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Hello HD community. I need to vent a bit and hope that one or more of you can relate to my situation and provide some insights. As I posted on this site several weeks ago, I was terminated the day before my 59th birthday. After close to 40 years, I suddenly found myself without a job that often required long hours including 3 hours of commuting time. I was unhappy and unfulfilled in my role and considered quitting, but prudently held on until I was terminated and received a severance package. While I am relieved that I am no longer bound to my previous employer, I still find myself struggling with the transition. I followed the guidance of my peers and members of this site and took 6 weeks off to decompress before starting my job search on September 1st. While it is still early days, signs of ageism have already appeared in just about every conversation…being asked how long I plan to work or if I am truly ready to take a role with less responsibility and compensation than I previously had. Whether appropriate or not, these are reasonable questions which point out the uphill challenge I face in finding a new role. Here is where the need to vent comes in…friends and family continually ask me, how is retirement treating you? Often followed by you are so lucky and how they envy my position. I politely correct them by saying, I am not retired, I am just not working, and depending on my mood, I might add, getting fired is nothing to celebrate. My wife senses my frustration growing with this seemingly unending exchange as I encounter new people in different social circles. She has pointed out that my answers have become unnecessarily short and curt. Has anyone else faced this challenge?
I was forced from my occupation due to health reasons at 50, three years after a divorce that halved my net worth and resulted in a permanent spousal support order. Not working was not an option.
I’m a little worried for you, G, I’m hearing a tone that is different from that of your “fear of the unknown” post. The frustrating job interviews and the well meaning, yet insensitive questions and comments from friends are getting under your skin. I know that what I’m about to tell you is much easier said than done. Fixating on those and other things that piss you off might prevent you from getting to your happy place, not to mention affecting friendships and, God forbid, your 35 year happy marriage. Try to stay positive, and don’t be afraid to share your feelings with a counselor.
I’m pulling for you, brother!
Gary – I went through three periods of unemplyment during my professional career as an engineer, so I feel your pain.
I regularly meet with a group of seven friends. We are all similar, in our 60’s-70’s, and worked in technology. There are seven of us. Three (including me) retired on our own terms. Three of our group were terminated from their “real” jobs. Two managed to work part-time or temporary jobs for a while, but have come to grips that they are probably retired. The third is still looking, but is discouraged. The seventh is still working, but fears he may be terminated at any time. My point is that job availability for experienced workers is fraught.
Not knowing where you live or what you did for a living, suggestions are difficult. One thing to considere is the benefit of cutting the cost of a three hour per day commute – – – that has to be worth a lot to your bottom line. If I read your post correctly, and you only recently began your search, then you have to give it time. My mid-30’s son recently took four months to find a new job at basically the same compensation.
I liked Chris’ suggestion of contacting sales personnel that might be familiar with your work. When friends and/or family inquire about retirement, turn it around and ask them for assistance with your job search – who do they know or where do they work? Best of luck.
I can’t relate because it never happened to me, but I can only imagine. However, based on what you wrote I think you need to seek a new mindset.
Start thinking of yourself as retired. It happened, you can’t change it and you certainly have nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t fight it. Tell people you retired.
If you want to work or even financially must work, approach your quest as being retired, but looking for something to do, to contribute.
You “retired” at 59, so what. Now find something you really want to do after you have removed the pressure on yourself.
Gnussen623, My spouse can relate to you. She needed to end her career as a school teacher, when her widowed mother died, in order to have the time to manage the settlement of the estate. Her parents left a mess (financial complexity and mysteries, dysfunctional psychological state of siblings and another involved person, house of a hoarder) that she needed to sort out. It was a full-time job. 4+ years later she is still working on it, but at least in the past year or so it is part time.
Related to you, she also has to endure “how is retirement going, what are you up to?” “enjoying retirement?”. She would FAR rather be working with children than what she has gone though. She can say nothing, or only a vague “well, I have been working on my parent’s estate”. Even her good friends don’t want to, and couldn’t, listen to all the problems she is dealing with.
My token advice: don’t expect them to understand. Just do what you need to do, and keep moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other. Thank your wife for her understanding and support.
Regarding “if I am truly ready to take a role with less responsibility and compensation than I previously had”, could a good response be “I am truly ready to take a role with more responsibility and compensation than I currently have.“?
Best wishes. Keep talking to those you can about this.
Thank you. I do not envy your wife’s situation at all. I hope she is able to work through the challenges and move forward. We are in the process of cleaning out my MIL’s house after 71 years. Not easy at all.
I read your post earlier and really felt for you. It sounds like you feel you still have much to offer. I thought of something I wanted to suggest as you are looking. I am not sure what field you are in, but if you are in a career that has strong sales presence, reach out to the sales people you know for any openings they hear about. My spouse did this at age 55 and had 2 strong offers when they talked to the right sales person who was well connected. Keep talking to us. Chris
Thanks Chris. Congratulations to your spouse on landing a new role. I greatly appreciate the wisdom and support of this community! FYI. I worked in Asset & Wealth Management and live in northern NJ. I am trying to avoid a role that requires frequent travel into NYC which is very limiting in terms of opportunities. In order to trade off for a better commute, I am willing to take a role with less responsibility and compensation. So far, this seems to be hard for some people to accept. They seem to believe that I just want to use the job they are offering as a stepping stone until something bigger/better comes along.
I can hear how painful this is for you. I retired at 57 on my own terms, so while I haven’t walked in your exact shoes, I can see the issue: having your choice taken away feels like an unfair loss, almost like a form of mourning. Meanwhile, everyone expects you to be grateful.
Frankly, you’ve got more fortitude than I have. After years in a senior role, I don’t think I’d have the patience to sit in interviews being asked silly questions by people I’d likely have been managing in a different life.
Your friends only see the upside, being free of that awful three-hour commute, and assume you’re loving it. Perspective is everything. Rather than giving casual acquaintances a long explanation, a quick reframe like “I’m enjoying the break from the commute, but plotting my next act” might protect your peace. Save the deeper conversations for close friends who will actually get it.
Wishing you all the very best of luck with the search and finding a role that actually feels worthy of your time. As that old saying goes: keep calm and keep carrying on.
Thanks Mark. I appreciate your supportive words and understanding. You nailed it. After almost 40 years, the ability for me to walk away on my own terms was abruptly taken from me. Regardless of my feelings towards my prior firm and my role, I still showed up every day and gave 110%. I was caught up in a downsizing due to a corporate restructuring. Nothing personal, just business. I feel a sense of loss for sure.