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TODAY IS THE 50th anniversary of the most important day of my life. On Feb. 16, 1974, I met my wife. Choosing a life partner is arguably the most crucial decision we make. No other choice likely matters as much, including education, career, finances, where we live or even having children.
We’ve all heard the statistic that half of marriages end in divorce. In addition, marriage rates are declining, marriages are happening at later ages, and late-in-life gray divorces are climbing. On top of all that, many alternatives now exist: unwed partners, significant others, friends with benefits, even throuples.
Still, when marriage works, it can be wonderful. Warren Buffett said marriage is the “ultimate partnership” and is “the most important decision that you make.” In her book Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg writes, “I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is.”
Interestingly, the process of dating and partner selection is often based on immediate physical or social attraction that may not matter much over the long run. Youthful lust isn’t as important for a long-lasting marriage as shared values, good communication, friendship, empathy, respect, commitment and positive emotional support.
My wife and I have had to develop and nurture these characteristics in our 50 years together. We’re definitely not the same naïve, 18-year-old college freshmen that we were when we met. And haven’t we all been guilty at times of taking our close personal relationships for granted? I know I have.
There are several commonly reported benefits to marriage. University of Chicago researcher Sam Peltzman has found that marriage is “the most important differentiator” of who is happy in America. Fortune reports that married folks live, on average, about two years longer than single men and women, based on Medicare data. Finally, the laws of the land give married couples a better chance for financial security—providing, of course, that they practice good money habits.
This is not to imply that those who are single are doomed. Moreover, staying in an unhappy marriage clearly leads to many unhealthy consequences.
Fortunately, I’ve had a happy marriage. This is how it started: 50 years ago today, I was holding two beers alongside the dance floor at a college fraternity’s Saturday band party. I was neither drinking nor seeking a girlfriend. I was on the wagon for both following a rough patch for drinking and relationships, along with mediocre grades in my first college semester.
I attended the Lambda Chi Alpha party to kill time on a cold winter night when little else was happening on campus. During a song interlude, a young woman casually asked about my awkward appearance, which looked to her like two-fisted drinking. I explained I was just holding the beers for two friends who were dancing.
After handing the beers back to my friends, I wound up dancing the next set with my new acquaintance. We soon left for the college commissary to chat, because the volume at a 1970s band party could be summed up by Animal House’s theme song Shout. We shared cups of tea and cinnamon-sprinkled toast. It was a cheap first date for this financial-aid student who worked three campus jobs to pay his way.
I was smitten, and we’ve been inseparable ever since. She embraced all those positive traits I’ve mentioned—shared values, good communication, friendship, empathy, respect and commitment. We were married four years later, in June 1978.
Happy golden anniversary, Karen. Our meeting seemed random, like most of life’s connections before the internet, social media and dating apps. Are you in a long-term relationship that predates the online world? You, too, might want to celebrate that wondrous thing known as chance.
Thanks for the wonderful and heart-warming story! All the bits in this issue of Humble Dollar hit right on different aspects of meaning and contentment in retirement – something I’m still working out.(Don’t get me started on the generally shallower and often vaporous term, “happiness.”)
Oh, and anyone really interested in the role of chance in life might want to have a look at a new book, or excerpts thereof, “Fluke” by Brian Klass.
Thanks again for all the well-wishes and keep posting your meet-up stories to keep the thread going.
John-
Enjoyed the story. Like you, I am also celebrating the 50th anniversary of the first date this year, on May 24th. Ours has a bit of a twist – we actually went to high school together, but didn’t particularly care for each other. As fate would have it, though, we ended up attending the same large state university which was overwhelming to both of us. We ended up in the same geology class freshman year, and started sitting next to each other just because it was a bit of a comfort. When I finally asked her out, it was more to hang out with someone I knew than because I was smitten. But I figured out in about 4 months that I couldn’t live without her. It took her about 5 years to figure out that she couldn’t live without me, including a lot of time apart with not even a hint that we would have celebrated our 44th wedding anniversary last Friday, but indeed we did.
Chuck McLean