IN SOME FAMILIES, adult siblings work together to take care of their aging parents. But many times, one adult child ends up doing most, if not all, of the work—which is how things have played out in my family.
I’m the oldest sibling, and my wife and I took on the task of caring for my octogenarian mother and stepfather after they moved to Georgia from Colorado in 2017. I have a brother and stepbrother who live in other states.
Since our parents grew up during the Great Depression and Second World War, they were always very frugal. They also didn’t seem confident that either my brother or stepbrother would be much help as they aged. Instead, they leaned on my wife and me, in large part because we work in health care and could oversee their health needs, as well as the fact that we live debt-free.
Even though my stepfather never mentioned it, I know that the lack of a meaningful relationship with his son bothered him. Before he passed away in 2021, my stepfather told me that he’d been giving money to his son, now in his 50s, and was trying to teach him how to invest. I had my doubts about the success of this venture, but I kept my thoughts to myself.
I’ve known my stepbrother for more than 45 years, but we have never had any type of relationship. Both of his parents were physicians and, in my opinion, he was a spoiled only child. As an adult, the only time he’d visit his father was when his travel was paid for by his father. He often failed to call or send a card on Father’s Day, Christmas and birthdays.
My stepfather was hospitalized after a fall in summer 2020, so I called my stepbrother to let him know. Prior to this, I hadn’t talked to my stepbrother in many years. His first response was to get angry with me because I hadn’t called sooner. While biting my tongue, I explained to him that his father didn’t want me to call right after his fall and surgery. In addition, I explained that my wife and I were doing our best to help my mildly demented 87-year-old mother, as well as his 88-year-old father, while navigating a pandemic.
During fall 2020, my stepbrother and I talked on the phone a few times and he did make an effort to visit his father in the assisted living facility near us. I quickly noticed, however, that every time I talked to him on the phone or in person he would ask about his father’s investments or how much their house was selling for. I always told him that, in my role as his stepfather’s agent under his power of attorney, I was a fiduciary and that he should talk to his father if he wanted more information. Of course, he made no offer to help me prepare their home prior to putting it up for sale.
After my stepfather’s death in 2021, neither my brother nor stepbrother have made any effort to find out how my mother is doing. There haven’t been any calls, texts or emails from either one. My brother has made no effort to visit his mother. Yet both expect to receive an inheritance once my mother passes away. As executor, I will carry out the wishes of our parents as detailed in their wills.
If you find yourself named as executor or granted power of attorney, it’s important to make sure your actions are above suspicion. Soon after my stepfather died, I notified his pension provider, as well as the Social Security Administration, of his passing. Both were very efficient at recalculating the monthly benefits for my mother.
While going through this process, I realized how easy it would be for caregivers to delay informing pension providers or Social Security of address changes or the death of elderly family members. But I also learned of one obstacle to fraudulent behavior: The funeral home told me that it notifies Social Security after a person’s death.
According to the 2021 Consumer Sentinel Network Data Book, government documents or benefits fraud is the leading type of identity theft. This type of identity theft is higher than that for either credit card fraud or loan or lease fraud.
Frequently, it’s a family member who takes financial advantage of the elderly. Indeed, older adults tend to suffer larger financial losses when the perpetrator is someone they know. Comparitech has reported that losses from financial abuse of the elderly in all 50 states exceed $113.7 billion a year. It’s widely accepted that this annual loss is less than the actual amount due to the underreporting of elder fraud.
These numbers are mind-boggling to me.
When I was named in my parents’ powers of attorney, I felt honored. But I also came to realize the magnitude of the responsibility. To try and reduce fraud, I placed a credit freeze on both parents. I also hired an attorney who specializes in elder law to assist me. My goal has been to make sure that they were comfortably taken care of in their final years, while managing their significant assets competently and without any question of shenanigans.
Scott Martin is a semi-retired family medicine physician associate (previously known as a physician assistant) and has been practicing medicine for the past 18 years. His previous career was in academia doing research and teaching at the University of Georgia. He and his wife enjoy traveling and spending time with family. Scott’s previous article was Too Trusting.
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Your story is moving, and not uncommon. Too many heirs think first of what they are going to get and when, and it is usually the ones who thought last of personal contact and support while an elderly relative was alive. I have been an executor. My mantra was a little like yours. Being above suspicion aligns with one’s legal duty for a fiduciary. I also felt it was important that everyone who had a stake in an estate feel that he or she was listened to and treated fairly. Little things that hurt feelings or seem unfair during this process tend to endure far beyond the settlement of the estate, and last forever. Even if someone doesn’t get their way, they tend to accept that if they feel they were still treated fairly.
By the way, notifying Social Security after a death is quite important. It also greatly simplifies your work in that regard. It can be done over the phone. Delay doesn’t provide any benefit – it has an opposite effect. If an executor continues to collect checks for someone after they die, as soon as Social Security becomes aware of it, it will come back and reclaim the money very quickly.
Thank you for all of your comments and sharing your own experiences. My wife and I participated in the Virtual Dementia Tour (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHX43YIxIio) a few weeks ago at the assisted living facility where my mother lives. It was very enlightening to experience the challenges associated with dementia.
Scott, speaking from my own experience, don’t be surprised once the money is gone/dispersed, they will be too. I haven’t heard from my stepsons since their Dad died two years ago. Be proud of all you’ve done for those you loved.
I’m afraid your experience is all-too familiar to my own. I have two siblings, one of whom paid minimal attention to his failing, elderly parents, letting “the chips fall where they may” – which was on me. Now, after their passing, with me as their executor, that same sibling somehow expects the lion’s share of their terribly modest estate. Slander and bullying are his means of extracting it. We didn’t have much of a relationship before, and certainly have none now. It’s sad.
My mother worked as an aide in a nursing home (in the era before assisted living, continuum of care, etc.) when I was in high school. I’d occasionally go with her and visit the residents, sometimes just sitting in the day room with them watching television together. I’ve never forgotten how happy they were to have someone share their time, even if only for a few minutes. Most had children and grandchildren, few who visited.
The last months or years of one’s life can be confusing and lonesome, and challenging in terms of managing finances. You and your wife have done right by your parents with your personal attention and care, and in all this trying to rise above the problems of non-equal burdens across siblings.
I hope you will be equally cared for in turn someday.
Your efforts to act as a responsible son and an effective fiduciary are exceptional, and I imagine improved the quality of life for your mom and your late stepdad. As important as your healthcare expertise, your parents may have singled out your character as evidenced in a life of values and habits they shared, in appointing you power of attorney and executor. These are hard tasks, and not much rewarded.
Interesting, disturbing and sad. Luckily your parents had someone responsible in you.
Given my wife is going to be 84 this year and me 80, I’m starting to look at this issue from the other side of the coin.
Have we done everything possible to avoid problems? We have four children, they are all within an hour and regularly communicate with us and on good terms, but you never know.
Since we won’t be here, I wonder if that part of the future is worth worrying about – but we still do.
Scott, my wife and I find ourselves in a similar situation with her parents and brother that moved from California to Georgia to live near us. Her father, and recently her brother, have passed. Both were in LTC the last few years of life. I have at least an inkling of your responsibilities and I commend you for taking them on and seeking to execute them well.