Legacy Decisions: What Should the Sandwich Generation Pass on?

I don’t have much choice as a baby boomer. My generation has been predicted to usher in the largest intergenerational wealth transfer in the next decade. In the meantime, we carry the honor and burden of taking care of our frail, elderly parents. People call us “the sandwich generation” – and I’d like to think we’ve made the best sandwich ever.

My parents came from a deeply patriarchal culture in which the parents dictated nearly every aspect of their children’s lives – education, marriage, even living arrangement. Being the head of the household meant carrying the heavy responsibility of ensuring family tradition, social order, and family’s sustenance. Entering modern American society turned their world upside down, and calling the adjustment “difficult” hardly captures the magnitude of their struggle.

My own struggle was different. I faced the choice between finding any paying job as soon as I earned by B.S degree to support the family or following my career passion wherever it might lead. A dear friend shared my dilemma with his mother, and her perspective has stayed with me ever since: “All parents, in every culture, want the best for their children, not the best for themselves.”

As my parents aged, however, their patriarchal mindset did not change much – they held on to the values they grew up with. My father at times asked me to hand over all my salaries and savings, so he could return to me as my allowance. I resisted with the reason that I need to save for his grandchildren’s education. He quipped “I had no money for your college and look how you turned out!” They also refused to live with any of the children, fearing it would mean loss of control or dignity. For years, we had to travel long distance to visit them, until we eventually relocated to live nearby and make caring easier before their passing.

Having embraced the American value of self-reliance, we do not want our children to experience the same care giving challenges.  With independence in mind, we’ve made our own retirement plans. Our children are free to pursue their careers and choose their living arrangement, whether to rent or to own their home. We’ve told them that our house could be theirs should they wish to move back to the expensive Bay Area. Meanwhile, my 100-year-old mother in-law is nearing the end of her life, and her house near us will soon raise the question of whether to sell or to keep for the Millennial generation.

Since more than half of our assets are tied up in home equity, we are weighing how best to transfer wealth to our children: should we prioritize liquid assets invested in the markets, real estate in the Bay Area, or some of both? Money provides the flexibility to relocate easily, allowing us to live near our children, continue at a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC), or pursue more affordable international options as expatriates or repatriates, or support charitable causes with broader community impact. Spending for our own pleasure or new experiences just isn’t who we are. Real estate like ours in the Bay Area is becoming out of reach for younger generations, yet holding onto these properties comes with significant maintenance costs and responsibilities – challenges that go beyond simple financial planning.

It is delicious to be sandwiched between such choices – while we still have the freedom to make them. But then again, as John Lennon beautifully sang, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”