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There was a very thoughtful post on here regarding family that is distant and solutions when there are health events. I was going to comment but thought I would just start another post as this is more of a question than a solution.
Hubby (who has since passed away) and I moved from Fl to NC to be closer to our youngest daughter and family, including our youngest grandchild. She is responsible and stable and I can rely on her for assistance when I need whether financial advice or otherwise. Our oldest daughter still in Florida is always short of money even though she earns well, asking for loans regularly. In addition, I worry as she ages about her health and what expectations would be if she had a health event where she needed assistance. I am 77 and don’t travel as I have ongoing health issues myself and our daughter here isn’t close to her.
Is anyone else in this type of situation and does anyone have any thoughts about this that would be helpful?
If I can’t afford to give it, I don’t lend it. Actually having it returned is a bonus, and a good indicator of whether future “loans” are warranted.
The Bible and common experience say the lender/borrower relationship is a bit like that of a master and slave. Thus I chose never to lend to friends or family. If someone asks I tell them I don’t make personal loans, but I will consider giving them the money. Oddly, this has resulted in all the larger loan requests being rescinded and only one that I can remember accepted a smaller amount. I’m only one data point, but it’s over a span of about 45 years. Humans are interesting.
I had a sister who frequently asked various family members and friends for money ostensibly because of one crisis or another. When she asked me for money, I lent her some, saying if she repaid it, I would lend her more if needed in the future. She didn’t repay it, and when she asked again anyway, I said no, and when she pushed back multiple times, I just kept calmly repeating no.
One of the best things I ever did for myself was learn how to say no.
Yes, that is what I have started to do is just say no.
We are grappling with this issue with our oldest child. Mid 30’s still struggling with having a steady income and $$ seems to flow somewhere with mutiple crisis. We are not sure what the underlying issue is, possibly gambling or substance abuse. We are in the process of setting up a trust with an outside trustee to approve funds as needed for housing and medical care. Even if I had another family member both young enough and mature enough, not sure I would want to burden them with being the trustee. But other than disowning them I see no other solution because I don’t believe any inheritance would last long if we left the money with no strings attached.