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MY PARENTS RECENTLY moved out of the house they’d lived in for 50 years. A half-century might sound like quite an accomplishment. But they stayed too long.
Their home was a 1940s two-story gray stone house north of Pittsburgh, with a three-quarter acre yard. At the 40-year mark, when my parents were in their mid-to-late 60s, the house began evolving from a safe shelter to a hidden hazard zone. The comfort and familiarity of four decades overshadowed the emerging challenges that would affect them as aging seniors.
The house had no bedroom or bathroom on the main floor, only upstairs. The bathroom situation made it difficult for visitors who were uncomfortable with stairs. The laundry was in the basement, requiring two flights down and two up for every load. Remodeling options didn’t make practical or financial sense.
Meanwhile, the three-tiered yard included a steep driveway, creating a slippery slope during the Pittsburgh winters. Maintaining the sizable yard was my dad’s daily exercise and hobby. He mowed grass and nurtured a bountiful garden for 45 years. But a severe health issue sapped his physical stamina. Hiring a service was not in his frugal and do-it-yourself nature, so he painstakingly tamed the turf and shrubbery until the movers drove off. The yard and aged house were constant physical and mental weights.
Now, my parents are in a more suitable home, with all their living needs on the main floor and comfortable guest accommodations upstairs for when the grandchildren visit. It’s still close to the old neighborhood, but even closer to their retired friends and regular golf courses.
Financially, they did everything right, saving enough money to buy the new place with cash before selling the old home. This gave them the flexibility to move at their own pace, though it still wasn’t enough time to properly sort through 50 years of stuff. Despite financial preparation and ongoing counsel, the pending real estate transaction caused significant anxiety because they’d only purchased a property once before, in 1972.
I observed the last decade of my parents’ residency like a risk manager, actively noting all the reasons they should move sooner. For years, I feared they were one fall or health issue away from moving in distress. But my fact-sharing and encouragement only went so far. When they finally acknowledged moving was overdue, the thought of packing up and relocating was overwhelming.
Thankfully, everything worked out okay. When a home in their ideal community became available, they’d already made the necessary financial preparations so they could act quickly. Still, getting there was a long and stressful process. In hindsight, three things would have both accelerated and eased the transition to a more suitable home.
Declutter sooner. Fifty years of possessions and clutter deterred my parents from moving. They couldn’t fathom how to deal with it all. COVID-19 was the perfect opportunity to start downsizing possessions. But not even the boredom of a global pandemic could motivate them to clean out the house. Emotional attachment and irrational justification prevented them from tossing unneeded stuff. Selling things online was intimidating, and they felt there was still financial value in items that most people would view as junk.
They only started addressing the clutter when the new and old homes were under contract. The move forced them to take responsibility for their accumulated possessions, instead of delegating the burden to the next generation.
Much of it went to family and charity, but plenty survived the move, filling the spacious new closets with mystery boxes and converting their two-car garage into a one-car. Had they trimmed their possessions during the previous 20 retirement years, they’d have eliminated a significant mental roadblock that deterred them from moving.
Avoid the “forever home” mindset. Legend has it that the old home’s previous owner had died while working on the roof. As a kid, I remember my dad saying he also planned to die that way.
In his youthful parenting years, Dad never thought he’d live so long. A bland high-fiber diet and daily exercise apparently worked. Still, it wouldn’t have surprised me if he suffered a similar fate as the previous owner, as he continued cleaning the gutters well into his 70s.
Aging seniors often prefer to stay in their longtime homes, and they may be able to do so if it’s suitable. Family, friends and the community can help by providing support for aging in place. But the home’s layout, maintenance requirements and location should be the deciding factors, not stubborn desire. Emotion can sometimes overrule long-term pragmatism, and I suspect that bias grows stronger as we age. My dad’s “forever home” mindset delayed the inevitable and made the move more challenging.
Have a retirement housing plan. My parents retired in 2002, when they were in their mid-50s. With their finances secured by their pensions, they focused on golf, grandchildren and travel. Long-term housing needs didn’t enter their conversations until 15 years later, after a significant health challenge.
Staying in a home “for as long as possible” isn’t a good plan. Waiting until sudden limitations force a move is even worse, as hurrying can result in settling for a less-than-optimal next home. Thinking you won’t live long enough to incur physical or mental limitations in your current home ignores many likely life scenarios. By delaying decisions about retirement housing, individuals and couples risk burdening loved ones with the heavy responsibilities of arranging a move.
Ask yourself: Can you live in your current home if afflicted with mobility or mental limitations? What modifications to your current home would make it more suitable as you age? Where else could you live? Are you financially capable of moving quickly, or are preparations still needed?
If your current housing situation isn’t suitable for the long term, consider rectifying any shortcomings or moving sooner rather than later. My parents’ experience suggests that the longer you wait, the harder it gets.
Craig Stephens writes about personal finance and investing at Retire Before Dad and Access IPOs. Follow Craig on Facebook and on Twitter @RetireBeforeDad, and check out his earlier articles.
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We are fortunate to have a basement. We have things set so if/when that day comes that we have to leave, everything in the basement can go without review. Still a lot of stuff but at least the “removers” won’t get bogged down with the process.
I had a medical “event” several years ago that required home therapy. Part of the home review was checking for grab bars by doors, grab bars in the shower, seat in the shower, etc. We aced the review because we had been making changes over the years “just in case.” And just in case happened.
Great article and a great group to publish it for. Most people here are “planners” and will either have done some of these things or will consider them for future projects.
After moving from my previous long term home (30+ years) I definitely agree on the get rid of stuff over several years before you move suggestion. It was difficult to do in just a few months.
We have been in our first and only house for 45 years. We are in our late sixties but still fitter than most 40 year olds and with out workout regimen probably won’t face any disability issues for a decade and a half more. There aren’t basements in this part of the country and while we have an upstairs that hasn’t been used since our kids moved out. so we rarely go up there. We could downsize but houses are so inexpensive here it wouldn’t make us enough money to matter so there is no reason to downsize really. But of course your parents situation was much different. A very well written piece!
I am 73 and we have been decluttering since 2002. We now live in 1300 sq. ft. down from 4800 sq. ft. The only thing my wife has not donated or thrown away is ME.
Amen to the first point, “Declutter sooner”. My brother and I, we were tasked to clean up our parents’ home prior to putting it up for sale. It took us at least 1-2 weeks to remove all the junks/knick knacks/old broken furniture from the house. Best advice for all who are in the 50’s and about to retire, for every item to be brought into the home, an existing item from the home needs to be removed (albeit trash, ebay, or giveaway).
google also: marie kondo
I second Marie Kondo! Reading her book can help jump-start decluttering.
If you’re facing this decision, or trying to help someone else, your local senior center may have some useful classes. I think I first encountered CCRCs during a class on senior living options, although I found the best information on them in an ebook by Alvarez. Also, I’ve recently been made aware that one of the local universities runs an OLLI class on CCRCs.
At age 72, I’ve been brutally decluttering. I don’t want my kids to go through what I did when parents died. All of those “we might need that someday” items. I had dozens of bookshelves packed with books and after visiting our beautiful public library and realizing I could just checkout any of those ‘I might read that book again someday’ books, they were nearly all donated to a good cause. Now, on to the shop with its hundreds of widgets and scraps that I ‘might need some day’.
Great article and all good suggestions. Many of us recognize that we can’t stay in our homes forever and have made some effort to get rid of (I’m sorry: “gift”) some of the stuff we’ve inherited or acquired on our own, but the harder question always seems to come down to: where next? We get used to our home, neighborhood and nearby friends, and the thought making a major change late in life gets harder with each year. Nevertheless, couples need to decide these issue as, if they don’t, their choices may become limited and/or someone else will make them for them.
Craig. Thanks for a great, universal article. So many of us have experienced some or all of the same issues. My wife and I realize it can be a many year process, With intermediate steps. The pull of grandchildren can overcome the desire to stay in the old home.
Good article. My parents had a similar home, albeit on flat land. But they knew the neighbors, the nearby stores (and the bones of the house) well, so one would have had to pry them out with a crowbar. We knew they loved it. Each of them passed away in that home, in a bed in a makeshift bedroom on the first floor. But five years later, when I moved, it was to a somewhat smaller home that offered single-level living, and only after I had cleared out fully half of my furniture, books, and accumulated ‘stuff’. And I still consider my current home a little too big.
Your article reminded me of our journey to our “retirement” home. We experienced some of those situations with my mother-in-law (bedroom/bathroom upstairs, narrow stairways, etc.). As we were approaching retiring, we decided to build our “final” home so that we could address living on one floor and the potential need to support a wheelchair. We also wanted to take advantage of current technology to achieve energy efficiency (with as much Energy Star rated appliances as possible). We went so far as to pick property that had good southern exposure to use solar panels and even picked the roof slope (9×12 pitch) to maximize solar exposure for our latitude. With the increased insulation, energy efficiency, and solar power, our utility costs have been relatively stable (and much lower than the previous house that was 50 years old). We also had an “In-Home” assisted living review of our house plan to allow us (if we decided to go this route) to have in-home assisted living services. This included wider hallways and doors, lever door handles, walk-in showers with seating, pre-installed grab bars, and no floor transitions (and other features). We widened the stairs to the basement to allow a chairlift to be installed if needed. We even allocated a space (currently used as extra storage) to put in a small in-home residential elevator (if we preferred to go that route). The garage was also “oversized” to allow a (10:1 sloped) ramp to be installed inside while having room to park our SUV along with our electric vehicle. While this was a bit of a splurge, I also had our driveway electrically-heated to reduce icing (given we live in New England). We’ve been in our house for 10 years now and are in our mid-70s. The proceeds from our previous house and the sale of our vacation home covered 90% of the cost of this custom-designed home (with the remaining 10% paid off via a HELOC). That decision going back about 12 years now (to buy the property) was one of the best decisions we made in preparation for retiring.
Wow! That is impressive planning! I hope you get to enjoy your home for a very long time.
I would love to show this article to my husband’s older sister, a widow without children living in a small 3-story home. She’s only in her late 60s, but she has had some major heart issues the past 4 years that make the stairs difficult. She and her husband used to talk about moving to an active retirement community, but all impetus to move ceased when her husband suddenly died 3 years ago. Plus she seems unable to detach from her houseful of stuff.
My husband says to stay out of it (not show her this article) and I know he’s probably right—especially now that I’ve left this comment! But I also know we may well be the ones dealing with this overstuffed house and her in a few years (we live 2 hours away from her). Perhaps one idea could be to offer to go with her to check out some over-55 places, while staying carefully neutral about her choices.
Craig,
Excellent post! +1000
Your parent’s situation is (was) quite similar to ours. We were in our house for over 40 years. We, too, stayed too long.
We waited until WE HAD TO for decluttering.
That was a huge mistake.
We did find the “perfect” place for us.
But …
Moving from a place that was setup exactly the way we wanted to a new place that will require time to make comfortable… woo boy.
Your best advice is to start getting rid of the clutter YEARS earlier than you think you need to. Otherwise the move will cause too much – unneeded! – anxiety.
I couldn’t agree more. My timing has worked out well, but that is as much luck as judgement. As I’ve written here before, I retired early so that I could travel. Although I knew when I broke my ankle back in 2007 that I could not age in place, it was only when my rheumatoid arthritis came out of remission in 2017 that I started taking action. I joined the wait list for a CCRC in 2019, which I will enter next month at 76. I moved to an apartment and sold my house last year so that I could get the downsizing out of the way and didn’t have to coordinate the sale and the move to the CCRC. The house was over 30 years old, and although I had a yard service and cleaners I was very, very tired of the maintenance.
Although my CCRC has just completed a big new building, its wait list is longer now than when I signed up in 2019. Mid-sixties is not too soon to start making a decision if you want a good CCRC in my area. Since I’m single with no close relatives nearby, moving to a CCRC was an easy decision for me. I understand it may be more difficult for couples, but, sadly, the needs of a future surviving spouse should be a key consideration.
I wanted to thank you so much for the timely article. At 69, I’m in excellent shape ( years in the fitness industry and good eating habits ) and currently more than able to navigate my houses. ( one in MN one in FL ). However, after seeing my older brother and sister decline, I have made the decision to move into a 55+ residence at 80 (sooner if need be).
I am currently dealing with both of them, and it’s heartbreaking. My sister’s health is bad, and her husband recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My brother has dementia, but has to live in caregivers. They live out in the country, and so far refuse to move. I hope anyone reading this realizes the impact on their families when there are no plans in place for the last phase of your life. If you think “I’ll just wait until I have to” you’re not only putting yourself in harms way, you’re not being fair to those who love you and will be responsible for figuring out what to do with you at the end.
My parents had a very similar house and story with a couple significant differences. They were on the lower financial edge of middle class and this situation limited choices. As their health began to decline in their 60s (they both chronic diseases) and home maintenance became too much, the basement flooded during a winter melt as it did many times over the years. Only this time my mom waded into the flood to try to address it. That evening she had a heart attack. During treatment she was diagnosed with clogged arteries and had a quintuple bypass. One week after the surgery she had a major stroke and ended up in a nursing home for the last 11 years of her life. My dad lived alone and died alone in the house after that. As the only kid I was left to clean out 50 years out accumulation and sell the house. All this has motivated my and I to invest time in our health, create a financial cushion and have a plan for moving on from house while we are still healthy and active.
Thanks for your article, Craig. I hope people pay attention. Insisting on staying in a home that’s not suitable for elderly people is selfish, in my opinion. It places a heavy burden upon children or nieces and nephews who may themselves be in, or approaching, their own senior years. Think of your loved ones and make decisions to make their lives easier, as you tried to do as parents/aunts/uncles when they were children!
This article could easily have been about my wife and me. We have been in our house 50 years this Fall. One big difference is that we have a ranch home and we have a ramp at the back for my wife.
However, we have a 2 acre wooded lot that requires a lot of maintenance. I have been able to maintain things so far, but various ailments make it challenging.
Our son, who is a remodeler, helps out, and we have been able to modernize most of our 2000 sqft home.
Clutter is a huge problem. My wife does not want to get rid of things even though they are no longer used. She has piles of clothes she can no longer wear. We have an old piano that should be salvaged but she refuses to let it go. That will be a huge deterrent to us in moving, but the idea of moving to a newer home more suited to our stage of life is very appealing to me.
An over 55 community was built at the end of our street this year. That sort of community appeals to me. The only problem would be what would I do with all the time I saved by having a low maintenance home. Lol
This whole thing is exactly what we’re dealing with in the case of my in-laws right now.
Wow, substitute the year 1952 and the city Toledo and you have nailed my parent’s story. I call it “moving on your own terms”, and my mom wasn’t buying into it. They didn’t move until a tumble down the steps severely injured mom. Luckily I had nice duplex with a 1st floor vacancy that they moved into. I lived next door so was able to spend time with them every day.
I hope that people can learn from our parent’s experiences.
Terrific article, Craig.
I told my wife that while it’s too late for our parents to properly plan (they are in their 80s), it’s not too late for us.
Thanks for the solid advice.
My husband and I have had that exact same conversation. We downsized from our house where we raised our kids to a condo when we were 59 (we’re 63 now), and we continue to discuss what might lie ahead (after watching his mom and stepdad refuse to plan and now we’re in crisis mode with them).
My wife and I are both Physical Therapists. A mentor of mine once commented that we are all just temporarily able bodied.
When considering our retirement house we first looked at existing housing. I kept making comments about whether the one we were looking at would accommodate wheelchair and if a two story house whether a room could be converted into a bedroom downstairs. The realtor kept joking that I was convinced I was going to be in one. We settled on building a two story home as ranches in our are we’re out of our price range. However the floor plan is such that our study has French doors to accommodate a wheelchair, and the bathroom directly across is large enough that it could be converted into a 3/4 if necessary.
Prior to that though the stairs are located such that a stair climbing chair could be easily installed. In the meantime in our early retirement years they make for great exercise.
A strange thing has happened.
When I read an article like this, one that talks about aging, the elderly, declining years, I am no longer an observer, but a participant. My wife is 84 and I will be 80 in a few weeks. I try to deny it, but it just won’t go away. I try not to feel old, but when you begin to fade around 3:00 pm there is no denying.
TAKE HEED of what this article says, it’s all very true. We lived in a house built in 1929, no first floor toilet, WD in the basement, clutter over three floors and basement and garage, lots of stairs.
I didn’t want to move, we raised our family there, our life and memories were there and I didn’t want to deal with the clutter- thinking about it still gives me jitters.
We didn’t relocate to a condo until we were in our 70s five years ago. We (I) should have done it before I retired.
We should have done all the things Craig writes about. We didn’t save any money moving, we did eliminate stairs, outside work, worrying about snow … gained a pool, tennis court, putting green and hiking trails and made new friends, including ones to play golf with. We are less than a mile from our old home.
The thing is while there were a few tears the last days before we moved after 43 years, it was not nearly as traumatic as expected.
We figured out soon those memories are always with us.
Excellent commentary, Craig! It confirms the human developmental cycle that one navigates through a series of passages throughout his/her entire life span, which requires endless adjustments necessary for a full and satisfying life. The truth is – we move beyond tricycles in childhood to embrace appropriate transportation for later life. The same is true for housing! From living in public housing as a married college student to home ownership after many years, I now am pondering downsizing as an alternative for senior living. To be sure, emotional attachment to a house, car, or stick of furniture must be secondary to what is realistically the best for me at this time of my life. The present moment, not past memories must be the determining factor in decision-making.
I come from the angle of being an inpatient acute care Physical Therapist having to deal with patients who physically can not go home. So many people can not wrap their heads around not being able to safely go up and down stairs and seem shocked when they have to convert a Dining room, etc. into a bedroom. I think we are thinking of ourselves as we were when we were young and healthy. 1 level houses with no steps to enter is the way to go.
“we are all just temporarily able bodied.”
An excellent and well written article Craig. In 1998 at age 58 we sold our once popular tri-level, a house necessary to go either upstairs or downstairs for a bathroom. We did so because of visiting handicapped relatives, but with one eye on our future aging as well, moving into an 11 year old ranch style home with four bedrooms and 2 1/2 bathrooms all on the the main level, with basement. Now at age 83, my world has become much smaller, with walking to the mailbox exhausting, but still gardening and still have greatly accessible living arrangements. It still may not be enough however and my next move, if it happens, will not be into my own home. Certainly your article will resonate with those who have not already taken the above precautions. While I have accomplished some decluttering, your article motivates me to take on much more serious decluttering, in the interest of making life somewhat easier for my children. Thank you Craig.
Boy, does sound so sadly familiar! The emotional tie to a “forever home” – in my parents’ case, 70 years in the same house! – is so very difficult for many of us to cut. I hope my wife and I do better when the time comes.