry point and I suggest it often to people making their first trip abroad. English is spoken everywhere - in fact, signage at Schiphol airport is in English with Dutch below. Amsterdam had so much to do we could have stopped there. But visiting other cities throughout the country was a breeze. Travel throughout the Netherlands and to additional countries via train or air could not be easier.
We have a 1989 Toyota 4Runner, standard transmission, 4 wheel drive. My husband's pride and joy that he uses to "bomb around town". We have 2018 Rav4 as well. He purchased it used when we were urgently house hunting in a ridiculous housing market in 1999. After listening to him beg for a couple of days, I threw up my hands and said sure, it's not like we need the money and we could probably sleep in it if we can't find a house before school starts. We have actually had people stop us on the street to ask if we are interested in selling. We immediately found a wonderful mechanic (Greg) and have loyally taken the 4Runner and multiple other vehicles to him. But alas, he is not a magician and we have finally had to resort to non-Toyota replacement parts. Greg recently hired a new receptionist. Last call to make an appointment for an oil change she informed us he doesn't work on vehicles that old. My shocked husband explained that Greg had been working on our vehicles for 25 years. She quickly told him that we would be "grandfathered" in. Whew! We (Greg, husband and I) have discussed that it might be time to sell the 4Runner. My husband's response was to buy a 3rd (used) car. How to decide when it is worth it to fix a car - when the car no longer brings pleasure to the primary driver, or when your husband doesn't look like he might cry.
My husband and I entered the lottery for tickets when the show was coming to Denver last spring. And had our kids enter the lottery as well. We were very disappointed when we did not get tickets. However, a friend felt unable to stand in the sun for any length of time, so she and passed hers on to us. We were so tickled! All participants were required to bring 2 items (and only 2) for the experts to evaluate. We had time stamped tickets for 3:30pm. Even though we were late in what must have been a very long day, each attendee and their treasures was seen by the experts. These experts and the show staff were all so kind and friendly. Truly interested in each and every person attending. I had my picture taken with Nico Lowry and Kevin Zavian. The treasures everyone brought and the stories we heard from other participants were great. My husband and I had the Best time, and talked about it to everyone for weeks after. Not excessively, I hope. I still can't believe how much fun we had.
A number of years ago the company I worked for had a client that was a Women's Health Clinic. They received a grant from the Gates Foundation to provide free IUDs to women.
The impact on the entire community was significant. Unwanted pregnancy in the community decreased. As a result, the number of women using the WIC program (Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children) decreased so dramatically it came to the attention of the US Dept. of Agriculture.I continue to support the Clinic's good work to this day.
Like HS - we thought long and hard after the Marshall fire. My retired Insurance Claims Manager husband began reviewing our insurance coverage and options to make sure we are up to date on our coverage. Lo and behold, getting appropriate coverage was not even a possibility. The recent correction the market made in housing values was not recognized by the insurance companies. So a home previously valued at $500,000. is now worth $700,000. and all insurance companies were unwilling to insure for more than $400,000. Now, my husband, the insurance guy, took care of this. (I let the professional deal with it.) And I don't presume to understand all the details. But we paid extra for coverage to make sure that in case of a catastrophe we would financially be in the same place as before the event.
My uncle visited with his C-PAP machine many years ago. He told me that his Dr. diagnosed sleep apnea and explained that it was a life threatening issue. Uncle laughed and said that he had never seen sleep apnea as a cause of death in an obituary. Dr. responded - they refer to it as "he died peacefully in his sleep". I followed Uncle's example and had a sleep study. Have now been using a C-PAP for over 15 years. Not easy at first, but now we go everywhere together. I have explained to my grandchildren that it is my "snuffleupagus" machine to assure them it is truly a good thing.
Our son purchased a modest house in 2007 using a small inheritance from his grandfather as down payment. This allowed him to avoid the mortgage insurance cost - did you have mortgage insurance on your first house? My brief google indicates that it was introduced in the 70's. Not a necessity, a requirement. In 2007 our daughter had the same inheritance. Then 2008. Necessity? Our son's home recently required massive repair work - sewer destroyed by roots, etc. In the process it was determined that he will also need expensive remediation for radon gas. Did we even know about radon gas and the health issues that exposure caused back in the 60's and 70's? So is this a necessity . . . or a requirement? His youngest just turned 16. When I turned 15.5 I took Driver's Ed as an elective in my public high school. At 16 I took a test and started driving the family car whenever I could get the keys. Not so today. We have learned so much about how young minds work and how to protect ourselves while on the road, etc. State laws have multiplied to respond to this knowledge and the cost of complying with those laws is huge. It will cost him thousands of $s to get yet another child in the driver's seat. One more small step to responsibly launching a human into the world. Necessity or requirement? If only he had two incomes, but he is a single father of two now. Single fathers were not very common when we were starting out. Necessity. The world has changed. But one thing that hasn't changed is that there are still people who work hard, and do the best they can.
My condolences on the death of your mother in law. May her memory be a blessing to you and your family.
Your post is so valuable, I will be adding "final arrangements" to my list.
Thank you
Comments
I was estranged from my mother for the last 25 years of her life. My decision was made to protect my son and husband from further, escalating abuse. I know my decision was the healthiest thing for my family. Every familial estrangement is personal. Consider another view. My decision was done with the understanding that I would experience regret and emotional pain. My children grew up without an extended family because of my decision. I was never able to resolve the abuse I grew up with. I watched my sister suffer and become a broken woman because she was unable to get out from under my mother's grasp. I have had to sift thru and establish extremely difficult boundaries to maintain the protection my immediate family deserved. I have lived the rest of my life knowing that my extended family was extremely critical of me for not meeting my "obligations" to my mother. My mother left me out of her will. I didn't expect anything different. The value of her estate was not significant. But I can tell you this, all the money in the world would not have bought me any more peace of mind. And it probably would have been a constant reminder of the damage she did to me and mine.
Post: Estrangement & Estates
Link to comment from July 12, 2025
I understand and strongly support the intent of statements along the line of “not contributing to the purchase of bronze doors”. I believe that God expects good efforts at responsible stewardship from each of us and I give to assist in relieving the suffering of my fellow man. Likewise, can you imagine how much poorer our world would be if the religious institutions of all varieties had not utilized the God given talents of the artists and tradespeople who created religious monuments. From the cathedrals and monasteries of Europe, temples in Asia, labyrinths in the southwest, prayer houses and youth camps throughout the US - we benefit. They hold treasures above and beyond the “gold” they cost to create. As with all things, balance
Post: Saving and Giving
Link to comment from June 24, 2025
Ahhh - to travel! When my daughter was in her early teens I decided that being able to navigate mass transit would prepare her to do pretty much anything. So off we went, starting in the US and then to Europe. Since our early travels, she has ventured to Asia and Australia/New Zealand on her own and now with her husband. We are history and art fans, so our trips tend to focus on museums and historical locations. Great Britain and Northern Europe are favorite places. After several trips with my adventurous daughter, I finally convinced my husband to travel with me. Visiting the Netherlands seemed to be a good entry point and I suggest it often to people making their first trip abroad. English is spoken everywhere - in fact, signage at Schiphol airport is in English with Dutch below. Amsterdam had so much to do we could have stopped there. But visiting other cities throughout the country was a breeze. Travel throughout the Netherlands and to additional countries via train or air could not be easier.
Post: Trips in your “go go” years?
Link to comment from June 11, 2025
We have a 1989 Toyota 4Runner, standard transmission, 4 wheel drive. My husband's pride and joy that he uses to "bomb around town". We have 2018 Rav4 as well. He purchased it used when we were urgently house hunting in a ridiculous housing market in 1999. After listening to him beg for a couple of days, I threw up my hands and said sure, it's not like we need the money and we could probably sleep in it if we can't find a house before school starts. We have actually had people stop us on the street to ask if we are interested in selling. We immediately found a wonderful mechanic (Greg) and have loyally taken the 4Runner and multiple other vehicles to him. But alas, he is not a magician and we have finally had to resort to non-Toyota replacement parts. Greg recently hired a new receptionist. Last call to make an appointment for an oil change she informed us he doesn't work on vehicles that old. My shocked husband explained that Greg had been working on our vehicles for 25 years. She quickly told him that we would be "grandfathered" in. Whew! We (Greg, husband and I) have discussed that it might be time to sell the 4Runner. My husband's response was to buy a 3rd (used) car. How to decide when it is worth it to fix a car - when the car no longer brings pleasure to the primary driver, or when your husband doesn't look like he might cry.
Post: How have you decided when it’s worth it to fix an old car?
Link to comment from May 25, 2025
My husband and I entered the lottery for tickets when the show was coming to Denver last spring. And had our kids enter the lottery as well. We were very disappointed when we did not get tickets. However, a friend felt unable to stand in the sun for any length of time, so she and passed hers on to us. We were so tickled! All participants were required to bring 2 items (and only 2) for the experts to evaluate. We had time stamped tickets for 3:30pm. Even though we were late in what must have been a very long day, each attendee and their treasures was seen by the experts. These experts and the show staff were all so kind and friendly. Truly interested in each and every person attending. I had my picture taken with Nico Lowry and Kevin Zavian. The treasures everyone brought and the stories we heard from other participants were great. My husband and I had the Best time, and talked about it to everyone for weeks after. Not excessively, I hope. I still can't believe how much fun we had.
Post: Backstage at Antiques Roadshow
Link to comment from May 6, 2025
A number of years ago the company I worked for had a client that was a Women's Health Clinic. They received a grant from the Gates Foundation to provide free IUDs to women. The impact on the entire community was significant. Unwanted pregnancy in the community decreased. As a result, the number of women using the WIC program (Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children) decreased so dramatically it came to the attention of the US Dept. of Agriculture. I continue to support the Clinic's good work to this day.
Post: Does Charitable Giving Make Things Better?
Link to comment from January 28, 2025
Like HS - we thought long and hard after the Marshall fire. My retired Insurance Claims Manager husband began reviewing our insurance coverage and options to make sure we are up to date on our coverage. Lo and behold, getting appropriate coverage was not even a possibility. The recent correction the market made in housing values was not recognized by the insurance companies. So a home previously valued at $500,000. is now worth $700,000. and all insurance companies were unwilling to insure for more than $400,000. Now, my husband, the insurance guy, took care of this. (I let the professional deal with it.) And I don't presume to understand all the details. But we paid extra for coverage to make sure that in case of a catastrophe we would financially be in the same place as before the event.
Post: Would You Rebuild?
Link to comment from January 12, 2025
My uncle visited with his C-PAP machine many years ago. He told me that his Dr. diagnosed sleep apnea and explained that it was a life threatening issue. Uncle laughed and said that he had never seen sleep apnea as a cause of death in an obituary. Dr. responded - they refer to it as "he died peacefully in his sleep". I followed Uncle's example and had a sleep study. Have now been using a C-PAP for over 15 years. Not easy at first, but now we go everywhere together. I have explained to my grandchildren that it is my "snuffleupagus" machine to assure them it is truly a good thing.
Post: Sleep Disorder
Link to comment from October 18, 2024
Our son purchased a modest house in 2007 using a small inheritance from his grandfather as down payment. This allowed him to avoid the mortgage insurance cost - did you have mortgage insurance on your first house? My brief google indicates that it was introduced in the 70's. Not a necessity, a requirement. In 2007 our daughter had the same inheritance. Then 2008. Necessity? Our son's home recently required massive repair work - sewer destroyed by roots, etc. In the process it was determined that he will also need expensive remediation for radon gas. Did we even know about radon gas and the health issues that exposure caused back in the 60's and 70's? So is this a necessity . . . or a requirement? His youngest just turned 16. When I turned 15.5 I took Driver's Ed as an elective in my public high school. At 16 I took a test and started driving the family car whenever I could get the keys. Not so today. We have learned so much about how young minds work and how to protect ourselves while on the road, etc. State laws have multiplied to respond to this knowledge and the cost of complying with those laws is huge. It will cost him thousands of $s to get yet another child in the driver's seat. One more small step to responsibly launching a human into the world. Necessity or requirement? If only he had two incomes, but he is a single father of two now. Single fathers were not very common when we were starting out. Necessity. The world has changed. But one thing that hasn't changed is that there are still people who work hard, and do the best they can.
Post: How did it all work for us? Why not now?
Link to comment from September 26, 2024
My condolences on the death of your mother in law. May her memory be a blessing to you and your family. Your post is so valuable, I will be adding "final arrangements" to my list. Thank you
Post: Final Arrangements: A Learning Curve
Link to comment from August 19, 2024