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I’m slightly obsessed with wedding costs at the moment. You might recall I’ve mentioned before that my daughter’s getting married next February. As anyone who’s ever sat on the sharp, pointy, “paying” end of a wedding will tell you, this is not a cheap hobby. But lately I’ve started to wonder if the wedding supplies industry has lost its mind.
My daughter lives in London, marrying at home in Ireland. That means all the long-distance logistics funnel straight through us, specifically through our front door, courtesy of the bride-to-be. We’ve been given strict orders: open every delivery, inspect the contents, confirm it’s all shipshape and ready for deployment on the big day.
I have never taken orders so seriously in my life. I’m reasonably sure I’m not enjoying it — though I’ll probably remember it fondly in a few years.
The stuff arriving is genuinely blowing my mind. Socks for the groom’s party, each pair stitched with the wearer’s designated wedding duty. Mine say “Father of the Bride.”
Then came the suit hangers, same moniker, this time burned into the wood, one for every single member of the wedding party. So now there’s no possibility I’ll try to slip into my wife’s mother of the bride outfit by mistake.
But the delivery that finally broke me was a colossal bale of tissues, individually wrapped in dinky little plastic packs. Each one was embossed with the bride and groom’s names and a printed message urging us to use them for “happy tiers.”
Tiers. Like the cake. I see what you did there, wedding industry, I see exactly what you did there.
You’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with money. I think it has plenty of financial implications, actually. We set ourselves a ceiling early on and have already blown through it by 15%, and there’s the added joy of tax-inefficient withdrawals to fund the whole circus. But at the end of the day, I can afford it.
A lot of people can’t, and unfortunately keeping up with the Joneses is alive and well in the wedding world. There’s usually a hefty side order of emotional baggage about giving your little darling daughter the wedding she’s always dreamed of.
So here’s my financial advice, freely given and worth every penny you haven’t paid for: work out what you can actually afford, write the number down, laminate it, and staple it to your daughter’s forehead before you go anywhere near a bridal show. The wedding industry has clearly identified that emotionally compromised parents will pay almost anything for a pun about tiers, and once they’ve got you, they will not stop.
Today it’s tissues. Tomorrow it’s possibly monogrammed confetti. By next January they could be seriously considering a bespoke ice sculpture of the dog.
As for me, I’ve accepted my fate. I am now the proud owner of socks, a hanger, and a box of tissues that all agree I am the Father of the Bride, which is more confirmation than I’ve had for any other job I’ve ever done. Thirty-one years of fatherhood, and it seems all it took to make it official was some embroidery, courtesy of the wedding supply chain.
I’ll take it. Bring on February, and send reinforcements, and possibly a second portfolio withdrawal. Memo to self: stop posting about weddings.
Mark, have you considered gifting appreciated stock to your daughter, so she pays tax at her (hopefully) lower rate — ideally zero tax based on her Married Filing Jointly (or Separately for that matter) status?
I did this several years back. My daughter paid $0 in taxes since she was in the 0% MFJ bracket.
There is a limit to what you can give in one calendar year, without dipping into your lifetime Unified Credit Amount for Estate & Gift Tax purposes:
$19,000 x 2 = $38,000 annual gift exemption amount in 2026 for couples.
$20,000 x 2 – $40,000 annual gift exemption in 2027.
If you make gifts over both tax years, you could potentially transfer up to $78,000. Hopefully not that much, though, for your wallet’s sake.
Good luck!
Dan, appreciate the suggestion. I’m actually based across the pond in the UK, so our tax rules around gifting aren’t quite the same, but thanks for looking out for my wallet — it needs all the support it can get right now, even if it’s only in spirit!
Congratulations. I have what I call the definitive Father of the Bride reception speech outline, which covers every possible thing you need to remember to cover (or affirmatively elect to ignore.) I researched it for a month for my daughter’s wedding, digging through almost every wedding book in print. (Did you know that Angela Lansbury wrote a really good wedding preparation book?) I’ve given it to a half dozen friends as their little girls began to get married, and it saved them a lot of work. Anyway, if there is a good (and safe) way to share it with you, I’m happy to send you a copy. (I’ve looked for a way to publish it online to give it a broader reach, but never really came up with a way to do that.)
Martin, thanks so much for the offer. Time is flying with the wedding fast approaching, so I’ve started drafting the speech. While I can usually spin a decent yarn, having a tried-and-tested resource like the one you mentioned would be a huge help.
I’ve set up a one-off Gmail address you can use if you get a chance: mark.hd.replies@gmail.com.
Thanks again for your generosity.
Sent you a document today (Sunday). Congratulations again.
Martin, thank you very much…let the speech begin!
Always good to learn about weddings. I have to agree they are very different from when we got married in 1968. We have 2 daughters and one son. Instead of going through all the DRAMA, we made an agreement to offer each child a set amount for their weddings in the late 1990’s. This allowed the children to determine what they wanted and they knew the budget. We lucked out at our wedding, we had to pay our own way, all the presents covered the wedding, WHEW!
William, we were in the same boat — paying for our own wedding. That’s probably why we kept costs down. We’d also just bought our first house six months earlier, so money was really tight.
Just had my daughter’s wedding last night. My daughter and son in law are both established in their careers so they were able to pay a good bit. My wife did buy me the father of the bride socks. One of their splurges was a robot that draws caricatures
Brian, congratulations — I’m sure you had a wonderful day.
As for my daughter and future son-in-law, career-wise they’re doing fine. The real challenge is the cost of living and working in London — even a decent salary gets stretched thin before you factor in wedding expenses on top. Having said that, I’m definitely not mentioning that robotic caricature machine to them… that would be right up their street, and my bank balance doesn’t want to take the hit.
Mark, I think you may have discovered one of the great laws of personal finance: add the word “wedding” to an ordinary item and the price immediately doubles.
What makes weddings particularly dangerous financially is that spending becomes intertwined with emotion. Nobody wants to be the parent who says, “Sorry, darling, personalized tissues are where I draw the line.” And I suspect the wedding industry understands that psychology extremely well.
Still, years from now I doubt you’ll remember the extra 15% nearly as much as you’ll remember the day itself. And those Father of the Bride socks may turn out to be one of the better investments you made.
One request: please don’t stop posting about the wedding. I’m already invested, and I need to know whether the ice sculpture of the dog makes the final cut.
Andrew, my wedding was many years ago now — but I’m fairly confident the “wedding premium” wasn’t nearly this bad back then, and half these “crapola” knick-knacks people buy simply didn’t exist yet. Either that, or we were just more frugal in our day.
Anyway, consider this fair warning: with the big day landing on February 8th, I fully expect at least one more shock to send me sprinting to the keyboard to vent before then. I might even be wearing those “father of the bride” socks as I type — just to break them in, you understand😉
Ah, the dreaded ‘Wedding Industrial Complex’.
I used to joke with my daughter that if she did not have a big wedding I would give her $10, 000 (I gather that isn’t much in the current wedding scene…but it was 25 years ago). Anyway much to my surprise she got married with a justice of the peace at no charge. I have been putting money in a 529 for her kids. I feel better about subsidizing colleges rather than bridal shops.
Dan, deep down I don’t really mind the wedding costs — I just tell myself it’s an advance on my daughter’s inheritance. Speaking of saving for the grandchildren, I’ve got a little competition going with my eldest 11 year old grandchild. I put $500 into a savings account in his name and another $500 into a Vanguard global tracker, then bet him the savings account balance that the tracker will be worth nearly double that by the time he turns 18… fingers crossed for the global tracker. Even if I lose, it’s still going to show him the power of investing over saving.
I’m the mother of a 32 year old daughter and honestly I’ll be happy if she gets married at all, but these figures are so insane I just can’t grok them. I invested $8k a few years ago as a wedding fund and it’s worth about $13k now. I hope it covers cake and coffee. My daughter is tighter than the wrap on bread and she would never, every spend mid or high five figures. As she’s said, just give me the money and I’ll elope. But she’s also paid off $60k in school loans in 5 years and saved $120k in a Roth. Yeah, her mom’s a financial planner.
Frankly, these US weddings seem gross to me.
In 1992, when I married her father, we had a lovely church ceremony followed by a champagne luncheon with a 3 piece music ensemble and 60 guests. Unlimited wine (a mistake, they poured faster than guests could drink) and the total bill was $4,000. I made my dress from pale pink silk (cost, $70). Yeah, I know it’s much more expensive now, but socks and tissues seem like expensive crapola to me.
We subscribe to MHz and it’s been really interesting to see the weddings portrayed in France–friends at a local restaurant for lunch after a simple ceremony. Seems a lot more authentic. I don’t see how $50k or $100k weddings make any lasting contribution to happiness or the couple’s future.
Danielle, I never really thought my daughter would get married — she’s pretty unique. If nothing else, it just goes to show the right person is out there for everyone. And your daughter sounds like she keeps a tight handle on the budget… impressive savings for someone so young! By the way, “crapola” — love the vernacular, that’s a new one for me, and I couldn’t agree more!
Oops, forgot ~$300 for flowers and another $350 for a photographer who gave us the negatives and we just printed what we wanted.
My wedding’s reception 54 years ago was at a VFW hall in my wife’s small town with a reel to reel tape player as our “band”. Everyone had a fine time and we left for Jamaica at midnight. Our daughter’s was an expensive (by my standards) affair. Destination wedding in the Rockies. We gave her a strict $ limit… down payment on house, cash, or wedding…her choice…. she chose …complete with Cristal Champagne. Marriage lasted more than 2 years; second marriage = elope and has lasted. Go figure.
John, what can I say — an expensive mistake! If my daughter ever goes down that road, she’ll need to elope, because I won’t be footing the bill a second time 😁
Same here. My daughter got married at the Ritz Carlton in Sarasota, on the beach. Less than 5 years later, divorced. Second marriage they eloped. No costs at all. Still married 8 years later. Fortunately we could afford it, but many cannot, and the prices are indeed outrageous.
It seems to me that today’s weddings are increasingly large, complicated and – oh yes!- expensive. The idea of a “destination” wedding no longer means at a camp ground near the beach, but Italy or Paris at minimum, or even further for the really adventurous. Custom suits and dresses for the attendants? Of course. And the bride’s dress? Sorry, but family heirlooms will no longer do.
Aside from the obvious expense, what troubles me the most is that a wedding is just a single day, whereas a marriage will (hopefully) last many years. I can also say from firsthand experience, that I remember little of my own wedding day, other than I how long and tiring it was, and how happy my wife and I were to be finally married.
I wish you all the best of luck with your daughter’s wedding, with the sincere hope that she has found the “right one” and that their marriage will flourish and endure.
UofODuck, your mention of destination weddings made me smile — I actually campaigned hard for my daughter to have one, though I lost that battle. My motives were entirely selfish: I can’t stand suits, and I thought a small, intimate beach wedding would be lovely. But mostly, it meant I could show up in shorts and a casual shirt instead of that despicable suit.
First off, you are a great girl dad! I say that as a girl who had a great dad – you really are! But as a mom of boys I am so glad I don’t have a girl LOL . The scope of the wedding isn’t so bad, it’s all the detail. The socks are stitched? Is that true or are you exaggerating? Anyway good luck with it all! All you really want is a fun time with friends (yours and theirs), good food, drink and music! That is what people remember. 25+ years later I still have family and friends say “I remember having a great time at your wedding” – they don’t recall details but they had a great time.
Kam, no exaggeration—scout’s honor! (I’m holding up three fingers). Thin black socks with sage green cursive are sitting in my drawer as we speak.
But I completely agree with your point. A great wedding is defined by the fun, not the frills. Honestly, I couldn’t even describe my own wife’s wedding dress or its exact color, but I certainly remember having the best craic.
an elopement at vegas with elvis and the barmitzvah-esque chopped liverpalooza it sounds like you’re bankrolling have the same 50/50 chance.
the biggest kabuki theater or the truly heartfelt potluck in the back yard are a difference without distinction. it is the emotion, the intention and two each giving 110% to the other…
the partnership of a lifetime…the best to the both of them!!!l’…..le chaim!
Apologies, I’m struggling to decode your message, but I’m sure you’re entirely correct.
I discovered when my wife & were planning our wedding 23 yrs ago, the price goes up when you mention when as the occasion. Expect for flowers.from Sam’s club, printing of wedding material at Office Depot. The wedding photographer was free, her father did it (he did as a side business anyway. I think we have only looked a few times at the photos in 23 years…and his wife did the bride maids gowns. My late mother (who I never me) would say “the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage.”
Having paid for two weddings, I confirm this insight. The cost of a simple cake can balloon to mid three figures the second you mention a wedding 🙂
Ram, I’ve definitely noticed this “wedding premium” on multiple items.
Appreciate the frugal tips, Ed. Though telling a man in the middle of paying for a wedding that big ones end faster is a bit like passing out lifejackets on the Titanic!
I see Wells Fargo has a new promotion…
“Cover wedding costs with a personal loan. Use your wedding loan to finance the engagement ring to your honeymoon. Finance your wedding for as low as 6.74% APR. Loan amounts from $3,000 to $100,000 and terms from 12 to 84 months.”
Cheryl, nothing says “till debt do us part” like a wedding loan.
Excellent!
Our one child will reach 21 on her next birthday. We’ve shared every aspect of our financial life with her except for the one account that is still secret–her wedding fund. The money we plopped into an index fund about 15 years ago has grown a nice sum. At some point, we’ll disclose the fund and its balance to her, with light guidance on choosing how to spend it, be it a blow-out wedding or a more tangible purchase. But I don’t criticize another family’s way. It’s easy to throw stones at someone else’s wedding party!
Edmund, that’s a lovely surprise for your daughter. We did something similar for both our girls. On occasion, I had to hold my tongue with some of the spending choices… although, that could have been my frugality gene overreacting.
Oh my goodness. Personalised socks and hangers would just blow my feeble mind!
Good luck Mark, I hope it all goes well.
Greg, me too 🤣
For our daughter’s wedding years ago we had a simple plan. We budgeted a set amount. Gave our daughter the number and told her she could spend it any way she wanted. It was her money, but we told her not to ask for a penny more, and she did not.
David, a very sensible choice. It definitely gives certainty over the costs.
I have been there Mark. We only had one daughter. She got married in 1995 after graduating from college. A woman that worked for me set a budget of $10,000 for her daughter, which with inflation is more than $22,000 today. That sounded reasonable to me, and I informed my wife and daughter of their budget. Daughter seemed ok, wife not so much.
It worked out. They did not have to scrimp on anything and we had a great wedding. We had $500 left and that plus our wedding gift made for a nice honeymoon in Cancun.
Jerry, the “RSVP plus 20” fraternity story made me laugh — sounds like your caterer had you pegged as an optimist. $10,000 in ’95 with money left over sounds like a different planet compared to what we’re doing now. Still, I’ll take my wins where I can get them: my daughter’s off to Hawaii for the honeymoon, and her fiancé works for British Airways, so we’re getting staff rates on both the flights and the holiday package. First bit of the whole wedding that hasn’t tried to empty my pockets — I’m treating it like finding a twenty on the sidewalk.
We based catering on RSVPs plus 20. My daughter was in a fraternity. Very few RSVPed but they all showed up. We still had more than enough food. I am sure the caterer thought I low balled her.
Ah, stop moaning and give the girl the wedding she wants. It’s only money. What else are you going to do with it? Just don’t cry walking her down the aisle. 🤑😢
Sure, we all like the odd light-hearted moan, Dick — it’s good for the soul. Coincidentally enough, Suzie’s already sorted the waterproof mascara for the big day… no “happy tiers” are ruining her makeup!
Besides the cost, do the guests even care about these things?
My daughter works for a catering company as a side job, and told us about a Bar Mitvzah she worked a while back. She’s pretty sure it cost at least $30,000, and probably more.
They had monogrammed gifts, candy, and soft drinks for each guest, most of which were left behind after the party. They had every buffet station you could imagine, and most of the food never got eaten.
All that for a thirteen-year-old. If someone had asked me whether I’d like a $30,000 party or have $30k invested and grow to more than $1MM by age 65, I probably wouldn’t have had enough sense to go for the investment at that age, but still, it’s crazy what people spend on these parties.
David, that tracks — I was at a wedding last August where most of the party favours were still sitting untouched on the tables as the night wound down. Whatever they cost, the guests clearly weren’t factoring it into their enjoyment of the evening.
Good point. No, they don’t care or remember two weeks later. It’s keeping up with the Jonses. I’ve been to very modest wedding and quite lavish. The end result is no difference.
I went to Florida for a wedding once, quite extravagant. The couple were divorced within six months.
One of my daughter’s friends had her wedding reception at the Charlotte Coliseum (think big bucks). She too was divorced within a year.
We have 3 daughters and a son, and I’ll share how we’ve handled the marriage expenses for each.
Starting quite a few years ago with the first to marry, I did a little research and came up with an amount that would cover a full blown wedding—not extravagant but with the usual bells & whistles. We wrote a check to that daughter and said, “Here’s your marriage gift. Spend it all on a wedding, or towards the down payment on a house, or invest it, or whatever you like. But that’s it from us. It’s now your money, with no strings, and you decide how to spend it.”
Then for each succeeding child, I increased the amount in line with the inflation/cost-of-living increases over the intervening years, and we provided a similar check and accompanying explanation.
We strongly believed that better, more rational choices would be made when it’s the child making the decisions on how to spend their money, rather than relying on an open spigot from mom & dad. And of course, the added bonus is we didn’t have to fret over every new expense that we were being asked to cover.
It’s worked well for us, but I understand that some parents prefer the more traditional method. To each his (or her) own.
That is perfect. Ironic how when it is ‘their’ money, they are not as extravagant, or wasteful.
Andrew, that was pretty much our original plan too — we’d even talked about it a few times before our daughter announced the date. Quite how it morphed into what it’s actually become, I’m not entirely sure. Your method is definitely the better pathway. Somewhere along the line, ours took a wrong turn and never found its way back.
Don’t leave us hanging, what did they choose?I can’t imagine there wasn’t a reception of some kind.
Our 3 daughters pretty much spent the money on their weddings & receptions. Not what I would’ve done (my wife says I just don’t understand women & weddings), but they each had well paying jobs and husbands with well paying jobs, so they could afford to do it.
It was their choice and we were fine with it—especially since once the check was given, all we had to do was show up and enjoy the occasion.
Our son is getting ready to make his choice and I suspect he’ll set most of it aside towards a down payment on a house. That said, it’s too soon to know for sure.
Anything that says “wedding” is marked up for sure. We found that also. Daughter is a CPA so she made a detailed wedding budget when she got married 15 years ago. It was great. We kept to it pretty well. Chris
Chris, you’re so lucky to have a daughter who’s this organized — planning her own wedding and staying on top of the budget the whole way through is no small feat.
Great story let me tell you mine. We have 3 daughters but we had 6 weddings. One of the daughters the youngest got married to the same guy twice once so he could stay in country and the next was the real affair (not sure why it had to be two. So how did we get to 6 well after the 4 weddings my wife decided to do the kitchen over (wedding 5 in terms of cost) and then she decided that we were getting older so she would have the master bath reconfigured to be more handicap access ale (in fairness I broke my leg shortly after that so it did come in handy) so that makes 6 and each one cost almost the same down to the penny, happy to see we are not eating ramen noddles and tuna fish all the time.
J.J., your story has mine beat hands down! The one true tale I like to trot out is that I’ve purchased four wedding dresses in the last fourteen months — despite the fact this is only my first ‘official’ daughter getting married.
Congratulations! We too have nuptials early next year. Enjoy the emotional ride, and remember that anticipation just makes it sweeter once the event takes place!
Jeff, once I look past the bank balance, it’s actually all quite exciting. I’ve started drafting the speech, though a couple of my ‘hilarious’ ideas have already been vetoed by my wife — apparently not everything I find funny survives editorial review.
I think the “tiers” on the tissues is a typo… send them back for replacement and see what your daughter says
We had the same suspicion, so we rang our daughter to check. She confirmed — yes, that was the real message, spelled exactly as intended. The trouble was, we found this out on a video call, which meant no raising an eyebrow towards each other. My wife and I had to sit there deploying our finest poker faces.
Great post and humor, Mark! I feared something like this when my daughter was prepping for the wedding, but she really took it easy on our finances. Of course, that was 16 years ago, so I may now be overlooking some financial details … happily!
Dave, can we swap daughters for the next 5 months?
Thanks for offering, but no!
Now I totally understand how Kate Middleton’s parents got so rich with an online party stuff business.
You never know, I’ve maybe helped enrich the Middleton’s to a small degree.
This is a truly hilarious look at weddings. Well, hilarious for me, my daughters’ weddings were many years ago. You will indeed remember it fondly.
But good lord, Mark, monogrammed confetti? Don’t give them more ideas!
Dan, I was following your lead and going light-hearted. Talking of confetti, maybe I could drum this mantra into my daughter’s head: skip the confetti and build up some equity.
If this keeps up you may want to get some embossed tissues for yourself.
Embossed with the word “sucker” I would think.
Keep posting if you need the therapy.
More seriously it is pretty much a morally bankrupt overcharging industry all built on some performative ideas of perfection. No wonder many marriages don’t go the distance as they show how much one partner is willing to squander from the off.
If I were getting married today, I’d skip the whole traditional circus and just pop down to the courthouse for a licence. Then I’d take whatever we saved and put it straight into a house deposit. I’m so romantic.
I’ve learned from friends that are in the swamp of dating pools that apparently there is a thing that some women are looking for men* with a “provider mindset”. Might be more of a younger thing in general. Apparently it’s code for buy me nice gifts and take me to expensive places. I’d fail at the first hurdle because I’d be saying “Yeah my provider mindset is rather than buy that rubbish I’d rather put it in index funds for the long term benefit of me and my future life partner”.
*and I guess vice versa but I’m speculating that’s more sugarmomma type stuff.
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