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On April 27 2009 my dad died unexpectedly after being struck by a car while riding his bicycle in Key West. I had no idea what he owned or what, if anything, he would leave me. An inheritance wasn’t something I had built into my plans.
Some of the money I eventually received came from insurance payouts following the accident, circumstances no one would wish for.
What I received helped me buy a condo in Florida and contributed toward my retirement. I appreciated it enormously. But the financial difference it made has never changed one simple wish: I would rather have had more time with Dad.
Money wasn’t all he left behind. Years after his death, I found a handwritten essay in which he described emotional struggles I hadn’t fully understood while he was alive. As I wrote in “My Father: The Peace He Never Found,” those pages helped me see him with greater compassion. The money helped me build my future. His words helped me better understand the man I had lost.
When it comes to a financial inheritance, I try to live by a simple principle: Expect nothing, and appreciate what is given.
It’s easy to start making plans for money we believe will eventually be ours. Perhaps a parent has mentioned an amount. Perhaps we’ve seen a will. We begin imagining the mortgage paid off, an earlier retirement or a little more breathing room.
But a promise about the future isn’t money in the bank.
Wills can change. Relationships and intentions can change, too. Even when someone’s wishes remain the same, the amount available may not. A person who hopes to leave a generous inheritance may need that money for many more years of living and care.
I would want the people I love to feel free to use their money for their own comfort and happiness. I wouldn’t want them worrying about preserving an inheritance for me.
When we count on an inheritance, we can begin to think of it as money that’s already ours. If circumstances change, it’s understandable to feel disappointed. But those expectations can make it harder to appreciate whatever we ultimately receive.
I’d rather keep it out of my calculations. Until an inheritance has actually been received, I don’t want to spend it, borrow against the expectation of it or make decisions that depend on it arriving.
That doesn’t mean an inheritance is unimportant. My father’s gift helped shape my life. I know how much a financial legacy can mean to the person receiving it.
But there’s a difference between appreciating that help when it comes and arranging your life around it beforehand. For me, leaving it out of the plan allows it to remain a gift.
Dad left me money that helped buy a home and support my retirement. He also left words that gave me a fuller understanding of him. I’m grateful for both.
Still, if I could have chosen between that inheritance and more time with him, I wouldn’t have needed to check the amount.
I inherited money from my parents. Although I knew my parents were comfortable middle class I had no idea about the details. When my father was struggling to care for my mother with Alzheimer’s several times I told him he should use the money to get help or move into assisted living to ease the burden. I reinforced that it was money he earned and should be used for his benefit, and that he had helped me obtain a college education which allowed us to live comfortably.
A year before they passed we had our retirement home built. Nothing fancy but comfortable with less maintenance demands than the 100+ year old Victorian that we moved out of. I was glad that we built it before they passed as otherwise we most likely would have spent more on the build (although I convinced my wife to use some of the money as a gift to upgrade the kitchen, where she lives, to quartz countertops and a backsplash. We were also able to give our children significant monetary gift the Christmas after my parents passed which allowed one to put down a significant down payment on a house before prices exploded, and the other to pay off her college loans and some debts.
My original plan was to slowly withdraw the money as necessary, but after a couple of years I decided to utilize this money for our expenses rather than any of our retirement assets while we waited to claim Social Security at 70. This would also allow me to slowly shed the connection to three other mutual fund companies they utilized. This also has allowed our retirement accounts to grow significantly.
Our entire family was truly blessed to receive this unexpected gift, and I think my parents from time to time.
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