Avoiding Indigestion

Jonathan Clements  |  May 26, 2016

RESTAURANT MEALS are my biggest discretionary expense. Want me as one of your customers? Here are my seven rules for restaurants:

  1. If I made a reservation, don’t make me wait 10 minutes for a table.
  2. Dim the goddamn lights. I look better in the dark. So does your restaurant.
  3. Never sell a wine I can find in the liquor store. It’s one thing to suspect you’ve marked up the bottle by 300%. It’s another thing to know with absolute certainty.
  4. Never offer a choice of salad or French fries. That’s just cruel.
  5. Of course we want to see the dessert menu.
  6. I was looking forward to that last sip of wine in the glass you just took away.
  7. Thanks for not telling me that you automatically added the tip.

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